Freelance

No Happy Ending

Yesterday was sad. I didn’t get the ending I was hoping for, the one I was rooting for, for years. The one I wanted so badly to be with him. And since he reads my blog posts it’s even worse that he knows what I want and at one point was willing to change and be someone better.

We didn’t want to leave each other. I felt sad to leave. But then a part of me felt like he didn’t respect me. Which made no sense. We’ve been exes for months, but now all of a sudden I’m an ex who can just be taken advantage of. Unless I “spoke up”

That didn’t feel good at all. He must have fallen out of love with me months and months ago for him to just treat someone like that. It sucks. What makes me sad is why do I still feel bad for leaving? He made it easy. He chose not to keep his promises, he talked out of his ass last week telling me he’ll change and things will be different. And I was a fool for actually considering it.

We literally talked in circles for hours. We both realized we can’t be together and yet still didn’t want to leave each other. Made no sense. I’ve already ruined my “reputation” with some or most of his friends, but ultimately they’re his friends, not mine so I shouldn’t care. I’ll be forgotten when the next girl comes around, and I don’t want to be in touch with any of them when it happens.

I don’t need to see him moving on. I don’t need to see how he’s moving. We’ve unfollowed each other from social media for months now, and I’m still the only one who gives open and honest information despite that. He still gets more insight to my life and my mind than I would ever get from him

It just sucks because he had the opportunity to change this whole situation around. He knew how I felt because he read my blog posts. And for whatever reason just decided to prove me “right” because “my mind won’t change.”

See, here’s the thing about my blog. These are inner thoughts, concerns and worries I have deep down inside. This is me completely stripping down and being vulnerable and honest with myself. And I’ve allowed him to see that. Frankly I want him to see that so that he can either choose to act a certain way, or not.

He chose the “I’m not changing” path again. For the 10th billionth time. Last week he was all “oh I’ll change, I’ll do anything” and then just like I worried, it was all just temporary words, and it was all false promises, but last week he made it so convincing that it would be different this time. Only to not even follow through with it. Just because we had space for a week, and the blog posts I had were not necessarily “positive” things about us, doesn’t mean that it’s over. My blog is a place for me to gather my thoughts, write my concerns, and look back on them and reflect if those were irrational, or if those feelings are true.

What I wrote on Monday, I didn’t feel that way all day everyday. That was just that moment. These little pockets of time that I decide to write about are not determinants of what I wanted to do.

Prior to our last conversation last week, I was convinced I’d take him back. I was convinced I wanted to try again. I was convinced that I loved him and that everything was going to be okay this time. But I have every right to worry and wonder if it will last. Because again, we have patterns

For him to just kinda say, yeah I was just saying things and I’m not gonna do anything… just really shows that it was all an act. And my gut was right and it sucks. Because I wanted to be with him so badly

But I can’t keep doing this anymore. I have to accept that he will always give false promises, say sweet nothing’s, and never follow through. I will have to accept that I don’t trust him because of those things and that he will never work to build that trust. I have to accept that he just wants me to go back to the way things were. I have to accept that what he wants is not what I want. He wants to stay the same, I want to change and grow. So I guess we said goodbye.

I would be okay being friends with him if he wasn’t trying to also have sex with me.  It’s not fair to me to give him almost everything I would as a girlfriend without the label or the title. To just be a warming place for the replacement. I’m just a place holder to subside the loneliness until someone else comes along. I don’t want to be that for him, and I’d never want him to be that for me. He was my boyfriend, he was someone I gave my respect, my effort, my life and my love to. And he betrayed me.

Why would I want to have sex with someone that I have been having sex with for years, only to find out their intentions weren’t true. I didn’t go into a 3.5 year relationship with someone for “casual sex”. I went into that relationship because I was promised things that were never fulfilled. I stayed in that relationship because I always had hope that someday he would follow through.

I can’t be friends with benefits with someone like that. We’re too far gone. We went too deep. We hurt too much. And there’s so many people involved now. You can’t have your cake and eat it too. You can’t just erase the past and say okay yeah we’re friends let’s fuck as well. It’s not happening.

And if I want to have casual sex with other men, it’s because I have no expectations of them. If you wanted that from the get go you should have never promised me love and care and an opportunity to be your girlfriend. If you wanted casual sex with me then you should have never asked to be in a relationship with me. If all you wanted was to have fun and nothing else. Then you should have just said that from the start. I have different expectations for different types of relationships. Casual sex with people to me usually means I want to know them as little as possible, I don’t want to think about them ever again, they are never my priority, they will never have my respect, and I’ll use them for as little or as long as I want. They will probably do the same with me. 

I had casual sex once. As an attempt to move on from you and to try and see if that was something I was capable of doing again. I’m not. Having casual sex with that guy was not worth it. I thought I’d be okay, but I’m not. I’m better off alone. I don’t want casual sex anymore, it was fun when I was in high school, and early university. But now I really just wanted someone to settle down with. And I’ll probably hold off on being with anyone until I find that person for me.

I have to accept that _ _ _ _ _ will never be that person for me

I need to stop waiting for you _ _ _ _ _ _.

I need to stop hoping you’ll change.

I need to stop praying that you’re the one for me and that you’re the guy for me because its obvious from last night’s encounter that you have no intention of being that man for me.

I have to accept that I have to move on.

I have to accept that I have to let you go.

I have to move on, and I’m not turning back for you anymore. I’m not going to turn around to see if you’re still there. I’m not going to check in and see if you’re okay. I’m not turning back now that I’ve seen what we are and what we both decided.

Those convos we recorded. I’m scared to hear them. I’m scared to hear how toxic we are. To each other. But now at least we’re free from that. It’s only going to get better from here. At least now you know you don’t want commitment, you want to just have casual sex and have fun with women and live an easy going life. At least you know that now, and know that you don’t want to put in the work and effort and therefore will just have casual relationships.

