Red Flags

I woke up with a sick feeling in my stomach. The conversation I had with him on Saturday night basically set the tone. And it sucks, because we did have a good week. It was really nice, but here’s the thing – it was just one nice week –and we still managed to have a big disagreement on our last leg of the week.

How often are we going to have ‘disagreements’? How often are we going to ‘argue’ about things? Do I really want to fight with someone 52 times a year? Is it even worth it? But are the things he says or does enough to cause alarm or even to fight? Are these fights necessary? Is my voice being heard? Am I in the wrong here? Honestly it’s a combination of a lot of things, so I mean sometimes there’s cases where it didn’t or doesn’t have to be a fight.

I’m not okay. That’s the truth; and maybe mentally I’m not okay to be in a relationship if I can’t even trust him for certain things. Yes that cake his coworker gave him was for him and some other people but the cake didn’t have anyone’s names on it –it just said “Fine, Go.”. And it was cute and funny and sweet. And instead of being happy for him that he had a good group of work friends who were also girls, I was jealous, upset and started a fight about it. It honestly just makes me wonder what he does at work– and I guess it’s because I used to work with him back when he was in high school, and he just flirted with anyone that flirted with him. And seeing how “oblivious” he is to people liking him, he probably does flirt with these girls at his workplace now. But then… what’s wrong with flirting? It’s harmless. I flirt at the bar to make money, I do nothing further than that and I know myself enough to know that I’m faithful and I’d never cheat on my partner. Why can’t I trust him the same way?

For him to say they (his work girlfriends) facetime—FACETIME. Multiple times a week? Does he say that just to make me feel jealous? Does he win because it does make me jealous? He did give the disclaimer that he did not want to tell me this information since he knows it will make me upset for no reason, and he doesn’t like doing that. I forced it out of him knowing that disclaimer –AND I did get hurt by it. So is this my own doing? Also he’s face-timing them, we’re not even together— so is that really a big deal? Is it wrong that he has friends who are willing to do that, but I don’t? No it’s not — my friends are just different, and his friends are different- so what’s the problem? He doesn’t like texting, he likes facetiming I guess… he used to do that with me after work. While he’s at work I guess it makes sense to talk to his co-workers that aren’t even in his department anymore, because they’re more interesting and fun to talk to rather than me. I’m not someone he’d want to talk to because he’s always in a rush to get off the phone with me whenever I would call during hours. Again, things are different now because he works from home, so he probably feels more free talking to friends he actually liked at work. So what the fuck is my problem then?

I have my own issues I need to deal with, and maybe being with someone like him isn’t a good idea for me. I’m the problem, I just don’t like it –and that makes me a possessive/obsessive person – which I don’t want to be. He should be able to do what he wants– he’s never not been faithful with me… but now I really don’t know. Is the line of “faithful” to “unfaithful” really the point where someone fucks another person? Is that where the line is drawn between the two? Or can it start earlier?

I think one of the MOST unsettling thing about the week I had with him, was that I first felt compelled to tell him the drama about my cousin — I guess because he works with her, she got him the job, and she’s….the most entertaining cousin I have. She lives and leads quite the eccentric life so it was just someone or something to talk about with him I guess. I’m not going to lie, she makes me feel insecure. (One of my friends in particular told me yesterday that she thinks it’s funny that this cousin of mine got all this work done, and I still look better than her… it did make me feel better at the time, but who really cares about natural beauty these days? It’s the fake ones that make the most money, attract the most attention towards them, and they get their way regardless.) I know a lot of guys are into her, she can get any guy she wants, and even the simple fact that his own brother is into her, it’s practically genetic that he’d be into her too if the tables were turned. I remember mentioning her on our “first date” on Monday last week. And he felt such a huge urge to talk to her. He kept saying “Oh man I gotta talk to her about this, but it’s probably too late now” “Oh I wish I could talk to her so I could have helped her make the smarter decision” “Oh I wish I could have talked to her before all of this” “Oh I gotta talk to her damn”.

And I’m pretty sure we brought her up again near the end of the week and he was convinced that he could get her to listen to him – to hear him out. First of all — is she your girlfriend? No she’s not she’s your (now ex) girlfriend’s cousin. Second of all — why do you feel so compelled to talk to her and change her? Is that your job? Is she your girl to be doing that with? Third of all – when you guys did talk how deep were the talks? She’s a pretty open book, and loves to talk about herself, but you sure love to listen to her.

