Memories, Personal

Guilt.

I’m so frustrated right now that I could gauge my eyes out. I’m burning with anger, and it might also be a touch of hunger. I’m sad. I’m annoyed. I want to cry from how many negative emotions I’m feeling but most of all I feel guilt. The worst feeling of all. The kind that makes my stomach churn acid into something sickly. Makes my lungs feel heavy. I hate it.

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Memories, Personal

Sunday at the Beach

It’s confusing. I try not think about it too much because sometimes thinking about it makes me dizzy. I go in circles and circles trying to figure out what’s going on, and eventually, I get tired of it and just enjoy it instead. I don’t want to understand it anymore, or try to think about what he’s thinking about, or what he wants from me, or what his intentions are, or why he does what he does, I can’t keep asking, and I can’t keep thinking, I just have to remind myself to enjoy it for what it is.

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Memories, Personal

Frustration

Thursday night. Woke up at 7:45am because I overslept. Went for a short jog. Just worked 10am-3pm at the clinic, 4pm-8:30pm at the bank. Rushed in between both shifts to travel between both of them and change in attempt to look decent for the latter job. Did relatively well in both. Came home to find a whole bunch of chores still unfinished. I didn’t even want to come home. I’m out of k___. I have no where to go. Don’t feel like hitting up anyone. I’m just drained. The bank always takes a piece out of me and I always leave feeling absolutely miserable. My usual link didn’t reply – his mother in law did though. I’m not desperate enough to grab from her and be chinced. My other buddy wasn’t replying. Guess it’s just not meant to be. Poured myself 4 shots of Apple Crown in attempt to enjoy this utterly sad night. I’m home alone with my mom. We’re still not talking. I suppose now is a good time as any to talk to her but I really really am in no mood to do so. Nor do I have the drive. I didn’t even want to be home. I’ve been home every single day diligently for the past 2 weeks. I’m not sure if that’s what’s taking a toll on me or what.ย  Continue reading

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Memories, Personal

Things I wanted to do with youย 

  • Let him watch my family dynamics ๐Ÿ‘ช
  • Watch Interstella 5555
  • Go to Dundas peak together Fall/Summer ๐Ÿ๐Ÿ‚
  • Go camping โ›บ๐Ÿ•
  • Get me to climax ๐Ÿ˜ญ๐Ÿ˜‚๐Ÿ‘Œ๐Ÿ˜‚
  • Buy some sunglasses ๐Ÿ˜Ž
  • Hopper Hut ๐ŸŒถ
  • Watch Chefs Table ๐Ÿ’ป
  • Learning to cook fine cuisine ๐Ÿฝ
  • Go to Montreal
  • Going out of the country (anywhere together)ย 
  • Watch all of Stanley Kubrick’s Films together 5/16 ๐ŸŽฌ
  • Go to a Frank Ocean concert ๐Ÿ™
  • Go to a Travis Scott concert ๐Ÿค˜
  • Go to a Danny Brown concert ๐Ÿ–•
  • Go to a Kendrick Lamar concert ๐Ÿ
  • Go on a road trip together ๐Ÿš˜
  • Go see a Drive In movie ๐ŸŽฅ
  • Go to Webster Falls ๐Ÿž
  • Go to Albion Falls ๐Ÿž
  • Go to the ROM ๐Ÿ”
  • Save up for a plane ticket โœˆ
  • Make him a smoothie ๐ŸŒ๐Ÿ๐Ÿ‰
  • Candip Volunteer opportunitiesย 
  • Go to PAMA ๐Ÿ”
  • Go to British Colombia together๐Ÿ—ป
  • Go to uncle tetsu’s Japanese cheesecake ๐Ÿฎ
  • Go swimming ๐Ÿฌ๐ŸŠ
  • Learn French 1/2 ๐Ÿ—ผ
  • Devils punch bowl in Hamilton ๐Ÿž
  • Have a threesome ๐Ÿ˜
  • Make a sex tape๐Ÿ˜ˆ
  • Go on shrooms ๐Ÿ„
  • Kortright Centre for Conservation in the Summer/Fall

But like you said, I can just do all these things with someone else. Doesn’t change the fact that I wanted to do them with you. But what’s done is done. I have to move on.

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