Or honestly, maybe you will find the person worthwhile. Someone that’s more compatible with you that you would be more willing to put effort into. I made it too easy. I fell onto your lap, you never had to try, and when I asked you to try it was too late because you felt like you didn’t need to since you got me without trying at all

I thought what we had was magic, I realized now that I have to accept that it was anything but.

If you end up reading this, which I guess you probably will, don’t bother trying to get us back together anymore. Don’t bother telling me things will be different. Don’t bother telling me you miss me when all you really miss is my body. You just miss my scent, you just miss my body to have sex with. You just miss tits and ass. You don’t really miss me.

I wish you all the best _ _ _ _ _. I don’t hate you, but I think it’s time for me to fall out of love with you for good this time. I’m closing this chapter. This book is closing. And this will be the last blog post you’ll ever have access to. I no longer need you to read into my thoughts since you had no intention of ever doing anything with that information. I’ve been an open book with you. I’ve expressed myself in person, I’ve expressed myself in conversation with you whether virtual or not; we’ve had real back and forth’s. We’ve had opportunities to hear each other out. This was my outlet to speak with no interruption; with no “that’s not what I said and that’s not what I meant or you’re twisting my words around”. This was truly just me saying what’s on my mind, as if I was talking to a wall.

Its therapeutic for me. It helps me get toxic thoughts out of my head, and also helps me lay out what I’m feeling and see it for what it is. I literally gave you access to my diary because that’s exactly what this is. You had the ability to see my mind, see where I’m at, and see if you could really challenge those thoughts and perceptions you said you’ve tried for years and that you have tried to change them. You can’t change them with words you can only change them with action.

Take me for example, I write a lot of words on this blog, I too say a lot of things. I too make promises. I also challenge your thoughts. But guess what? When I promise something, I keep it. I hold myself accountable. When I say I’ll do something, I do it. You have never had to doubt that I wouldn’t do something I said I would. If I’m someone who likes to do nice things for someone, I don’t just say it, I do it. When I’m thinking about someone and feel the need to reach out, I don’t have fear. I just do it. I am not just all talk. I am talk and action. I have shown and proved time and time again that I actually mean what I say. Yes at times I may speak in “code” or sometimes I don’t really say what I literally mean. But I do still speak my mind, and even if it’s not literally what I mean, that doesn’t mean it’s not real.

If it was me in your place, if I was the one who was causing pain to my partner by not trying enough or not keeping promises that just wouldn’t sit well with me. I don’t think I could ever treat someone I love that says they love me that way. My parents love me, I love them, but it’s very different. I never wanted that for an intimate relationship. I already get enough cold heartedness from them. I already have people in my life who break promises. I already have people in my life who say one thing and do another. I already have people in my life who don’t really share their feelings with me. I don’t want that in my partner too. I wanted real love and affection. I wanted openness and honesty. I wanted promises kept. I wanted accountability for actions.

You made so many promises last week and literally I’m not even exaggerating when I say this you broke every single one of them. Except one. The only one you kept was “keeping me posted”. And you shouldn’t be applauded for that, because that’s the bare minimum of communication. You promised me poetry, you promised me that you acknowledged that I deserve to be treated like a goddess, a queen. You promised me love and honesty. You promised me real change and that you would go to counseling.

What did you really do? You tried to buy me, you didn’t follow through on counseling despite the countless times you have willingly agreed that you needed it and did it on your own accord based on my arguments or evidence. There’s no poems, there will be no change. Just empty promises.

I don’t feel this way right now, but I know someday the right guy will be there for me. And I’m holding on to that thought. I deserve real love and I deserve happiness with someone. I deserve a partner. I don’t deserve empty promises. And that’s all you are unfortunately. I gave you too much credit, I gave you way too much hope, and I gave you way too many chances. It’s time to let go.

I hope you find the right person for you, and I hope the same for me. I never wanted to leave you alone in that parking lot, I couldn’t help but worry about you, but just because I worry and just because I care doesn’t mean we need to be in a relationship together. I can feel ways about you and I probably will for a while. But at least we both know it’s a dead end.

Take care, love you. If you have anything to say about any of this, I suggest you speak up, but only if you really mean it.

 

 

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Freelance

Death by Shingles

Calling in sick on Tuesday was the best day I had in months. I helped my brother move into his new place. We did a lot the last two days. There’s still more to be done. I didn’t want to call in sick twice in row, because I saw how many emails I had coming in.

I’m so overwhelmed with work I could cry. I feel so embarrassed and ashamed and disappointed in myself. My manager has given me tips and tricks on how to stay organized and how to stay on top of things — I’ve had no time to practice what she preached. It seems unrealistic when I have such an overflow of things coming in CONSTANTLY.

I have over a 100 revision emails to do, I had almost 200 customer requests (just in one day), and not to mention my other duties. I’ve luckily had people stepping in to support me. I don’t have to do allocations because I have way too much to do.

I want to just stick to 8 hours a day but I’m starting to realize that I have no choice. I have to catch up. I have to work overtime or I’ll never get rid of this.

I guess that’s what makes me sad, I don’t like being in a situation like this. I understand that ultimately it’s my choice. And I’ve made the choice week after week to do maybe an hour or two extra a day to keep up. But it’s not enough.

I’m not enough. I’m fucking burnt out. I’m exhausted. My eyes burn everytime I look at that damn laptop screen. I feel like my face is constantly frowning and I’m just constantly frustrated for 8 hours or more.

I don’t feel like its healthy. I have no choice but to stick through. Who’s going to hire me during COVID-19? Even worse who’s going to hire me when I start school in a few months? I just have to hold off a little longer.

The whole team is swamped, and somehow they’re managing. I feel like I haven’t talked to people as much lately because of how busy we are. I came here to write because I’m literally trying to sleep and all I want to do is cry because I feel like a failure.

