My first post this year. I’ve had to re-learn something I already knew but must have forgot or not practiced. It’s important for me to write these thoughts out in order for me to really understand what it is that I’m doing wrong.
I have way too much pride. I have someone who’s so loving, forgiving and willing to let go of the small things, even when I’m at fault. I on the other hand just build resentment instead, towards myself and project that anger onto the other person so that I feel that it’s not me that’s angry, it’s someone else that’s angry at me. And I let that fester into guilt. My pride won’t let me come forward and just let go. I don’t like this. It’s not healthy. I want to be more tender and forgiving. I want to be able to forgive myself and allow myself to make mistakes sometimes and be in the wrong. I want to know that it’s okay to be wrong and it’s okay that I’m not perfect. I want to be able to realize that others are also not perfect and will make mistakes. I don’t want to be rude to my boyfriend anymore, it’s not right that I get snippy with him with every small thing, and if it were to be the other way around, I’d expect respect even if I was in the wrong. You give respect to get respect. You get respect and therefore give respect. It’s all reciprocal.
I want to apologize to myself for allowing my pride to go to such lengths that I would project my anger towards myself onto someone else. It’s not healthy and it’s not okay. I need to remind myself that if I can forgive another person I can also forgive myself. I don’t need to be so hard on myself for it to get to this point. I wanted to write this down before I go and hug someone who really deserves more respect from me. I hope I can change this behaviour for the better. And I hope that through my mistakes I can still be a better person and overcome this.