Freelance

No Happy Ending

Yesterday was sad. I didn’t get the ending I was hoping for, the one I was rooting for, for years. The one I wanted so badly to be with him. And since he reads my blog posts it’s even worse that he knows what I want and at one point was willing to change and be someone better.

We didn’t want to leave each other. I felt sad to leave. But then a part of me felt like he didn’t respect me. Which made no sense. We’ve been exes for months, but now all of a sudden I’m an ex who can just be taken advantage of. Unless I “spoke up”

That didn’t feel good at all. He must have fallen out of love with me months and months ago for him to just treat someone like that. It sucks. What makes me sad is why do I still feel bad for leaving? He made it easy. He chose not to keep his promises, he talked out of his ass last week telling me he’ll change and things will be different. And I was a fool for actually considering it.

We literally talked in circles for hours. We both realized we can’t be together and yet still didn’t want to leave each other. Made no sense. I’ve already ruined my “reputation” with some or most of his friends, but ultimately they’re his friends, not mine so I shouldn’t care. I’ll be forgotten when the next girl comes around, and I don’t want to be in touch with any of them when it happens.

I don’t need to see him moving on. I don’t need to see how he’s moving. We’ve unfollowed each other from social media for months now, and I’m still the only one who gives open and honest information despite that. He still gets more insight to my life and my mind than I would ever get from him

It just sucks because he had the opportunity to change this whole situation around. He knew how I felt because he read my blog posts. And for whatever reason just decided to prove me “right” because “my mind won’t change.”

See, here’s the thing about my blog. These are inner thoughts, concerns and worries I have deep down inside. This is me completely stripping down and being vulnerable and honest with myself. And I’ve allowed him to see that. Frankly I want him to see that so that he can either choose to act a certain way, or not.

He chose the “I’m not changing” path again. For the 10th billionth time. Last week he was all “oh I’ll change, I’ll do anything” and then just like I worried, it was all just temporary words, and it was all false promises, but last week he made it so convincing that it would be different this time. Only to not even follow through with it. Just because we had space for a week, and the blog posts I had were not necessarily “positive” things about us, doesn’t mean that it’s over. My blog is a place for me to gather my thoughts, write my concerns, and look back on them and reflect if those were irrational, or if those feelings are true.

What I wrote on Monday, I didn’t feel that way all day everyday. That was just that moment. These little pockets of time that I decide to write about are not determinants of what I wanted to do.

Prior to our last conversation last week, I was convinced I’d take him back. I was convinced I wanted to try again. I was convinced that I loved him and that everything was going to be okay this time. But I have every right to worry and wonder if it will last. Because again, we have patterns

For him to just kinda say, yeah I was just saying things and I’m not gonna do anything… just really shows that it was all an act. And my gut was right and it sucks. Because I wanted to be with him so badly

But I can’t keep doing this anymore. I have to accept that he will always give false promises, say sweet nothing’s, and never follow through. I will have to accept that I don’t trust him because of those things and that he will never work to build that trust. I have to accept that he just wants me to go back to the way things were. I have to accept that what he wants is not what I want. He wants to stay the same, I want to change and grow. So I guess we said goodbye.

I would be okay being friends with him if he wasn’t trying to also have sex with me.  It’s not fair to me to give him almost everything I would as a girlfriend without the label or the title. To just be a warming place for the replacement. I’m just a place holder to subside the loneliness until someone else comes along. I don’t want to be that for him, and I’d never want him to be that for me. He was my boyfriend, he was someone I gave my respect, my effort, my life and my love to. And he betrayed me.

Why would I want to have sex with someone that I have been having sex with for years, only to find out their intentions weren’t true. I didn’t go into a 3.5 year relationship with someone for “casual sex”. I went into that relationship because I was promised things that were never fulfilled. I stayed in that relationship because I always had hope that someday he would follow through.

I can’t be friends with benefits with someone like that. We’re too far gone. We went too deep. We hurt too much. And there’s so many people involved now. You can’t have your cake and eat it too. You can’t just erase the past and say okay yeah we’re friends let’s fuck as well. It’s not happening.

And if I want to have casual sex with other men, it’s because I have no expectations of them. If you wanted that from the get go you should have never promised me love and care and an opportunity to be your girlfriend. If you wanted casual sex with me then you should have never asked to be in a relationship with me. If all you wanted was to have fun and nothing else. Then you should have just said that from the start. I have different expectations for different types of relationships. Casual sex with people to me usually means I want to know them as little as possible, I don’t want to think about them ever again, they are never my priority, they will never have my respect, and I’ll use them for as little or as long as I want. They will probably do the same with me. 

I had casual sex once. As an attempt to move on from you and to try and see if that was something I was capable of doing again. I’m not. Having casual sex with that guy was not worth it. I thought I’d be okay, but I’m not. I’m better off alone. I don’t want casual sex anymore, it was fun when I was in high school, and early university. But now I really just wanted someone to settle down with. And I’ll probably hold off on being with anyone until I find that person for me.