I feel so defeated and exhausted. I worked for HOURS helping my brother move and I didn’t even feel that tired. I felt sleepy only because I didn’t sleep enough, but otherwise I pushed through and felt good and happy. I’m just sad to be back home now with my parents working from home doing this shitty job

I know I should be grateful for even having a job. I’m probably a brat for complaining but fuck it what the fuck is an anon blog for if I can’t even speak my mind?

With a heavy heart, I’m signing off.

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What I want in a Man.

Sigh take 1…

I’ll probably have to redo this

But I guess I gotta try since this was my homework

I want someone intelligent, smart and ambitious.

I want to be with a man that is willing to help us live a comfortable life. I want to make enough money to bring the table, but I don’t necessarily want to be the sole “breadwinner”. I want someone to financially team and succeed with.

I want someone to travel the world with, try different foods, try new experiences, try new things, learn new cultures, languages, mannerisms, fashion, etc. I like to completely immerse myself in the uniqueness of another country in as many aspects as possible, it would be cool to have a partner that appreciates the same

I want someone who is family oriented. I’ve been indecisive in the past about this, but I do hope to raise and have a family with a partner someday. I want that partner there from start to finish. There thick and thin, someone to help raise the child with me, someone to grow old with. I want someone that would take the initiative to help with the early stages of childcare, and also be there to help them grow to beautiful human beings. I want someone consistent.

I want someone who’s slightly social. I’ve danced around this idea for a while, and I think I need to make a decision about this if I’m just speaking frankly and imaginatively. Someone as social as I am would be cool, but I worry that we may clash in limelight. I don’t want to have the limelight stolen, but I want it shared. I want someone charming enough to share the limelight with me on the rare moments I have it. I usually stay out of the limelight, I’m better one on one or drunk but I love someone to have fun with and someone that isn’t shy or ashamed to be with me. I want someone who’s proud of me and isn’t scared to call me their own and treat me as a queen… or a goddess as some would say! LOL

I want someone who’s generally clean and sanitary, as the bare minimum requirement. I can have slobblish tendencies at times but for the most part I tend to be a clean, neat and organized person. I’d want someone to at least at the bare minimum respect that or be similar in that way or share that as a common end goal.

I want someone funny. Someone who makes me laugh, cheers me up when I’m down, and I hope to do the same for them . I make a lot of people laugh, and I cheer a lot of people up. It would bring me great joy to share that with my partner. Someone who understands my sense of humor and to have someone who’s humor I understand as well. I’d hate to misinterpret it and be offended when it was meant to be a joke. I’d want someone where I could tell the true different between a good joke and a “I gotta cover it up as a joke”. Someone that I can just have hilarious banter with once in a while. Someone to have inside jokes with. Someone where if we just give each other a look we’d burst out laughing. I do have depressive moments, and I’m sure my partner may have some too. I’d hope that we have enough happiness to be able to combat those sad times together.

I want someone who’s able to be vulnerable and genuine with me. I want pure feelings and emotions to be shared once in a while. Not everyday, but every so often when the moment feels right. To be randomly complimented on who I am as a person to them, what I mean to them, how I make them feel. Someone to make me feel beautiful on my “I feel ugly” days, someone to affirm that we’re great together and we’re going to grow together. Someone to motivate and inspire me. I want someone who isn’t afraid to show me how they feel, and is honest about their feelings no matter how sad or angry or scared they are. I want them to be able to share those moments with me so that I can support in anyway I can. If something I did bothered them, I’d want to know. I want someone I can be emotional with as well.

I want spontaneity. I love surprises, I love random last minute plans with the right people. I also love planned surprises. I want someone willing to go the extra mile once in a while to do something romantic or cute or sweet with no real reason required.

I want someone who would never forget my birthday or our anniversary. Someone who can plan accordingly for those things would be cool as well!

I want someone who likes the simple pleasures of life: art, nature, food, music. The quality of them all and to be able to enjoy them together would be fantastic. I want someone to explore every facet of those things possible.

I want someone who challenges me to be a better version of myself and someone who I can help do the same for.

I want bomb. Ass. Sex. Like freaky shit. Rough shit. Nasty shit. Raunchy shit. I want it all. I want someone who can make love to me in one moment but also give me excitement factor. I have different moods and I like a variety. I want someone willing to be able to try new things in the bedroom. Foreplay, role play, costumes, new positions. Someone who’s also accepting of me not necessarily being the GREATEST in any of these things but willing to try them out and have fun regardless. I want someone who buys me sexy lingerie they want to see me in and then completely enjoy it. I want to dance on someone and give them a strip tease.i want someone who thinks I’m sexy, someone that can’t get enough with me. Someone who wants sex often, till we physically can’t anymore LOLOL. I want someone that I can fantasize about day and night * sighs deeply in love *

I want someone to read books with, watch tv with, watch movies with. Someone who appreciates my list of things is like to do. Of course I want someone that allows us both to practice our individuality, it will be a balancing act for sure but hey a dream guy is a dream guy right?

I’ve had an ex that wasn’t far off from this list at all. And if I ever do decide or choose to work things out with him maybe things really will be different this time. I suppose I’m being naïve and hopeful contrasting this morning’s journal entry… and like I said I may have to tweak and add along the way… I really want to be honest with myself and I may not be able to at this time.

Right now, all I can think about is him. I’m worried its impacting this list but also maybe that isn’t such a bad thing? He was a lot of things I wanted in a man, he was also a lot of things I didn’t know I wanted in a man but got as a bonus. And now my future men if I decide to move on have big shoes to fill thanks to him.

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Looking back

It’s funny because looking back at my previous blog posts, I see how many times our relationship has fallen apart, how many times I’ve brought up these same problems, thoughts and feelings.

I sometimes forget how many times we broke up, and how many times it felt like things were just really confusing and scary. How many more times am I willing to go through this with him?

Why does he keep wanting to do this with me? It’s obviously not working.

I started last week hopeful and happy, but as always I always come back to this point. If things were going right, wouldn’t they feel “right”?

