Freelance

Stop Being A Sore Loser 

Hi again. I’m here to relentlessly vent about my life. I don’t seem to learn do I? I keep coming back here with the same problems as before. Sometimes I feel like I’ll take one step forward and three steps back.

I’ve been trying (maybe I haven’t been trying hard enough) to change. And specifically change my mental processes; trying to change the way I think to therefore change the way I feel and therefore change my behaviour. It’s all one chain reaction. I remember when I went to a few counselling sessions I had my counsellor giving me a visual of that. I think that may have been two years ago now. 

For now because I’ve already pinpointed a behaviour I don’t like, I’m going to try to work backwards. How am I behaving right now? Well, I’m glad you asked. I feel if I were an outsider looking in, I would look very unappraochable right now. I’m frowning. Haven’t smiled once since I got out of bed. I haven’t eaten anything since 4pm yesterday, and to be honest I don’t know if I will eat. I’m not hungry. Don’t really have an appetite. I am tired but I don’t think I could sleep. 

Now, how do I feel? I feel depressed, down, hurt, negative, ugly, hopeless, on the verge of giving up. I’m getting B’s when I need A’s if I want to do a master’s program. I need to eat better and exercise more if I want to like the way I look. I need to work less so I can study more. I need to work to pay my bills. I need to clean up the house so I’m comfortable where I stay. I need to buy new shoes and clothes and bags and makeup and whatever the fuck else I need that I’m so very lacking in my life. I just feel so unhappy. And ungrateful. I’m obviously not appreciating what I have in my life.

Now how did these feelings come about? Personally, I feel like I might have this deep rooted sense of not necessarily wanting to be the best or number one but better. I get really competitive sometimes and take on more than I can handle. For instance my boyfriend and I created a book club where we’re the only two members. He has more time allocated to reading than I do. And he’s continued to read without me and just sped ahead. It makes me feel angry. It makes me feel like I’m getting left behind. And I understand that’s not his intent. He needs something to pass the time during his commute. Reading has become a more positive way for him to utilize his time. Because of him speeding ahead, I now feel pressured to keep up. It makes me angry and makes me feel hopeless because no matter how hard I try I can’t keep up with him. Same goes for this stupid wordgame he wants me to play with him. Everytime I make a move, he jumps ahead. And I just can’t keep up. And then this feeling that I’ve always hads around him just keeps crawling into my head: “He’s better than me”. And to me, he is. In every sense of the way: he’s more fit than me, has a better body than me, has a better fashion sense than me, is smarter than me, is more clever than I am, is able to gather jokes and references better than I do. I’M JUST SO JEALOUS that sometimes I can’t stand to be around him. 

Now, what the hell is wrong with me? I can just hear him talking inside my head rationalizing things out for me. Telling me that everyone has a “different”meaning to what “better” means to them. And I’m sure he’ll go on and ” downgrade” himself because he thinks that’s what will make me feel better. But I know what I’m feeling. I’m just being overly competitive. I want us to be at the same level and it sucks to be the one lagging behind constantly. 

I wish I could just be the person I want to be already. I wish I had a banging ass body. With great tits and a nice ass and a small waist. I wish I was smart and just got A’s without trying. I wish I naturally had a good metabolism like my boyfriend does to keep my body in check. I wish I was more athletic. I wish I was strong. I wish I was not scared to get raped at every corner. I wish I knew how to fight my fears. I wish I had more fucking time. I can’t catch up. 

He’s seen so many films, watched so many shows, never stopped watching anime. he’s just such a cool person. He’s got a bunch of trophies in his room, he’s smart and clever, he’s listened to more music than I have. I feel like I’ve had to leave everything I loved behind to fucking work. AND FOR WHAT?! WHAT DO I HAVE TO SHOW FOR IT? I’M STILL BROKE. I’M STILL FAT. I’M STILL UGLY. I’M STILL STUPID. 

I know our circumstances were and are still different. I get that I just can’t compare my life and life experiences from one person to another. It’s just not possible to do so. And it’s not worth thinking about. I know he’d say something along those lines and he’s right. I have certain qualities that he doesn’t. And literally the only quality is that I’m a social butterfly. That’s the only thing that ever gets brought up. That’s the only “skill” if one can even consider it a skill that I have. That and a bunch of other social abilities I have. That’s all I have to offer. Other than that I live in a fucking rock and lack culture. I fail to live in the present. He’s everything I want to be and he does it effortlessly. 

I just get so jealous and disheartened. I feel like a loser he keeps lugging around for God knows why. He’s joked around once about “why I can’t be as cool as my cousin”. I know that I shouldn’t take it personally. And that it’s just a joke. But he doesn’t understand how much I hate myself and jokes like that really push forward how sucky of a person I really am. Even if he didn’t mean it that way. Every joke tells a little bit of truth. For him to say that he must have actually thought that at one point. I just feel like he’s with the wrong person and should be with someone that suits his needs.

I know that being competitive has its positive merits in the sense that it will push me to be a better me. And I will try, but I need support. And honestly I don’t really have a great support system. So I’m just going to have to do it myself.  I know I need to stop being a sore loser and suck it up. Winner’s don’t give up. If I ever want to consider myself a winner, then I have to keep trying to be better. I need to stop being so impatient. So long as I keep trying; I will eventually see the results that I want from myself and be the person I’ve always wanted to be. 

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Freelance

Different. 

Something my neighbor called me today. Something I find both a compliment and a form of alienation. I love being told I’m different. Who doesn’t want to be different from the crowd? To stick out. To be noticed as someone that isn’t like everyone else. 

In a way, whenever you get to know someone they’re always different from what you’d expect. They’re always different once you hear their story. They’re different when you spend more time with them. Of course its easy to say I’m different. 

I never know for sure if people just say things like that to everyone, or if they actually mean it. And if they do mean it, what does it mean? How am I different from anyone else? 

It seems so lonely at times to know that I’m “different” but time and time again I’d rather be different than anything else.

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Memories, Personal

Guilt.

I’m so frustrated right now that I could gauge my eyes out. I’m burning with anger, and it might also be a touch of hunger. I’m sad. I’m annoyed. I want to cry from how many negative emotions I’m feeling but most of all I feel guilt. The worst feeling of all. The kind that makes my stomach churn acid into something sickly. Makes my lungs feel heavy. I hate it.

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Memories, Personal

Sunday at the Beach

It’s confusing. I try not think about it too much because sometimes thinking about it makes me dizzy. I go in circles and circles trying to figure out what’s going on, and eventually, I get tired of it and just enjoy it instead. I don’t want to understand it anymore, or try to think about what he’s thinking about, or what he wants from me, or what his intentions are, or why he does what he does, I can’t keep asking, and I can’t keep thinking, I just have to remind myself to enjoy it for what it is.

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