Expectations and Contradictions


The problem with me is, I want two polar opposite things at once. By this, I mean that I could want something like emotional support but simultaneously need cold hard facts.

How can I have both? If I have someone who emotionally supports me, it’s almost as if they feed into my addiction; I’m addicted to feeling immensely. And when I feel what I feel and have someone to support me with those feelings, it’s almost as if the world I put myself in becomes more real. Of course, in reality, that world doesn’t exist. It’s all in my head, a fantasy of some sort. A world where I am of utmost importance, and everything revolves around me. Shameful as it is to admit, I find myself in this world more often than the real world. Always hoping, wishing, dreaming, and feeling.

To have someone further fortify this world for me would of course be exactly what I want. By them doing so, it encourages me to continue being in this little world of mine, where every little thing is felt, and every small thing is stressed upon. And then of course, I find myself in a vicious cycle of despair where I want to get out of it, but somehow, I’m trapped. To have someone emotionally support me at my lowest times, and my highest highs, would be idealistic – and unrealistic. In order for me to break this cycle I need to reorient myself back into reality.

What I truly need is cold hard facts. It’s a hard pill to swallow. With any addiction, you find yourself wanting to stray away from treatment, you resist it. You loathe it – but you know you need it. I need reality checks. I need the cold hard truth. I need to understand that being in my own little world will not solve the issues at hand, and constantly finding refuge in that world will not help me grow.  Knowledge is power – ignorance is bliss. To not have known the situation I have put myself in, allowed me to create a blissful world where everything was romantic and beautiful. When in reality, life is not like that.

In my dream world – I’m sure I’d love to be lied to. I pride myself in wanting someone with honesty – but of course again, I find myself expecting honesty but also wanting to be lied to. How can that be? Why do I have such contradictory feelings? I want to be told cold hard facts, but when they take me away from my own world into the one I truly am in, I find myself resenting them for it. It’s almost as if I don’t want to face the truth I seek. I want the truth, but can’t handle the truth, so I reject it. I reject the cold hard facts to suit my feelings instead. I literally put myself back into my cesspool of despair and darkness: and there is no one to blame but myself – I made that choice.

I’ve learned that sometimes lying can be good, which in itself seems contradictory, but of course makes sense because so many people want their fantasies fulfilled. Being religious requires you to believe in something that may or may not exist. The cost is, of course that what you believe in may not even be ‘real’, but the gain is whatever you make of it. People find solace in religion. To seek spirituality brings out a part of them they enjoy. With the constant rapid evolution of science and discovery, a lot of the things that were answered by religion at one point, could now be answered by science. So many people, including myself have parted ways from religion towards a more realistic approach on life. The sun does not rise and set by God’s will, it does because of the way Earth rotates around the sun. But that doesn’t change the fact that even if someone like myself – does not consider religion to be useful in my life, that it may be useful to others. And then their world is created. To break them from that world they live in hurts. 

Just like how a religious person feels about their world, is exactly how I feel about my own. To be stripped away of everything I valued, loved, believed in – towards a more realistic and truthful approach, hurt. And I was a little bitch about it. I was kicking and screaming and denying the truth in order to continue living in my little contradictory fantasy. No I don’t believe in God but I believe in love, and really at the end of the day, what is it other than a chemical combination of oxytocin, vasopressin, and dopamine?

I know that ultimately what I want in my life is Balance. The concept of Ying and Yang has always been important to me. But I realize now, that this philosophy of achieving balance creates contradictions. To be both selfish and selfless. To be both emotional and realistic. To be a balance of both is so hard to maintain, but on paper seems so attractive.

I wanted someone to balance me out. I thought that was the solution. I constantly gravitated towards people that weren’t like me to seek different perspectives, to see things in a different light.

As an Extrovert, I find myself constantly attracted to the mysterious, quiet, charming introvert.

As an Intuitive, I find myself learning and understanding why someone may find refuge in traditions and fortified facts. Seeing things for what they are instead of what they may be, they don’t fly off into their own little world as often as I do, they don’t dream as much – and in a way, it must be so comforting.

As a Feeler, to be around someone logical versus someone just as emotional as I am, gave me the reality check I needed, but in doing so, I end up not receiving any emotional support while I fight to accept the truth for what it is.

As a Prospective, to be around people who thoroughly have plans they’re able to sustain and achieve is something I need to learn quickly. I am constantly in a state of indecisiveness where every option seems plausible, and every decision comes with closing a door that I may not want to close.

Having someone opposite of me, would theoretically balance me out. Or so I thought. In a way, I still find this to be true. The problem with it is, both parties need to be willing to want to achieve such a ‘balance’. And wanting something is not the same as being willing to do something. And that’s what my problem is. I want to be a better person, but I’m not willing to make the changes in order to do so. I keep retreating back into the world I’m comfortable in, instead of going into a confusing abyss that I may not be able to get out of. Of course it makes sense why the willingness isn’t there. Who in their right mind would take themselves out of their comfort zone to deliberately be uncomfortable?

And of course we’re not thinking long term when we think this way, we’re thinking about the immediate effects. And just like any treatment to an addiction, it’s a strenuous, painful process. I can only hope that my awareness of this enlightens me to realize that the only person that can change me is myself, and I cannot depend on anyone to force me to do so. They can be there to guide me, but ultimately I’m responsible for who I want to be, no one else.





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