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Red Flags

I woke up with a sick feeling in my stomach. The conversation I had with him on Saturday night basically set the tone. And it sucks, because we did have a good week. It was really nice, but here’s the thing – it was just one nice week –and we still managed to have a big disagreement on our last leg of the week.

How often are we going to have ‘disagreements’? How often are we going to ‘argue’ about things? Do I really want to fight with someone 52 times a year? Is it even worth it? But are the things he says or does enough to cause alarm or even to fight? Are these fights necessary? Is my voice being heard? Am I in the wrong here? Honestly it’s a combination of a lot of things, so I mean sometimes there’s cases where it didn’t or doesn’t have to be a fight.

I’m not okay. That’s the truth; and maybe mentally I’m not okay to be in a relationship if I can’t even trust him for certain things. Yes that cake his coworker gave him was for him and some other people but the cake didn’t have anyone’s names on it –it just said “Fine, Go.”. And it was cute and funny and sweet. And instead of being happy for him that he had a good group of work friends who were also girls, I was jealous, upset and started a fight about it. It honestly just makes me wonder what he does at work– and I guess it’s because I used to work with him back when he was in high school, and he just flirted with anyone that flirted with him. And seeing how “oblivious” he is to people liking him, he probably does flirt with these girls at his workplace now. But then… what’s wrong with flirting? It’s harmless. I flirt at the bar to make money, I do nothing further than that and I know myself enough to know that I’m faithful and I’d never cheat on my partner. Why can’t I trust him the same way?

For him to say they (his work girlfriends) facetime—FACETIME. Multiple times a week? Does he say that just to make me feel jealous? Does he win because it does make me jealous? He did give the disclaimer that he did not want to tell me this information since he knows it will make me upset for no reason, and he doesn’t like doing that. I forced it out of him knowing that disclaimer –AND I did get hurt by it. So is this my own doing? Also he’s face-timing them, we’re not even together— so is that really a big deal? Is it wrong that he has friends who are willing to do that, but I don’t? No it’s not — my friends are just different, and his friends are different- so what’s the problem? He doesn’t like texting, he likes facetiming I guess… he used to do that with me after work. While he’s at work I guess it makes sense to talk to his co-workers that aren’t even in his department anymore, because they’re more interesting and fun to talk to rather than me. I’m not someone he’d want to talk to because he’s always in a rush to get off the phone with me whenever I would call during hours. Again, things are different now because he works from home, so he probably feels more free talking to friends he actually liked at work. So what the fuck is my problem then?

I have my own issues I need to deal with, and maybe being with someone like him isn’t a good idea for me. I’m the problem, I just don’t like it –and that makes me a possessive/obsessive person – which I don’t want to be. He should be able to do what he wants– he’s never not been faithful with me… but now I really don’t know. Is the line of “faithful” to “unfaithful” really the point where someone fucks another person? Is that where the line is drawn between the two? Or can it start earlier?

I think one of the MOST unsettling thing about the week I had with him, was that I first felt compelled to tell him the drama about my cousin — I guess because he works with her, she got him the job, and she’s….the most entertaining cousin I have. She lives and leads quite the eccentric life so it was just someone or something to talk about with him I guess. I’m not going to lie, she makes me feel insecure. (One of my friends in particular told me yesterday that she thinks it’s funny that this cousin of mine got all this work done, and I still look better than her… it did make me feel better at the time, but who really cares about natural beauty these days? It’s the fake ones that make the most money, attract the most attention towards them, and they get their way regardless.) I know a lot of guys are into her, she can get any guy she wants, and even the simple fact that his own brother is into her, it’s practically genetic that he’d be into her too if the tables were turned. I remember mentioning her on our “first date” on Monday last week. And he felt such a huge urge to talk to her. He kept saying “Oh man I gotta talk to her about this, but it’s probably too late now” “Oh I wish I could talk to her so I could have helped her make the smarter decision” “Oh I wish I could have talked to her before all of this” “Oh I gotta talk to her damn”.

And I’m pretty sure we brought her up again near the end of the week and he was convinced that he could get her to listen to him – to hear him out. First of all — is she your girlfriend? No she’s not she’s your (now ex) girlfriend’s cousin. Second of all — why do you feel so compelled to talk to her and change her? Is that your job? Is she your girl to be doing that with? Third of all – when you guys did talk how deep were the talks? She’s a pretty open book, and loves to talk about herself, but you sure love to listen to her.

To be honest I feel like it’s a double whammy because I don’t 100% trust her, nor do I 100% trust him. I know she tells the truth when she says she’s not into him, and that she doesn’t think he’s right for me – but why does she think that? Does she like him? She thought he was a nice guy – but thought he was a tad controlling – which yeah obviously he can be. He tries to control me (he’ll call them “strong suggestions”) and my actions and tries to do the same to her because he thinks “she’ll listen”. He thinks “he can get to her” that he “can change her” but why he feels so compelled to do so is beyond me. It’s bad because I literally get nightmares of them sleeping together in the office, or fucking in the office utility closet or something. Again, these are toxic thoughts in my head that haven’t been proven, nor can they ever be proven, they just cause harm to my relationship with him because of my own insecurities – it’s not okay. 

If he wants to talk to my cousin so badly, I didn’t stop him. I gave him the choice to un-follow her because I knew they had their own friendship at work and I wasn’t trying to make it completely awkward. If they wanna talk go for it.

Out of everyone he chose to be “close with” he picked the most unstable family member to “bond” with. He’s worked with my sister and brother before – did he ever try talking to them? Reaching out to them for gift ideas or advice? No. He never did. The people who would truly go through thick and thin for me – unlike this cousin.

So— okay; he’s got a group of co-worker friends that for whatever reason I don’t feel good about– but I understand these are completely insecure and irrational feelings. Which is not fair to him because he deserves to be happy, he should feel free to talk to who he wants to, and have the ability to have whatever friends he wants to have. Who he chooses to spend his time with is his own personal preference. I don’t live every minute of everyday with him, and his friends are a part of his individuality. If I am unable to accept this fact – then I cannot be in a relationship with him or with anyone for that matter. 

