Nervous Anticipation

We’re going to talk. It’s been a week of silence and pain. We were supposed to go to Coachella together, signed up for the pre-sale together, and I got notified the same time he did about it. I didn’t get my tickets because he went on a break with me before the pre-sale happened. Tried to respect his wishes and not contact him. And it just hurt me so badly that he went and got the tickets anyway, posted it on social media, with no regard of our plan together. Not even the decency to let me know that he may or may not be taking someone – literally nothing.

I’m honestly so scared and nervous to open this whole can of worms with him. I’m feeling a whirlwind of emotions that I know I have to hold back. I have to be calm. I have to be collected, I have to hear him out. I feel like based on what he tells me about this will really determine if any of this was worth it in the end.

Today’s going to be the day. The day I find out whether this was worth 3 years of waiting to tell my parents – to finally tell them and be on this break not even a week after. To finally just be going through all of this on my own when I needed him most. He left me behind, he makes me feel invisible, he makes me feel like he doesn’t give a fuck about me at all. Why do I need someone like this? Why do I love someone like this? Do I even love him anymore? I really don’t know anymore I’m just so confused.

I feel mistreated, and I know I’m not innocent, I’ve mistreated him too. I’ve treated him the way my mom treats me and that alone to me is just disgusting. I am disgusted at what I did to him, but can we move from it? Can we still do this? Is it too late?

Resetting.

Here we are. New year. New Decade.

Something for some reason so many people put so much importance on. It’s almost as if the new year rings in a virtual “reset” button for everyone. A chance to be different. A chance to do things differently, a chance to make a change. Seems like no matter where you turn, someone’s talking about their new years resolutions, or trying to start something new for themselves. It’s nice to be around that energy sometimes.

I guess we all know why I’m back here writing again. The depression/anxiety has kicked in

Best Day in the World!

Hi Baby,

I just wanted to wish you the happiest birthday ever. You mean so much to me, and despite our (or my) fusses and fights with you, I just want you to know that. I know I get so upset and emotional sometimes, but it’s just because I love you with my whole heart and sometimes I feel like I’m taken for granted. Over the past 3 years, you’ve really taught me what it means to love someone and work through a relationship. To never give up and to keep trying if it’s worthwhile. No matter how many arguments or fights we’ve had, I’ve always felt that the good always outweighed the bad. I really love you. I know you’re the one for me, I know I want to spend the rest of my life with you, but sometimes my fusses and fights really come from a genuine place. I don’t mean to come off entitled or rude or mean, but I just hope that someday you really will appreciate the love I have for you. And until then I can’t keep trying to control it or tell you about it.

 

Ever since I met you I always felt a connection towards you. Literally the minute we locked eyes at Swiss Chalet, it really did feel like love at first sight. I couldn’t believe how cute you were, and on top of that you were sweet, polite, kind to everyone, and funny! You had such great taste in music, you always gave me the most greatest hugs ever, I always felt the most purest form of love with you. I still do to this day, even when you make love to me, but like really make love to me, I feel it. I feel it throughout my entire body, mind and soul. I’m always craving that. I’m always craving that affection from you cause the love you give is soooo addictive. I can’t get enough. Even the week before the Kanye concert when we had our mini Starbucks date, just walking around Trinity and talking with you to catch up, was so nice and genuine. I didn’t expect us to hang out for that long, but I’m so grateful that we did! Bumping into Troy and Sabrina that day too was really cute ahah! The Kanye concert will forever be the greatest date of all time. And then to top it off, the hike to forks of the credit on acid, I’ve never felt more safe with someone like you. I’ve never felt so comfortable with someone. I have so many horrible flaws about myself, one of them being that I just can’t trust people (men in particular), and don’t get me wrong, I don’t completely trust you, but to know that I trust you enough to do the things we do together is a lot for me.

 

To have a 3 year commitment with someone, is something I never thought I would achieve. Usually I get bored and want to move on, but it’s never been a dull moment with you! I know you think you’re boring, but I always have so much fun when we do things together. I know that I complain about the fact that we hang out at home too much, but it’s only because again, I feel like because you see me so often you take the time we have together for granted. But honestly I’m a dynamic human being just like everyone else; I can both love and complain about the fact that we always hang out at home. No matter what, I always have a great time at your home. I love your family, I love Shadow, I love you. Your parents are some of the most kind-hearted and understanding people I have ever met, and I think if you waited to introduce me any later I don’t think we would have lasted LMAO (just kidding). Your siblings are great, and I’m so thankful that I get along with them. I love your friends too! They’re such a great bunch and I enjoy spending time with them and hanging out with them. You meet a lot of great people and I’m glad you have them in your lives.