To be honest I feel like it’s a double whammy because I don’t 100% trust her, nor do I 100% trust him. I know she tells the truth when she says she’s not into him, and that she doesn’t think he’s right for me – but why does she think that? Does she like him? She thought he was a nice guy – but thought he was a tad controlling – which yeah obviously he can be. He tries to control me (he’ll call them “strong suggestions”) and my actions and tries to do the same to her because he thinks “she’ll listen”. He thinks “he can get to her” that he “can change her” but why he feels so compelled to do so is beyond me. It’s bad because I literally get nightmares of them sleeping together in the office, or fucking in the office utility closet or something. Again, these are toxic thoughts in my head that haven’t been proven, nor can they ever be proven, they just cause harm to my relationship with him because of my own insecurities – it’s not okay. 

If he wants to talk to my cousin so badly, I didn’t stop him. I gave him the choice to un-follow her because I knew they had their own friendship at work and I wasn’t trying to make it completely awkward. If they wanna talk go for it.

Out of everyone he chose to be “close with” he picked the most unstable family member to “bond” with. He’s worked with my sister and brother before – did he ever try talking to them? Reaching out to them for gift ideas or advice? No. He never did. The people who would truly go through thick and thin for me – unlike this cousin.

So— okay; he’s got a group of co-worker friends that for whatever reason I don’t feel good about– but I understand these are completely insecure and irrational feelings. Which is not fair to him because he deserves to be happy, he should feel free to talk to who he wants to, and have the ability to have whatever friends he wants to have. Who he chooses to spend his time with is his own personal preference. I don’t live every minute of everyday with him, and his friends are a part of his individuality. If I am unable to accept this fact – then I cannot be in a relationship with him or with anyone for that matter. 

Red flag: him feeling compelled to speak to my cousin — him wanting so badly to meddle into her life and offer his intelligent advice and recommendations. He wants to share his ideas with her so badly. Once he’s with me again, I’m sure they’ll both feel compelled to talk to each other again “for effort’s sake right”? Yeah no fuck that. If he wants my cousin so badly, why does he have to go through me? Just skip the line and go straight to where your heart’s telling you to go buddy.

Red flag: Initially wanting to bring up something, basically does – changes his mind about it and then ends up telling me with just a little probing about it. He does want me to feel a little jealous and insecure. He wants me to feel like I could lose him too. Him saying “If you don’t want me, I don’t want you”. I’m not afraid of that anymore, he’s already gone. So what else do I have to lose?

Red flag: no one changes that quickly. The fact that he suddenly feels like he’s changed and that everything will be different concerns me. We dated 3.5 years. And in those years, he refused to want to do any of those things, he didn’t care how I felt about it until I actually left. Should I have left sooner then? Will I have to keep leaving in the future to get what I want? Is that how this relationship will work? Or is the only way it can work this constant struggle for power over one another? I have the “upper hand” now as I’m the one making the decision to take him back or not. When (not if, because he will) he breaks up with me, he “has the upper hand” to take me back. And he’s broken up with me way more times than I have with him. This was my first and only time really leaving him. He was so inconsistent with me. He was so up and down and confused about wanting to be with me or not. I can’t trust that he’ll suddenly be consistent now… It’s just not something I have the capacity to do anymore.

Red flag: he argued about being supportive. He told me that telling my parents was my own battle. He later agreed after much deliberation that he would be there – but it was an unnecessary argument to even have with your partner in the first place. Why even for a moment, even semantically not say you’ll be there every step of the way? It was just stupid. I even cried. The fact that he just gets my emotions worked up to a point of tears within a week of us talking/seeing each other again- is alarming to me.

Red flag: Started off saying he would respect my wishes and my space, while also strongly encouraging me to come over and go back to “normal” all over again, go back to the way things used to be. Thereby indicating that nothing’s really going to change we’re going back to familiarity and comfort.

Red flag: he made plans to see me, to spend time with me, to finish up a movie we were watching together, and despite me asking PRIOR to him making these plans with me — if he wanted to/ or had plans with his friends – him saying no & that he didn’t care, until there was a potential plan actually being made that he was willing to flake on this plan with me for. Like it’s just funny how it works cause he’ll make plans with me, come see me and when something “better” comes along he’ll go do that –because I’m just going to be there always right? I’m not going anywhere? I’ll always be here so what’s the big deal? 🙂 fuck that shit. If I’m not valued as a person, if I’m not deemed as important or as urgent as those people then go be with them, why even be in a relationship then. If you guys had prior commitments, or plans, by all means do that – but DO NOT double book me into a situation like that, if you’ve committed to plans with me, and have already gotten to the point where we’re together bringing these plans to life then… I don’t see why you bother.

Red flag: He signed up for counselling just because I put a condition on it; — and for his own reasons struggles with the idea to be honest about us, our problems, our issues, his own issues. For whatever reason he’s still in a mindset that he’s capable of solving all of these things himself, when the reality is he’s struggled with all of this and even problems with our relationship for years. We’d both benefit from counseling, and for him to think that he’s fine without it is concerning considering what we’ve been through.