Red flag: him feeling compelled to speak to my cousin — him wanting so badly to meddle into her life and offer his intelligent advice and recommendations. He wants to share his ideas with her so badly. Once he’s with me again, I’m sure they’ll both feel compelled to talk to each other again “for effort’s sake right”? Yeah no fuck that. If he wants my cousin so badly, why does he have to go through me? Just skip the line and go straight to where your heart’s telling you to go buddy.

Red flag: Initially wanting to bring up something, basically does – changes his mind about it and then ends up telling me with just a little probing about it. He does want me to feel a little jealous and insecure. He wants me to feel like I could lose him too. Him saying “If you don’t want me, I don’t want you”. I’m not afraid of that anymore, he’s already gone. So what else do I have to lose?

Red flag: no one changes that quickly. The fact that he suddenly feels like he’s changed and that everything will be different concerns me. We dated 3.5 years. And in those years, he refused to want to do any of those things, he didn’t care how I felt about it until I actually left. Should I have left sooner then? Will I have to keep leaving in the future to get what I want? Is that how this relationship will work? Or is the only way it can work this constant struggle for power over one another? I have the “upper hand” now as I’m the one making the decision to take him back or not. When (not if, because he will) he breaks up with me, he “has the upper hand” to take me back. And he’s broken up with me way more times than I have with him. This was my first and only time really leaving him. He was so inconsistent with me. He was so up and down and confused about wanting to be with me or not. I can’t trust that he’ll suddenly be consistent now… It’s just not something I have the capacity to do anymore.

Red flag: he argued about being supportive. He told me that telling my parents was my own battle. He later agreed after much deliberation that he would be there – but it was an unnecessary argument to even have with your partner in the first place. Why even for a moment, even semantically not say you’ll be there every step of the way? It was just stupid. I even cried. The fact that he just gets my emotions worked up to a point of tears within a week of us talking/seeing each other again- is alarming to me.

Red flag: Started off saying he would respect my wishes and my space, while also strongly encouraging me to come over and go back to “normal” all over again, go back to the way things used to be. Thereby indicating that nothing’s really going to change we’re going back to familiarity and comfort.

Red flag: he made plans to see me, to spend time with me, to finish up a movie we were watching together, and despite me asking PRIOR to him making these plans with me — if he wanted to/ or had plans with his friends – him saying no & that he didn’t care, until there was a potential plan actually being made that he was willing to flake on this plan with me for. Like it’s just funny how it works cause he’ll make plans with me, come see me and when something “better” comes along he’ll go do that –because I’m just going to be there always right? I’m not going anywhere? I’ll always be here so what’s the big deal? 🙂 fuck that shit. If I’m not valued as a person, if I’m not deemed as important or as urgent as those people then go be with them, why even be in a relationship then. If you guys had prior commitments, or plans, by all means do that – but DO NOT double book me into a situation like that, if you’ve committed to plans with me, and have already gotten to the point where we’re together bringing these plans to life then… I don’t see why you bother.

Red flag: He signed up for counselling just because I put a condition on it; — and for his own reasons struggles with the idea to be honest about us, our problems, our issues, his own issues. For whatever reason he’s still in a mindset that he’s capable of solving all of these things himself, when the reality is he’s struggled with all of this and even problems with our relationship for years. We’d both benefit from counseling, and for him to think that he’s fine without it is concerning considering what we’ve been through.

MAJOR RED FLAG: He went from being really remorseful, full of regret, genuine, scared to lose me last Friday to Monday when he saw me; but towards the end of the week he kept saying “we weren’t that bad” “things weren’t that bad” “I wasn’t that bad” “this relationship wasn’t that bad”. I honestly thought he finally acknowledged the problems we had in the beginning of the week, which gave me hope. It’s funny how much he was able to show within a week, didn’t take very long to bring out his true colors, and intentions. By him reverting back to “things weren’t that bad” suggests that going back to him means going back to the way things were, with nothing really changing.

Again, I’m fully aware things can’t change quickly. You can’t show everything in a short period of time. But him and I have history, we have patterns of events over the course of 3 and a half years, we have data gathered about each other, we have patterned actions, patterned solutions, patterned fights. And no one’s saying these patterns were consistent – each time things were a little different. It’s no less a pattern.

We cannot undermine the length of time we have already spent together. Especially being that it is both the longest relationship him and I have ever been in with a single person. That is a long time. That’s almost the length of an average time it takes to complete a degree, that’s almost the length of what it should take to finish high school. Almost 4 years we spent together, and where did it take us? What did we learn from it? What can and will change from it? What’s good about it?

He’s a logical data guy,  he’s definitely capable of taking the data we have about each other and realize that there were real deep rooted issues between us. Love and gifts can’t carry a relationship. You need more than love and gifts. You need support, friendship, value, respect, care. I know he cares about me, he does try to show that, he does try to take interest in things I want to show him. He did spend time with me doing things he wouldn’t usually do. He didn’t care how late we stayed out, but I can’t say that just because he did it this week that it will last a lifetime. I went into a 3.5 year relationship expecting a lifetime of love and care and joy, he broke me many times during that period, so I really don’t think it’s a fair expectation to believe in permanence with him moving forward. And how will he ever be able to prove it? Is he even willing to do that for whatever length of time it takes?

He is a very sweet guy; the little things he did shouldn’t go unnoticed and they are things I love; him trying to keep me safe, making sure that if I’m hungry that he’ll take care of us, the gifts he bought were practical, useful and thoughtful. He was very sweet and humble about them. The time he spent with me was not just a quick hour here and there, things weren’t rushed, he truly did value the time we had together, and wanted it more than he wanted anything else. Despite my doubts and fears about him – being with him in person is the most comforting thing I experienced, it takes all of that away.