I have to accept that _ _ _ _ _ will never be that person for me

I need to stop waiting for you _ _ _ _ _ _.

I need to stop hoping you’ll change.

I need to stop praying that you’re the one for me and that you’re the guy for me because its obvious from last night’s encounter that you have no intention of being that man for me.

I have to accept that I have to move on.

I have to accept that I have to let you go.

I have to move on, and I’m not turning back for you anymore. I’m not going to turn around to see if you’re still there. I’m not going to check in and see if you’re okay. I’m not turning back now that I’ve seen what we are and what we both decided.

Those convos we recorded. I’m scared to hear them. I’m scared to hear how toxic we are. To each other. But now at least we’re free from that. It’s only going to get better from here. At least now you know you don’t want commitment, you want to just have casual sex and have fun with women and live an easy going life. At least you know that now, and know that you don’t want to put in the work and effort and therefore will just have casual relationships.

Or honestly, maybe you will find the person worthwhile. Someone that’s more compatible with you that you would be more willing to put effort into. I made it too easy. I fell onto your lap, you never had to try, and when I asked you to try it was too late because you felt like you didn’t need to since you got me without trying at all

I thought what we had was magic, I realized now that I have to accept that it was anything but.

If you end up reading this, which I guess you probably will, don’t bother trying to get us back together anymore. Don’t bother telling me things will be different. Don’t bother telling me you miss me when all you really miss is my body. You just miss my scent, you just miss my body to have sex with. You just miss tits and ass. You don’t really miss me.

I wish you all the best _ _ _ _ _. I don’t hate you, but I think it’s time for me to fall out of love with you for good this time. I’m closing this chapter. This book is closing. And this will be the last blog post you’ll ever have access to. I no longer need you to read into my thoughts since you had no intention of ever doing anything with that information. I’ve been an open book with you. I’ve expressed myself in person, I’ve expressed myself in conversation with you whether virtual or not; we’ve had real back and forth’s. We’ve had opportunities to hear each other out. This was my outlet to speak with no interruption; with no “that’s not what I said and that’s not what I meant or you’re twisting my words around”. This was truly just me saying what’s on my mind, as if I was talking to a wall.

Its therapeutic for me. It helps me get toxic thoughts out of my head, and also helps me lay out what I’m feeling and see it for what it is. I literally gave you access to my diary because that’s exactly what this is. You had the ability to see my mind, see where I’m at, and see if you could really challenge those thoughts and perceptions you said you’ve tried for years and that you have tried to change them. You can’t change them with words you can only change them with action.

Take me for example, I write a lot of words on this blog, I too say a lot of things. I too make promises. I also challenge your thoughts. But guess what? When I promise something, I keep it. I hold myself accountable. When I say I’ll do something, I do it. You have never had to doubt that I wouldn’t do something I said I would. If I’m someone who likes to do nice things for someone, I don’t just say it, I do it. When I’m thinking about someone and feel the need to reach out, I don’t have fear. I just do it. I am not just all talk. I am talk and action. I have shown and proved time and time again that I actually mean what I say. Yes at times I may speak in “code” or sometimes I don’t really say what I literally mean. But I do still speak my mind, and even if it’s not literally what I mean, that doesn’t mean it’s not real.

If it was me in your place, if I was the one who was causing pain to my partner by not trying enough or not keeping promises that just wouldn’t sit well with me. I don’t think I could ever treat someone I love that says they love me that way. My parents love me, I love them, but it’s very different. I never wanted that for an intimate relationship. I already get enough cold heartedness from them. I already have people in my life who break promises. I already have people in my life who say one thing and do another. I already have people in my life who don’t really share their feelings with me. I don’t want that in my partner too. I wanted real love and affection. I wanted openness and honesty. I wanted promises kept. I wanted accountability for actions.

You made so many promises last week and literally I’m not even exaggerating when I say this you broke every single one of them. Except one. The only one you kept was “keeping me posted”. And you shouldn’t be applauded for that, because that’s the bare minimum of communication. You promised me poetry, you promised me that you acknowledged that I deserve to be treated like a goddess, a queen. You promised me love and honesty. You promised me real change and that you would go to counseling.

What did you really do? You tried to buy me, you didn’t follow through on counseling despite the countless times you have willingly agreed that you needed it and did it on your own accord based on my arguments or evidence. There’s no poems, there will be no change. Just empty promises.

I don’t feel this way right now, but I know someday the right guy will be there for me. And I’m holding on to that thought. I deserve real love and I deserve happiness with someone. I deserve a partner. I don’t deserve empty promises. And that’s all you are unfortunately. I gave you too much credit, I gave you way too much hope, and I gave you way too many chances. It’s time to let go.

I hope you find the right person for you, and I hope the same for me. I never wanted to leave you alone in that parking lot, I couldn’t help but worry about you, but just because I worry and just because I care doesn’t mean we need to be in a relationship together. I can feel ways about you and I probably will for a while. But at least we both know it’s a dead end.

Take care, love you. If you have anything to say about any of this, I suggest you speak up, but only if you really mean it.

 

 

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