Freelance

Questioning my decisions

Lately I’ve been questioning my feelings for my boyfriend. Of course it happens conveniently when I’m done school and have more time to think about it but maybe it’s important that I do. I’ve spoke to a couple of friends about the issues I’ve been trying to overcome whether small or large may be subjective to the perceiver, however I hoped that talking to someone other than my boyfriend about it would be helpful.

Don’t get me wrong, he’s a great guy. I like his family, his friends, his overall circle is something I mesh with well. His personality… overall I would say does more good than harm. He doesn’t mean to hurt me, but I often interpret it that way. At times, it feels like because we’ve been having these similar but slightly different issues for the past 2.5 years, sometimes makes me feel like I’m being manipulated. Which makes me paranoid. Sometimes I can’t tell if he mistakenly doesn’t care or just plays it that way. And if it’s either of them it’s still concerning to me. If you genuinely after this long can’t seem to find the time to put in some effort or think of someone other than yourself, then why am I here?

I just feel so unappreciated.

Mind you, he says he loves me, and tries his best to show it by complimenting me, telling me I’m beautiful, doing some romantic gestures like kissing my hand, or holding my hand. Sometimes if he’s in the mood he’ll eat me out, but it’s always whether he’s in the mood to or not which I can understand. I never feel comfortable because of it because he makes me feel like it’s such a chore and it’s obvious he doesn’t like it. Which concerns me to be honest.

He calls me once a day, if not more, but at least once which is nice. Talks to me through out the day, let’s me vent if I need to. Helps me through some of my ups and downs for the ones I have control over at least.

But then sometimes, because I share my family problems with him, sometimes he uses those problems against me. For example, I’ve been having increasingly worse problems with not just my mom but with my dad. And talking to my boyfriend through them sometimes he’ll say “you’re acting like your mom/dad” or “you’re going to end up just like your mom/dad”, and it’s almost like salt to the wound because I don’t ever want to end up like them, and I hate when he says that. I try to remind myself that when he says these things, it’s not from a bad place and that he’s just trying to help me see myself in a certain light to help me change. Which I do want, but I don’t like when he uses it to suit his argument, or for his own benefit.

For example, I told him that if I do get a full time job, that I’d probably want to work two jobs. To keep up with my financial goals/expenses. Instead of being supportive, he critiqued my idea and said it was a terrible one, whilst proceeding to compare me to my mom and her work ethic. He said I needed to stop being in an immigrant mentality and that I needed to live my life now the way I want to live it in the future. He kept saying I needed to work smart and not hard, he argues that I wouldn’t have enough time to see him and friends and that it would destroy those relationships just like my mom destroyed hers. But it’s not going to be the same, I won’t work two jobs forever. And instead of being supportive, he shut me down and compared me to my mom. It was just upsetting.

I spoke to my friends about it, and coincidentally both of them have boyfriends and both of them have crazy work schedules or a work ethic that requires to work hard. Their boyfriends also seem to be busy and “grinding”. Everyone’s got their priorities straight, my boyfriends more concerned about having time with his friends. They both said they think I should reevaluate what I want in a relationship, think about what I will and will not tolerate, and definitely both agreed I deserved better than this.

Maybe he forgets to realize that we are not the same people and we are on different paths and different timelines. We have an age gap that may seem small but in the grand scheme of things I wasn’t who I am today when I was his age. He’s 23 going on 24, I’m 26 going on 27. I want to save up for a house, I want to move out of my mom’s house, I want my independence. Sometimes I feel like this age gap may be the root to a lot of our problems, and sometimes I forget to consider it because often he makes me feel like he’s wiser and smarter and more mature than I am. I know it sounds condescending, but it’s not meant that way and I realize that.

I feel like I pardon his behaviour on so many accounts. He just acts a certain way and says “but oh this is what I meant and this is how you should interpret it”. He tries to accommodate how I’ll respond but even after 2.5 years he still can’t seem to get it right. So I’ve now just applied all these rules (if he says “x” then he meant it in a “y” way) in my head to things he says to keep me sane. I feel like I am really sensitive to things he says to me, so I try to be more understanding. He still feels like he has to walk on eggshells around me.

There’s just so many problems between us that have lingered on for much too long in the relationship. I’m questioning whether its worth the effort or not. There’s so many problems I didn’t mention. I’ve barely scratched the surface, but I needed to let it out and think about it.

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