Maybe if he did more and said less it would get him out of a lot of trouble. It’s usually the things he says, the promises he makes, or the things he argues that get him into all of these issues. Because they don’t add up. He says a lot of good things, a lot of bad things, and the actions of all of them just don’t add up at all. Everything just “feels wrong” that’s what my gut’s telling me. It’s unsettling to think that my friends and family will support me through anything and everything– but the fact that they continuously discourage me from this relationship scares me.

I saw something really eye-opening on Instagram last night. My sister’s friend who’s ex blatantly cheated on her, didn’t admit to it- and was just a bucket of lies and treated her like shit during the entire process… made a video with her where she said “I love and appreciate you J**on” and he went after her and said “Shout out to all you haters against me, I’m not going to name any names but you know who you are, this is to you “I’m still here baby””… and honestly.. seeing that makes me feel like I can see clear as day that he knows exactly what he’s doing, he got his way, and she’s allowing herself to be in a relationship where things like this can and will continue. I can’t do anything to stop her, but it looks like a train wreck about to happen, but we gotta support her because this is her choice right? If he was an abusive person, would we still let her do this? Yeah it’s just cheating – does that make it any better? The fact that he’s SO PROUD of himself for still being around despite what he did, it was just disgusting to see. Like he’s a really good looking guy, charming, sweet even— so I mean he’s not all bad, I know that. But much like my own situation with my ex, seeing that video made her look like a fool – it’s clear as day that this thing is foolish, and she posted it on every social media account I have her on. Did he make her do that? Was it necessary for all of us to know the deal? Does she value and love herself enough to know that this is not okay?

Do I love and value myself enough to know that I wouldn’t want that? Am I willingly doing that going back to an ex that isn’t too far off from J**on? Like yeah he’s not a cheater, but he’s definitely manipulative, and definitely has unrealized feelings towards my cousin that he probably needs to look deep inside and figure out because I’m not going back to shit like that.

Last week with him was eye-opening to say the least. Taking this week to really reflect and think about what I want to talk to my counselor about is something I’m looking forward to now, because I’m feeling a little crazy and I think I need professional advice as to whether I am in a toxic relationship… or if I’m just making it out to be toxic when it’s normal… or if I’m just someone who shouldn’t be in a relationship PERIOD.

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I’m with you ✊🏽

You don’t have to be black to advocate against police brutality.

You don’t have to be black to to follow the news.

You don’t have to be black to spread awareness.

Enough is enough. Innocent black people are being murdered and they need all hands on deck.

Friends, family, colleagues; I encourage you to look deep into your hearts and truly try to imagine what over 400 years of brutal discrimination  can do to a generation of black people. To even fathom seeing innocent black people who followed the rules, did not resist and even tried peace protests to still be victimized.

The truth is, we will NEVER understand the gravity and pain that the black community is going through, but we need to support them no matter what.

Freedom to roam the earth like everyone else is a basic human right, things need to change NOW.

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Freelance

Things to remember about him

You can’t get back together with him.

You will not get back together with him.

You’re just comfortable with him after all these years. You settled in your mind before dating him that this was your last chance at love and that you’ll never find better.

You always wanted him that’s true. You always had a crush on him, and now you got to have him for 3 years, what has he done for you in that time?

You told him you love handwritten cards. Tell me, how many times did he really do that for you? Without begging him to? Why was it so hard for him to write his thoughts on paper?

How many times did you help him with school work and house work. How many times did he ever help you? None.

You told him one of your love languages were words of affirmation. How did he respond? He told you it was mainly your responsibility and that it was stupid to want something like that. You don’t get words of affirmation at home like he does from his parents. His parents constantly praise him and compliment him and tell him who he is. You never had that and he failed to realize that and do that for you. He’s still right that I can affirm myself but having a partner that cares about you to also affirm things for you helps as well.

He was never the first to give a genuine compliment. You’d always say something sweet first which would then prompt him to do the same.

He treats you like how he taught you to treat your mom. Ignore, ignore, ignore. Ignore when you don’t want to hear it. Ignore when you don’t want to fight. A fight can’t start if you don’t respond. But that’s exactly how he treats you. You speak your mind, you say how you’re feeling, you express your frustrations, sometimes you even profess your love. He only responds to what he feels like. He’ll never respond to a negative thing about him, but throw a compliment and he’ll be right there to respond. The way he ignores you is hurtful because that’s not how you treat someone you love. You don’t leave them behind. It hurts to be ignored and you literally couldn’t ignore him if you tried. You can’t resist replying to him because you love him. He never had a problem ignoring you. For days, weeks, maybe even months. He doesn’t care about you. He doesn’t feel any sort of way leaving you on read. He always has the excuse that he’s a poor communicator and that “he’s bad at texting”.

Again, when you love someone you make it happen. It’s as simple as that. The first couple years we were just getting to know each other, I’d even say just the first year, but we were almost hitting 4 years and that’s more than enough time to know someone and know what their needs are and he never tried. He truly never did. He always said he tried, but there was never clear evidence of it. His favourite lines once you said to prove it was: “you just don’t see the things I do for you”, “you don’t notice what I do for you”, “I have nothing to prove to you if you can’t notice it”

He doesn’t want to try. The first year when he wanted to break up with you because he felt like you were asking for too much. That’s when you should have left. He set the precedent. He was clear and honest about his intentions. He was clear that this is who he was and he doesn’t plan on changing. You didn’t want to hear it. You didn’t want to believe him. That’s what hurt you in the end the most. Hopefully this is a lesson for you to learn that if they say that they don’t want to try for you; then stop giving them all of you because they do not deserve it. You’re worth more than how he treated you. You deserve to be loved the way you want to be loved, and if the person who says they love you tells you they don’t want to? Then I’m sorry, they don’t love you like they say they do. They don’t understand what it means to love someone. He never understood that, and he will never admit that he was wrong for hurting you.