 

I love everything that surrounds you. Your music tastes, your interests in pop culture, technology, food, life, travel, anime. I’ve learned so much from you and I still keep learning more and more. I can only hope that you can say the same things about me, but I guess lately the longer I’ve been dating you, the less I’ve known “me”. I know that’s something I need to work on. I guess I just consume myself with you so much that I forget who I am in the process. I love the things we have in common, and I think our differences keeps things spicy. I’m pretty sure since you’ve met me, you’ve tried more food than you ever thought you’d be open to! And I’m so happy for it. I love trying new things with you! Remember when we went to that German restaurant?! Ugh I just love that you appreciate art too. I feel like it’s something I really can’t do with many people. Not enough people genuinely spend time and effort consuming music, visual arts, dance, film, culture the way you and I do. And I think our appreciation for it is what makes us such a great couple. I never want to lose that. I love art. It’s always been a big part of me, and I think love is an art too. You’re art to me.

 

Life is so much more beautiful with you around. More often than not, I’m always happy being around you. You’ve saved me a thousand times over through all my mental breakdowns. You’ve been there for so many of my tears and sadness. I don’t think I’ve ever been this vulnerable with someone in my life. And I know you think I’m evil for saying this, and as much as it broke my heart to see that photo, that day when you cried meant so much to me. It meant that you could be vulnerable with me too. I know it was just one time, but nonetheless just know that’s what I want. I want raw, vulnerable, genuine, pure love from you. Cause that’s all I have for you. And I can’t love myself the way I love you. I thought about it. How could I possibly orchestrate surprises for myself the way I do with you? I genuinely enjoy seeing you happy. I enjoy showing you the love and affection I have for you, your happiness is my happiness. You always say that to me, but I think I really walk the talk about that. I always do whatever I can to make you happy. Simple pleasures like massages, and rubs, and cuddles. I’ll sometimes pay for the bill just to treat you, I never miss a heartbeat with you, I follow up, and I care deeply about you, I never forget important things about you. I always keep tabs on you, I take care of you, I know your favourite things, I keep track of what you need and what your wants are. In all honestly, all the things I do are the bare minimum you do for a partner, and quite frankly, you don’t. All that I ask is that you be a better lover towards me (i.e. not taking me for granted, or taking advantage of the love I give you, or make excuses that I need to lower my expectations), or lose me…

 

Questioning my decisions

Lately I’ve been questioning my feelings for my boyfriend. Of course it happens conveniently when I’m done school and have more time to think about it but maybe it’s important that I do. I’ve spoke to a couple of friends about the issues I’ve been trying to overcome whether small or large may be subjective to the perceiver, however I hoped that talking to someone other than my boyfriend about it would be helpful.

Transitioning

I’m finally at the point I’ve been waiting for.

I am finally done my undergrad. I finished strong, I got the grades I aimed for and more, I got the average I needed to pursue a masters in the future.

Now there’s just everything else.

Just had to get it out

Last night my boyfriend and I were hanging out in his room looking at old pictures of him. Stories were attached to some of the photos, and as I listened I fell more and more in love with him.

I took vyvanse to help me focus and write my paper, turns out I managed to distract myself while on it. I was productive for a short while but got sidetracked a lot.

The night before I hung out with a friend of mine. A childhood friend if you will, we recently rekindled our friendship, the flame’s still going I suppose I feel pretty good about it. But when we hung out last night, she helped me realize a part of me that I had let go. It took awhile for me to understand the feelings I felt about it and to finally accept that I let it go for a reason, and it’s not the end of the world.

She was talking about her goals and dreams of who she would have loved to pursue and become. She talked about her travel bug and how she wanted to make sure she did it all before she committed to school and started working full-time. And honestly, I’m jealous because it’s such a smart idea.

[Day 21] The Last Day

So I’ve barely managed to keep this challenge going. A lot of the time I did forget to end my day on a good note and would just fall asleep.

To end this day I’ll say this

• I was told by my group in class that I was a leader
• I took a nap today
• Had an awesome breakfast
• Tried a new shawarma place
• Kept my cool with my mom
• Practiced patience

I think today was a great way to end the challenge. I found myself always ready to write something negative or even say something negative but the whole idea was to focus on the positive. I don’t think I’ve improved in mentality. But what I can say is I haven’t got into any fights with my significant other, I’ve been able to help others, and despite being stressed and angry forcing myself to focus on the positives of every single day was nice.

I think this challenge was a nice way to practice positivity.

Would I continue? No

Why? No good reason other than just coming on here every day to write something. No it’s not that time consuming, and no it wasn’t hard to do. I can’t defend why I don’t want to do this anymore other than the fact that at the end of my days I’m just so tired.

Grateful to be alive though if I were to end this on a positive note

[Day 20]

• Spent time with an old friend
• Hung out at my house
• Talked and got high
• Listened to music
• Made a cool new sandwich
• Boyfriend came over and joined us
• They got along well and we all had a great time
• Dropped my friend home cause she had to leave but when I came back my boyfriend was waiting for me and we had the GREATEST sex session
• So good that we both fell asleep and passed out
• He left at 1am.
• I love him ❤

[Day 19]

• Spent a short time with my sister
• Spent time with my baby
• Went to my baby’s game and they won a double header which was great
• Had a great time at the game
• Slept over at my baby’s place

[Day 18]

• Mom made her famous tea
• Went to work