Last night you asked me how I’ve been feeling since we got back together. The fact that you even asked shows me how much you’ve been trying. I love that you wanted to know how we’ve been doing. It’s been a solid two weeks since we decided to try again.
I couldn’t be happier that we did. My anxiety about us is gone. I don’t feel insecure. I feel serene. I don’t feel like I’m soaring in the air, or that any of this is a dream. It’s real this time.
I remember when we first got together in the summer, I used to write about you in my journal. I remember particularly how unreal everything felt between us. I couldn’t believe it. It really did feel like I was dreaming because we happened out of nowhere. It was unexpected, and I was on cloud nine. I was so happy and excited, I had butterflies in my stomach whenever I’d think of you. I fantasized about you constantly. I think I would dream about you more than I’d actually see you.
I’m not dreaming anymore. And I feel like that’s probably the best thing that’s happened to us since we reconciled. Like I’ve written in my previous letters to you, my perceptions, expectations, dreams, and my thoughts; took up more of my relationship with you those past few months, than what we really had. And it just feels so good to know that I finally have someone that stuck around through the storm in my head and gave me clarity.
I wanted to thank you for that.
I’ve finally been able to let some of my walls down. I never had a reason not to trust you, but somehow the walls I built up around me never really let me trust you to begin with. I didn’t trust that you’d stick around. I didn’t think that anyone, including yourself, would want to endure that storm for as long as you did. But you did, and you taught me something I never learned before. You showed me what it means to love someone. And for the longest time I never knew what that felt like. I thought I was experienced, I thought I knew everything I needed to know about relationships, and what men want, and what I want, and how to work through things. But I’ve never come this far with someone before.
I’ve never been in a relationship with someone who actually still wanted me after seeing me at my lowest point. I felt so ashamed. And despite how ashamed I am of how I was towards you, you never made me feel ashamed for feeling that way. You’ve never put me down for having those thoughts. And you haven’t shoved it in my face after the fact like a big “I told you so”.
I know one of our arguments was that I’m just too emotional, that I feel everything all the time, and that you choose not to be that way because feelings can skew your thinking, and you can’t always trust them because they fluctuate so frequently. I completely agree with you, but I couldn’t hold back the feelings I had for you, there were too many of them and they were all so strong, and me trying to hold them back was trying to hold back a water fall with a pile of sticks – impossible! And then you told me that you realized that feelings are more important than you thought.
That they make you do things you wouldn’t otherwise do. Like getting back together with me. I remember you telling me how infuriated you were when I broke up with you, how your entire body was shaking when you read my letters, and how misunderstood you felt at the time. With that being said, you told me that if you weren’t so angry, it wouldn’t have pushed you to do anything about the situation.
That sometimes, emotions drive you to do things you wouldn’t logically do.
If you completely voided yourself of feeling (which I assumed you would do at the time), we weren’t going to get back together unless I chose to do so, because logically you would’ve seen it as – “she doesn’t want to be with me anymore, therefore there’s no need to argue” – but I guess your feelings spoke in a different volume than logic.
I wanted to thank you for giving us another chance. I truly thought it was over, I didn’t think we’d come back so quickly, but I just feel so at ease now. I don’t worry anymore.
The weirdest part for me is how relaxed I feel. All the noise in my head is dulled. All the sense of rush is gone. It’s so blissful honestly. And just knowing that I have you by my side no matter what feels amazing. I know that I don’t need to be in a relationship to be happy, but you amplify happiness for me. I know that I could handle being alone if need be, but I don’t want to be, I like being with you. I can’t recall ever feeling like this other than in my first relationship that I’ve ever had, and that too is an estimate because I can’t even remember what I felt over 10 years ago.
You took a risk with me, you trusted me, you confided in me, you’ve done things for me that you’d never do for others, you’ve become my best friend. I love you. And I never want to let you go like that again. I never thought we’d get here. I never thought that I’d get over that hump and still be with someone that I loved. I’ve never made it this far in a relationship before, but it just feels different than what I expected.
Of course this goes without being said, but I can’t be certain that both of us will continue to feel this way forever. Forever is such an ambiguous time, and I obviously have learned now that we just gotta take things one day at a time – as they come. And you’ve taught me that, and it’s honestly made things so much easier when I think of it that way. All I know for certain is right now, at this moment, I love you, I want to be with you, and I’m happy that things turned out the way that they did.
I’m going to do my best to keep growing, and improving, and being the best person that I can be, and I hope that our relationship does the same. I’m not trying to be cheesy, or mushy and I’m not trying to make you cringe either, I know that this is a super romantically filled letter with lots of love and feelings, but I mean, I gotta get it out somehow! Whether the feelings are anger, sadness, happiness, whatever the case, I’m just glad we both made the decision to be together, and I just hope things keep going up from here. I hope we keep our promise to keep each other growing. I hope to continue learning from you – and you from me.
So here’s to you, me and us.