He doesn’t respect you or your body. He thinks he’s entitled to your body just because he’s had it in the past. He doesn’t mind degrading you or making you feel low. He doesn’t mind telling you “truths” about his preferences towards you even if it means it hurts. He genuinely doesn’t mind having sex with you, busting a nut in you, and then leaving. He doesn’t understand that you actually love him, and that doing that is the most hurtful thing you could ever do. You’re capable of having casual sex, just not with someone you loved as deeply as you loved him

He has no problem leaving you. He’s quick to tell you that he still loves you and still wants you, but he doesn’t even try to show it. He’s always on the fence about being with you when he’s with you, no matter what you do or did for him. If you ever wanted something, you used to keep quiet about it. When he would ask you to speak up about what you wanted and you’d tell him – it was problematic because those were things he didn’t want to do. You were always forced to compromise. And whenever you’d do something for him he’d always say you’re doing it on your own accord and will and that he doesn’t force you to do it. That’s true, that’s correct but that doesn’t change the fact that you did things to make him happy, because you wanted to, and he chose not to do the same for you.

He’s selfish. The most he’s done about it is admitting that he is. You put returning the record back to you as one of the break up terms and he found his way around keeping it. The only thing he was able to fight for. The only thing he put all his effort into. He cared more about that than anything else you ever did for him. If anything, that’s probably the only reason he stuck around. He’s selfish, inconsiderate, and rude.

He openly admitted that he would never bond with my family or friends or ever try. A sure fire sign that he never intended on making me happy. My friends and cousins didn’t like him for me, but I was blinded in love by him. Seeing him admit it with absolutely no remorse is proof that he’s not the one. Let him go. Despite all the effort you put into his friends and family, it hurts that he would even want to say something like that. He’s ungrateful.

He was always cheap with you. He never minded spending hundreds of dollars on himself, when when it came to you, it was minimal. He never planned dates, he never wanted to take you out, nothing was ever “on him” cause we always split. Birthday gifts? Forget about it. You have a small teddy bear from him, he paid for dinner at sotto sotto and called it his gift, paid for museum tickets for a date once, some souvenirs from Jamaica, a face cream… what else? The fact that you can actually recall all the gifts he ever gave in the 3 years of being with you is sad. You bought all your concert tickets, you paid for all your own merch, you paid for most of your meals with him, if you didn’t split it with him – you usually paid for everything. You worked 2 jobs to afford being with him, and yet he had the audacity to say that you didn’t save well. He had the audacity to say that you weren’t good enough. Not everything was about money but with the way he treated you, you had no choice but to at least count your pennies. It’s all you had left. You already lost your confidence, your dignity, your integrity, were you going to lose your finances over a man too? Never again. Please, never again. Never spend money on a man who treats you like this, he never deserved you. If there was one truth he ever told it was that; he never deserved you.

Anytime you remember something like this about him, write it down, come back here and read everything back to yourself. You cannot take him back. You have to let go and leave him. He hurt you. He hurt you so badly and feels no remorse about it. He only cares about you when you’re in front of him. When you’re not there, you don’t exist. That’s not how you treat someone you love. You can’t be without someone you love. When someone loves you they’re genuinely concerned not hearing from you, it doesn’t have to be everyday or every moment in time but it does matter to them. When someone loves you, they will do anything for you. When someone loves you they genuinely want to make you happy, whatever it takes to do it. When someone loves you they don’t hurt you time and time again. When someone loves you, they don’t ignore you. When someone loves you, they fight for you. When someone loves you, they put the effort in. You deserve that. You deserve love. You deserve the love you gave and more.

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A dream, not a reality.

I had a dream that my now ex boyfriend texted me a long message telling me that it’s not worth losing me and it was as if he suddenly woke up and realized that he was wrong. He apologized and told me what he was going to do to fix it. He told me he was going to come over and have dinner with my parents to show he was serious. He treated it like an interview and let them ask their questions. I guess I knew it was a dream for sure when my parents were acting so nice and friendly and not awkward about it. He smiled with his charismatic smile and won them over. I miss that smile so much. He didn’t make me feel ashamed of my culture. I already naturally am not that proud of many aspects of it, but in certain conditions I do like the music, food, fashion, etc. My ex never really cared for it. It was such an amazing over the top dream, and of course I didn’t wake up happy from it because I knew right away that it would never happen. My ex has never sent me a long text. Nothing long ever. We’ve never exchanged paragraphs. It’s usually me pouring my heart out in paragraphs and him just gingerly replying to some of them in sum. He’s also never really admitted when he’s wrong, not a time that I can recall at least. What he does do is offer business proposals and tries to sell it as being beneficial to both of us. For example he tried to say that us getting back together for the quarantine would make us both happy. I want to believe it, and I wish I said yes but I know better than that now. I’d be a fool to take him back only to return to the same point we got to March 17th when he didn’t know what he wanted and so I broke up with him. He wants to see other people, try other relationships out – fuck other women. And that’s not really what bothers me. I understand him wanting other women it’s just I’m constantly his safety net. His backup. His last resort backup plan option. And that’s what hurts. I mean there’s so many little things about him that I don’t like, and that I chose to ignore because I’m attracted to him. But maybe it’s best that I just move on from him now. I had him for some time, we had fun, and now we know we’re not compatible so I guess it’s for the best. I don’t want to play the waiting game right now. I don’t want to spend my time waiting for him to realize that I’m enough – because if he doesn’t realize it now then he never will. I’m not going to message him anymore. He couldn’t even keep his word about the record. He refused to return it to me because he’s so selfish and that was the one and only thing he fought for. Never fought for me but would fight for a material thing. Of course I love and miss him. He was such an amazing kisser (when he felt like it) and he was a great fuck too (again, when he felt like it) – but everything was always based on how he felt and what he wanted. If he just wanted to give light pecks that’s all I got. I used to have to ask for a wet kiss cause those were my favourite but were also a rarity. He kept me on a tight leash and I almost in a way loved it – I loved being dominated and controlled – I loved the way he tamed me. I became such a loyal pet but then he got bored of me. And I was left without an owner. I feel so fucked up admitting all of this. I feel ashamed now seeing it for what it is. Idk if I loved him or if it was just what I was comfortable with. I don’t know anymore. I think about him all the time and I’m always trying to refrain from messaging him. I always want him I always want to be around him. I love his smell, his taste, his eyes, his smile, his body just everything. I miss his hugs and kisses and cuddles. I miss his voice and I miss the way he would sing to me. I miss spending time with him doing nothing I miss doing drugs with him and just being high and happy. I miss riding him till he came I miss fucking him round after round. I loved being choked by him I loved the way he’d push me around and rough house me. I just loved how passionate our sex would be and it was always so fun. I loved the way he grabbed my ass and would fuck me from behind. He’d always tell me how fucking sexy I was as he’d grab my tits and moan about them. He made me feel so fucking hot. He made me feel like I was number one. But it was only when we fucked. The minute I left his house I was forgotten. Who cares if I got home safe? I’m only 10 mins away I absolutely got there safe. Who cares that I drove to him –he doesn’t give a shit how I got there. And no matter how much he said he loved me or wanted me around. I’d never hear from him. I always made the move. I always chased. I always made plans. I always ask him to hang out. And it sucks. I sucks to know that even after telling him what I told him he still chose to not try. He said he didn’t know if he wanted to yet or not. I guess I keep making the same mistakes. I keep beating a dead horse. I keep trying to reignite something that will never spark. He can say he loves me all he wants but the reality is you wouldn’t treat someone you love like this. And I guess I kept having to make the same fucking mistake to get it. Will I ever learn? I’m so cognitive of what’s happening to me or what I’m doing yet somehow I still manage to want to fuck things up and message him again. Why? Why do I keep going back? Why do I give him attention? Why do I pay him any mind at all? And for whatever reason I’m not interested in looking for other men right now. I know its COVID-19 season anyway which makes it even harder to trust people but fuck.

