Freelance

A dream, not a reality.

I had a dream that my now ex boyfriend texted me a long message telling me that it’s not worth losing me and it was as if he suddenly woke up and realized that he was wrong. He apologized and told me what he was going to do to fix it. He told me he was going to come over and have dinner with my parents to show he was serious. He treated it like an interview and let them ask their questions. I guess I knew it was a dream for sure when my parents were acting so nice and friendly and not awkward about it. He smiled with his charismatic smile and won them over. I miss that smile so much. He didn’t make me feel ashamed of my culture. I already naturally am not that proud of many aspects of it, but in certain conditions I do like the music, food, fashion, etc. My ex never really cared for it. It was such an amazing over the top dream, and of course I didn’t wake up happy from it because I knew right away that it would never happen. My ex has never sent me a long text. Nothing long ever. We’ve never exchanged paragraphs. It’s usually me pouring my heart out in paragraphs and him just gingerly replying to some of them in sum. He’s also never really admitted when he’s wrong, not a time that I can recall at least. What he does do is offer business proposals and tries to sell it as being beneficial to both of us. For example he tried to say that us getting back together for the quarantine would make us both happy. I want to believe it, and I wish I said yes but I know better than that now. I’d be a fool to take him back only to return to the same point we got to March 17th when he didn’t know what he wanted and so I broke up with him. He wants to see other people, try other relationships out – fuck other women. And that’s not really what bothers me. I understand him wanting other women it’s just I’m constantly his safety net. His backup. His last resort backup plan option. And that’s what hurts. I mean there’s so many little things about him that I don’t like, and that I chose to ignore because I’m attracted to him. But maybe it’s best that I just move on from him now. I had him for some time, we had fun, and now we know we’re not compatible so I guess it’s for the best. I don’t want to play the waiting game right now. I don’t want to spend my time waiting for him to realize that I’m enough – because if he doesn’t realize it now then he never will. I’m not going to message him anymore. He couldn’t even keep his word about the record. He refused to return it to me because he’s so selfish and that was the one and only thing he fought for. Never fought for me but would fight for a material thing. Of course I love and miss him. He was such an amazing kisser (when he felt like it) and he was a great fuck too (again, when he felt like it) – but everything was always based on how he felt and what he wanted. If he just wanted to give light pecks that’s all I got. I used to have to ask for a wet kiss cause those were my favourite but were also a rarity. He kept me on a tight leash and I almost in a way loved it – I loved being dominated and controlled – I loved the way he tamed me. I became such a loyal pet but then he got bored of me. And I was left without an owner. I feel so fucked up admitting all of this. I feel ashamed now seeing it for what it is. Idk if I loved him or if it was just what I was comfortable with. I don’t know anymore. I think about him all the time and I’m always trying to refrain from messaging him. I always want him I always want to be around him. I love his smell, his taste, his eyes, his smile, his body just everything. I miss his hugs and kisses and cuddles. I miss his voice and I miss the way he would sing to me. I miss spending time with him doing nothing I miss doing drugs with him and just being high and happy. I miss riding him till he came I miss fucking him round after round. I loved being choked by him I loved the way he’d push me around and rough house me. I just loved how passionate our sex would be and it was always so fun. I loved the way he grabbed my ass and would fuck me from behind. He’d always tell me how fucking sexy I was as he’d grab my tits and moan about them. He made me feel so fucking hot. He made me feel like I was number one. But it was only when we fucked. The minute I left his house I was forgotten. Who cares if I got home safe? I’m only 10 mins away I absolutely got there safe. Who cares that I drove to him –he doesn’t give a shit how I got there. And no matter how much he said he loved me or wanted me around. I’d never hear from him. I always made the move. I always chased. I always made plans. I always ask him to hang out. And it sucks. I sucks to know that even after telling him what I told him he still chose to not try. He said he didn’t know if he wanted to yet or not. I guess I keep making the same mistakes. I keep beating a dead horse. I keep trying to reignite something that will never spark. He can say he loves me all he wants but the reality is you wouldn’t treat someone you love like this. And I guess I kept having to make the same fucking mistake to get it. Will I ever learn? I’m so cognitive of what’s happening to me or what I’m doing yet somehow I still manage to want to fuck things up and message him again. Why? Why do I keep going back? Why do I give him attention? Why do I pay him any mind at all? And for whatever reason I’m not interested in looking for other men right now. I know its COVID-19 season anyway which makes it even harder to trust people but fuck.

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