Freelance

Control.

I’m having a really hard time with this. It gets me emotional at times. Trying to stay controlled. And not be so “Out-Of-Control” with every aspect of my life.

Trying to control my mood-swings, my moods in general, my behaviour, my cravings, my hunger, my thirst, my bathroom breaks, time with others, time with myself, time with family, time with pop culture, time with my interests/hobbies, time with social media.

The hardest thing to control of all: Time with my boyfriend. It’s been hard because we had a really rough month in January, where we broke up several times, fought, didn’t talk, took breaks, took space, did everything we possibly could do, and somehow found our way back to each other. I still don’t feel 100% great about it, but whenever I’m with him or see him, it’s a happy experience.

I wasn’t proud of my jealous outburst when one of his female co-workers got him (and 2 others) a going-away cake. He recently got a promotion and will be changing departments, no longer sitting next to two girls that he became close with sitting with them everyday. I shouldn’t have gotten so jealous and insecure, but not to be overly hard on myself – it has been hard to trust our relationship after the rough patch we just had. Needless to say, he’s never indicated being with any other woman than me. So I shouldn’t have been so insecure. I know I’m beautiful, I know he finds me attractive, and I know he most likely wouldn’t leave me for one of his co-workers.

Throughout the breakups, space, and time. I think we both took that time to reflect on what we wanted in a relationship, what we wanted for ourselves, and whether we could do them together. There’s still a lot to talk about. Every time we’ve seen each other so far has just been catching up, or spending time with family. We’re getting some alone time on Wednesday so hopefully we can talk about some things on the way to his tattoo appointment.

Meanwhile, this is where the control has been hard. Controlling myself to not see/speak to him every minute of everyday. I understand that as couples, it’s okay for us to talk throughout the day, check in here and there, and meet up as often as we can. This is great, but what usually happened in the past, was I spent every free minute I could with him and his family, whilst neglecting my time with myself, my time with all my other things I needed to do, such as chores.

This is my main struggle. Learning to be wise with my time, and keep my own promises to myself. If I have things I need to do that directly affect me and my living situation, I need to prioritize those first. I need to prioritize my health – and this includes my mental health, over everything else.

Things I want to start doing for myself:

  1. Get into a regular workout routine
  2. Wake up at 6am everyday
  3. Go to bed as early as 10pm, no later than 1am for late night shifts.
  4. Clean my room and put all the clothes away
  5. Clear up the family room of all the luggage from vacation
  6. Pay off my debts aggressively
  7. Pack lunch as often as possible
  8. Cook more food – start with at least once a week
  9. Help out mom with household things
  10. Put the Christmas Tree away – as promised.
  11. Get familiarized with medical terms again
  12. Start getting into studying again ,start practicing French daily again
  13. Clean my bathroom weekly
  14. Start keeping track of skincare inventory and usage
  15. Start keeping track of Tips again.
  16. Maintain a financial budget that I can actually stick to
  17. Figure out what your “style” is
  18. Be more active on social media – post more selfies.
  19. Be more confident, increase my self-esteem
  20. Spend time with loved ones as often as possible – Ie. Visiting my sister, my family-friends, and friends – who are different from spending time with my boyfriend.

I can’t say that I will be able to tackle all of these at once, but I want to check in every week to see how I’m doing with this list! Feeling hopeful and positive about it.

I was feeling a little emotional this morning, almost on the verge of crying, and not understanding why. I was proud of myself for questioning it, unable to reason it – forced myself to stop and keep it together. This worked well as it prevented me from thinking negative thoughts throughout the day like I usually would have if I tried to tackle the reason behind my emotion. Sometimes, there is no real reason, and if the feeling doesn’t re-occur throughout the day, there’s no reason to confront or address it. I was proud of myself for choosing to blog/journal here instead and write out whatever it may have been.

I was watching “Marriage Story” earlier this morning, which may have attributed those emotional feelings. If that’s the case – it’s just a movie! I will get over it.

Looking forward to following up next week to see what I accomplished!

Staying hopeful,

____.

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