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Control.

I’m having a really hard time with this. It gets me emotional at times. Trying to stay controlled. And not be so “Out-Of-Control” with every aspect of my life.

Trying to control my mood-swings, my moods in general, my behaviour, my cravings, my hunger, my thirst, my bathroom breaks, time with others, time with myself, time with family, time with pop culture, time with my interests/hobbies, time with social media.

The hardest thing to control of all: Time with my boyfriend. It’s been hard because we had a really rough month in January, where we broke up several times, fought, didn’t talk, took breaks, took space, did everything we possibly could do, and somehow found our way back to each other. I still don’t feel 100% great about it, but whenever I’m with him or see him, it’s a happy experience.

I wasn’t proud of my jealous outburst when one of his female co-workers got him (and 2 others) a going-away cake. He recently got a promotion and will be changing departments, no longer sitting next to two girls that he became close with sitting with them everyday. I shouldn’t have gotten so jealous and insecure, but not to be overly hard on myself – it has been hard to trust our relationship after the rough patch we just had. Needless to say, he’s never indicated being with any other woman than me. So I shouldn’t have been so insecure. I know I’m beautiful, I know he finds me attractive, and I know he most likely wouldn’t leave me for one of his co-workers.

Throughout the breakups, space, and time. I think we both took that time to reflect on what we wanted in a relationship, what we wanted for ourselves, and whether we could do them together. There’s still a lot to talk about. Every time we’ve seen each other so far has just been catching up, or spending time with family. We’re getting some alone time on Wednesday so hopefully we can talk about some things on the way to his tattoo appointment.

Meanwhile, this is where the control has been hard. Controlling myself to not see/speak to him every minute of everyday. I understand that as couples, it’s okay for us to talk throughout the day, check in here and there, and meet up as often as we can. This is great, but what usually happened in the past, was I spent every free minute I could with him and his family, whilst neglecting my time with myself, my time with all my other things I needed to do, such as chores.

This is my main struggle. Learning to be wise with my time, and keep my own promises to myself. If I have things I need to do that directly affect me and my living situation, I need to prioritize those first. I need to prioritize my health – and this includes my mental health, over everything else.

Things I want to start doing for myself:

  1. Get into a regular workout routine
  2. Wake up at 6am everyday
  3. Go to bed as early as 10pm, no later than 1am for late night shifts.
  4. Clean my room and put all the clothes away
  5. Clear up the family room of all the luggage from vacation
  6. Pay off my debts aggressively
  7. Pack lunch as often as possible
  8. Cook more food – start with at least once a week
  9. Help out mom with household things
  10. Put the Christmas Tree away – as promised.
  11. Get familiarized with medical terms again
  12. Start getting into studying again ,start practicing French daily again
  13. Clean my bathroom weekly
  14. Start keeping track of skincare inventory and usage
  15. Start keeping track of Tips again.
  16. Maintain a financial budget that I can actually stick to
  17. Figure out what your “style” is
  18. Be more active on social media – post more selfies.
  19. Be more confident, increase my self-esteem
  20. Spend time with loved ones as often as possible – Ie. Visiting my sister, my family-friends, and friends – who are different from spending time with my boyfriend.

I can’t say that I will be able to tackle all of these at once, but I want to check in every week to see how I’m doing with this list! Feeling hopeful and positive about it.

I was feeling a little emotional this morning, almost on the verge of crying, and not understanding why. I was proud of myself for questioning it, unable to reason it – forced myself to stop and keep it together. This worked well as it prevented me from thinking negative thoughts throughout the day like I usually would have if I tried to tackle the reason behind my emotion. Sometimes, there is no real reason, and if the feeling doesn’t re-occur throughout the day, there’s no reason to confront or address it. I was proud of myself for choosing to blog/journal here instead and write out whatever it may have been.

I was watching “Marriage Story” earlier this morning, which may have attributed those emotional feelings. If that’s the case – it’s just a movie! I will get over it.

Looking forward to following up next week to see what I accomplished!

Staying hopeful,

____.

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