Freelance

Nervous Anticipation

We’re going to talk. It’s been a week of silence and pain. We were supposed to go to Coachella together, signed up for the pre-sale together, and I got notified the same time he did about it. I didn’t get my tickets because he went on a break with me before the pre-sale happened. Tried to respect his wishes and not contact him. And it just hurt me so badly that he went and got the tickets anyway, posted it on social media, with no regard of our plan together. Not even the decency to let me know that he may or may not be taking someone – literally nothing.

I’m honestly so scared and nervous to open this whole can of worms with him. I’m feeling a whirlwind of emotions that I know I have to hold back. I have to be calm. I have to be collected, I have to hear him out. I feel like based on what he tells me about this will really determine if any of this was worth it in the end.

Today’s going to be the day. The day I find out whether this was worth 3 years of waiting to tell my parents – to finally tell them and be on this break not even a week after. To finally just be going through all of this on my own when I needed him most. He left me behind, he makes me feel invisible, he makes me feel like he doesn’t give a fuck about me at all. Why do I need someone like this? Why do I love someone like this? Do I even love him anymore? I really don’t know anymore I’m just so confused.

I feel mistreated, and I know I’m not innocent, I’ve mistreated him too. I’ve treated him the way my mom treats me and that alone to me is just disgusting. I am disgusted at what I did to him, but can we move from it? Can we still do this? Is it too late?

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