I’m writing to you once again. The last time I wrote to you, I was ocean deep in feeling. I wanted nothing more but irrational romantic crazy love from you; that of course couldn’t be sustained. I realize now, that you were right all along. I let you go for the wrong reasons. I lost sight of why we got together in the first place – to balance each other out. I failed to see that it wasn’t just you that needed to change, it was me as well. And I constantly tried to bring you into my world – which you didn’t fit in. I wanted you to be a part of something that you couldn’t understand because it was foreign.
Call me over dramatic. Call me whatever you want to call me, but I admit completely, that I was wrong. I wanted you to be madly in love with me. I wanted you to feel as much as I felt. I wanted you to see the world in rose coloured glasses, and share an intimacy with you, that could last forever in my own world. You constantly brought me back to reality – and I hated you for it. I resented you for it, and I punished you for it. You were nothing but honest to me, and I saw it as an act of treachery. I felt attacked. I felt defenceless, and I felt like you did not love me for who I was, because I was everything you weren’t.
The problem with both of us – is where we retreat to. You’re an alien in my world, as I am to yours, but we both find solace in our own heads. I enjoy the romantic world I live in, and I’ve stayed there for years. You’re comfortable in your world, where things are as they are. I loved that about you, I still do. The error in my thinking, was that I thought I had to be exactly like you to be a better person. I need to be myself, but just take myself out of my head once in a while. To stop over thinking things, to put my feelings first, and logic second.
To have you around was great, because I felt like I could learn something, but my willingness to learn unfortunately, did not translate to a willingness to change.
I still don’t know where to go from here. Maybe I need some time alone, maybe we’re better off without each other. Maybe we were just meant to cross paths in order for me to learn this. The problem with it all, is I can only speak for myself. And like you taught me in relationships: there’s you, there’s me, and then, there’s us. And I wasn’t focussing on myself as much, because I was trying to focus on what I wanted us to be. I focussed on you because I wanted to be you, and wanted you to be me in return. I wanted all or nothing. And I know it makes no sense.
I don’t know how you tolerated me, despite knowing what an emotional rollercoaster I’ve been the past seven months, I’m sure as much as it hurt me, it must have put a strain on you. I know you don’t like being in your feelings, and you don’t like expressing how you feel as much. I know that you can be brutally honest to a fault with me, and that it hurts me, but in turn has helped me grow. I know what I said in the break up letter rang true to me, when I wrote it at the time; and I’m sure it’s strange that I’ve come to this realization in a matter of days.
Maybe I move to fast, or maybe reflecting my thoughts on paper has helped me to see the concepts in a visual sense, rather than a conceptual one. I value your time, and so I know it’s best that maybe we don’t get back together in the hopes that now that I see and understand it all, and that things will be different. I don’t think they will be. I can already see myself down the road going back to what I know, instead of wandering into the unknown. I see us going back in circles once again, with the problems I had in the past because at the end of the day, I still want those things.
I don’t know how I can have my cake and eat it too, but there has to be a reality where that happens. I mean, if I were to take that metaphor literally – in reality I really do get a cake, and I do eat it. It’s such a bad metaphor! I don’t even know why it’s popular. How can’t you have a cake and eat it too?
All I know is I’m still utterly confused. And I hate it, my mind is at a whirlwind, constantly tugging opposing feelings and thoughts at one another. I find myself lost in my thoughts so much, that writing things down has been the only thing to calm the storm. I have found so much clarity. I have found so many uncovered lies I’ve told myself. I know that I want to be with you, but it still may be for the wrong reasons. Maybe I’m not ready. Maybe we’re both not ready. I can’t speak for you of course, although you of all people know my habit of doing so.
I really miss you. Even as just someone to talk to. You became such a big part of my life in the past seven months, and I failed to consider how empty I’d feel without your presence. I hate it. Just knowing that I’ll never get to have you over at my place when no one is home, and just have you by my side when we watch movies together. Or have someone to go skating with at Nathan Phillips Square. No one to get lost with on a hiking trail, no one to go on adventures with me in the future. We had so many ideas and dreams that we didn’t get a chance to check off yet.
I knew in my heart when I broke up with you, that I wasn’t sure if I did the right thing or not. It was why I didn’t cry when I left you, nothing felt wrong. Everything was okay, I was just so confused. I still don’t completely know what I’m doing yet, and I’m sorry to put you through all this. At the end of the day, the idea I have of you in my head – is not the person I end up having in front of me. You on paper – ever so beautiful and charming, mysterious and intelligent. And even if every single one of the qualities I list of you are true, they never seem to pan out the way I expected.
And that’s where everything went crumbling down. I idealized you. I put you on a pedestal. I glorified you to being this perfect person for me, and when you didn’t measure up, I penalized you for it. And now I finally understand why you said everything you said to me. “Maybe it’s because you don’t like me” – I think you might be right, I really just liked the idea of you. You yourself, seemed to be someone I didn’t know.
What’s confusing to me is that our first three months, my expectations matched the reality. But I guess, like you’ve explained before, those expectations are unsustainable. And for us, it was only something that could last such a period of time. I’m such a child. You’d think at my age by now I’d have figured it out. You’d think by the amount of trials and tribulations I’ve had with failed relationships time and time again, that I would get it right this time.
I come across people I see as perfect all the time, because I’m constantly looking at the world through rose-coloured glasses. And you tried to bring me out of that world and showed me things for what they really were. Because you were right, no one is perfect. And you will never find the perfect person for you. You will always compromise certain things you’d want in a person for what you have in front of you instead. When you said it at the time, you used the word “settle”. And to me, it made me feel inferior to you.
I felt like I could never measure up to what your idealized dream girl was, and I was trying so hard to be that dream girl, that I stopped appreciating myself. We ended up going through a never ending cycle of conflict, because I knew I couldn’t measure up to your perfect person – and it made me so insecure. I felt like a failure. Even when you’d tell me otherwise that it was okay that I wasn’t perfect, it furthered my self-loathing and the cycle continued. So what if I’m not a 10/10 to you? Fuck, it fucking sucks, but it doesn’t mean that because I’m not perfect, I wasn’t at least close to being so. So what if I’m not exactly like you? You didn’t want that, you were with me because of who I am. You accepted me flaws and all, and I failed to do that with you. And I’m sorry that I did that. I don’t even know how to approach you on this. I don’t even know what I can say anymore to repair the damage.
The damage has been done. I know you told me that if I change my mind to breaking us up to let you know. I have no idea if that offer was time-sensitive. I hope it’s not too late. But if it is a time sensitive offer, then maybe I shouldn’t accept it. Maybe me constantly rushing to a decision, or rushing to find solutions to our problems, and quick fixing everything isn’t going to help us long term. Maybe I really do need to take the time to be myself and grow from it. I don’t know if you’d be willing to wait that long. I don’t know how long I’ll be. But what I do know, is I don’t want you to wait forever. It’s not fair to you. And maybe letting you go was for the best, because if I can’t get my shit together, we’ll be in this habitual cycle a long time.
Maybe we’ll reconcile, maybe we won’t. I don’t know what’s in store for you, me or us anymore. Maybe it’s kismet.