MAJOR RED FLAG: He went from being really remorseful, full of regret, genuine, scared to lose me last Friday to Monday when he saw me; but towards the end of the week he kept saying “we weren’t that bad” “things weren’t that bad” “I wasn’t that bad” “this relationship wasn’t that bad”. I honestly thought he finally acknowledged the problems we had in the beginning of the week, which gave me hope. It’s funny how much he was able to show within a week, didn’t take very long to bring out his true colors, and intentions. By him reverting back to “things weren’t that bad” suggests that going back to him means going back to the way things were, with nothing really changing.

Again, I’m fully aware things can’t change quickly. You can’t show everything in a short period of time. But him and I have history, we have patterns of events over the course of 3 and a half years, we have data gathered about each other, we have patterned actions, patterned solutions, patterned fights. And no one’s saying these patterns were consistent – each time things were a little different. It’s no less a pattern.

We cannot undermine the length of time we have already spent together. Especially being that it is both the longest relationship him and I have ever been in with a single person. That is a long time. That’s almost the length of an average time it takes to complete a degree, that’s almost the length of what it should take to finish high school. Almost 4 years we spent together, and where did it take us? What did we learn from it? What can and will change from it? What’s good about it?

He’s a logical data guy,  he’s definitely capable of taking the data we have about each other and realize that there were real deep rooted issues between us. Love and gifts can’t carry a relationship. You need more than love and gifts. You need support, friendship, value, respect, care. I know he cares about me, he does try to show that, he does try to take interest in things I want to show him. He did spend time with me doing things he wouldn’t usually do. He didn’t care how late we stayed out, but I can’t say that just because he did it this week that it will last a lifetime. I went into a 3.5 year relationship expecting a lifetime of love and care and joy, he broke me many times during that period, so I really don’t think it’s a fair expectation to believe in permanence with him moving forward. And how will he ever be able to prove it? Is he even willing to do that for whatever length of time it takes?

He is a very sweet guy; the little things he did shouldn’t go unnoticed and they are things I love; him trying to keep me safe, making sure that if I’m hungry that he’ll take care of us, the gifts he bought were practical, useful and thoughtful. He was very sweet and humble about them. The time he spent with me was not just a quick hour here and there, things weren’t rushed, he truly did value the time we had together, and wanted it more than he wanted anything else. Despite my doubts and fears about him – being with him in person is the most comforting thing I experienced, it takes all of that away.

Maybe if he did more and said less it would get him out of a lot of trouble. It’s usually the things he says, the promises he makes, or the things he argues that get him into all of these issues. Because they don’t add up. He says a lot of good things, a lot of bad things, and the actions of all of them just don’t add up at all. Everything just “feels wrong” that’s what my gut’s telling me. It’s unsettling to think that my friends and family will support me through anything and everything– but the fact that they continuously discourage me from this relationship scares me.

I saw something really eye-opening on Instagram last night. My sister’s friend who’s ex blatantly cheated on her, didn’t admit to it- and was just a bucket of lies and treated her like shit during the entire process… made a video with her where she said “I love and appreciate you J**on” and he went after her and said “Shout out to all you haters against me, I’m not going to name any names but you know who you are, this is to you “I’m still here baby””… and honestly.. seeing that makes me feel like I can see clear as day that he knows exactly what he’s doing, he got his way, and she’s allowing herself to be in a relationship where things like this can and will continue. I can’t do anything to stop her, but it looks like a train wreck about to happen, but we gotta support her because this is her choice right? If he was an abusive person, would we still let her do this? Yeah it’s just cheating – does that make it any better? The fact that he’s SO PROUD of himself for still being around despite what he did, it was just disgusting to see. Like he’s a really good looking guy, charming, sweet even— so I mean he’s not all bad, I know that. But much like my own situation with my ex, seeing that video made her look like a fool – it’s clear as day that this thing is foolish, and she posted it on every social media account I have her on. Did he make her do that? Was it necessary for all of us to know the deal? Does she value and love herself enough to know that this is not okay?

Do I love and value myself enough to know that I wouldn’t want that? Am I willingly doing that going back to an ex that isn’t too far off from J**on? Like yeah he’s not a cheater, but he’s definitely manipulative, and definitely has unrealized feelings towards my cousin that he probably needs to look deep inside and figure out because I’m not going back to shit like that.

Last week with him was eye-opening to say the least. Taking this week to really reflect and think about what I want to talk to my counselor about is something I’m looking forward to now, because I’m feeling a little crazy and I think I need professional advice as to whether I am in a toxic relationship… or if I’m just making it out to be toxic when it’s normal… or if I’m just someone who shouldn’t be in a relationship PERIOD.


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