Hi again. I’m here to relentlessly vent about my life. I don’t seem to learn do I? I keep coming back here with the same problems as before. Sometimes I feel like I’ll take one step forward and three steps back.
I’ve been trying (maybe I haven’t been trying hard enough) to change. And specifically change my mental processes; trying to change the way I think to therefore change the way I feel and therefore change my behaviour. It’s all one chain reaction. I remember when I went to a few counselling sessions I had my counsellor giving me a visual of that. I think that may have been two years ago now.
For now because I’ve already pinpointed a behaviour I don’t like, I’m going to try to work backwards. How am I behaving right now? Well, I’m glad you asked. I feel if I were an outsider looking in, I would look very unappraochable right now. I’m frowning. Haven’t smiled once since I got out of bed. I haven’t eaten anything since 4pm yesterday, and to be honest I don’t know if I will eat. I’m not hungry. Don’t really have an appetite. I am tired but I don’t think I could sleep.
Now, how do I feel? I feel depressed, down, hurt, negative, ugly, hopeless, on the verge of giving up. I’m getting B’s when I need A’s if I want to do a master’s program. I need to eat better and exercise more if I want to like the way I look. I need to work less so I can study more. I need to work to pay my bills. I need to clean up the house so I’m comfortable where I stay. I need to buy new shoes and clothes and bags and makeup and whatever the fuck else I need that I’m so very lacking in my life. I just feel so unhappy. And ungrateful. I’m obviously not appreciating what I have in my life.
Now how did these feelings come about? Personally, I feel like I might have this deep rooted sense of not necessarily wanting to be the best or number one but better. I get really competitive sometimes and take on more than I can handle. For instance my boyfriend and I created a book club where we’re the only two members. He has more time allocated to reading than I do. And he’s continued to read without me and just sped ahead. It makes me feel angry. It makes me feel like I’m getting left behind. And I understand that’s not his intent. He needs something to pass the time during his commute. Reading has become a more positive way for him to utilize his time. Because of him speeding ahead, I now feel pressured to keep up. It makes me angry and makes me feel hopeless because no matter how hard I try I can’t keep up with him. Same goes for this stupid wordgame he wants me to play with him. Everytime I make a move, he jumps ahead. And I just can’t keep up. And then this feeling that I’ve always hads around him just keeps crawling into my head: “He’s better than me”. And to me, he is. In every sense of the way: he’s more fit than me, has a better body than me, has a better fashion sense than me, is smarter than me, is more clever than I am, is able to gather jokes and references better than I do. I’M JUST SO JEALOUS that sometimes I can’t stand to be around him.
Now, what the hell is wrong with me? I can just hear him talking inside my head rationalizing things out for me. Telling me that everyone has a “different”meaning to what “better” means to them. And I’m sure he’ll go on and ” downgrade” himself because he thinks that’s what will make me feel better. But I know what I’m feeling. I’m just being overly competitive. I want us to be at the same level and it sucks to be the one lagging behind constantly.
I wish I could just be the person I want to be already. I wish I had a banging ass body. With great tits and a nice ass and a small waist. I wish I was smart and just got A’s without trying. I wish I naturally had a good metabolism like my boyfriend does to keep my body in check. I wish I was more athletic. I wish I was strong. I wish I was not scared to get raped at every corner. I wish I knew how to fight my fears. I wish I had more fucking time. I can’t catch up.
He’s seen so many films, watched so many shows, never stopped watching anime. he’s just such a cool person. He’s got a bunch of trophies in his room, he’s smart and clever, he’s listened to more music than I have. I feel like I’ve had to leave everything I loved behind to fucking work. AND FOR WHAT?! WHAT DO I HAVE TO SHOW FOR IT? I’M STILL BROKE. I’M STILL FAT. I’M STILL UGLY. I’M STILL STUPID.
I know our circumstances were and are still different. I get that I just can’t compare my life and life experiences from one person to another. It’s just not possible to do so. And it’s not worth thinking about. I know he’d say something along those lines and he’s right. I have certain qualities that he doesn’t. And literally the only quality is that I’m a social butterfly. That’s the only thing that ever gets brought up. That’s the only “skill” if one can even consider it a skill that I have. That and a bunch of other social abilities I have. That’s all I have to offer. Other than that I live in a fucking rock and lack culture. I fail to live in the present. He’s everything I want to be and he does it effortlessly.
I just get so jealous and disheartened. I feel like a loser he keeps lugging around for God knows why. He’s joked around once about “why I can’t be as cool as my cousin”. I know that I shouldn’t take it personally. And that it’s just a joke. But he doesn’t understand how much I hate myself and jokes like that really push forward how sucky of a person I really am. Even if he didn’t mean it that way. Every joke tells a little bit of truth. For him to say that he must have actually thought that at one point. I just feel like he’s with the wrong person and should be with someone that suits his needs.
I know that being competitive has its positive merits in the sense that it will push me to be a better me. And I will try, but I need support. And honestly I don’t really have a great support system. So I’m just going to have to do it myself. I know I need to stop being a sore loser and suck it up. Winner’s don’t give up. If I ever want to consider myself a winner, then I have to keep trying to be better. I need to stop being so impatient. So long as I keep trying; I will eventually see the results that I want from myself and be the person I’ve always wanted to be.