Just had to get it out

Last night my boyfriend and I were hanging out in his room looking at old pictures of him. Stories were attached to some of the photos, and as I listened I fell more and more in love with him.

I took vyvanse to help me focus and write my paper, turns out I managed to distract myself while on it. I was productive for a short while but got sidetracked a lot.

The night before I hung out with a friend of mine. A childhood friend if you will, we recently rekindled our friendship, the flame’s still going I suppose I feel pretty good about it. But when we hung out last night, she helped me realize a part of me that I had let go. It took awhile for me to understand the feelings I felt about it and to finally accept that I let it go for a reason, and it’s not the end of the world.

She was talking about her goals and dreams of who she would have loved to pursue and become. She talked about her travel bug and how she wanted to make sure she did it all before she committed to school and started working full-time. And honestly, I’m jealous because it’s such a smart idea.

I see myself now and I wasted over 8-9 years in school finishing a 4-5 year undergrad. No travelling during that time whatsoever because I was a “poor student”. And I kept digging a hole for myself and made a ton of “wrong” decisions.

Either way, I can’t keep beating myself up for my past. I did what I thought at the time was making me happy, and now I’m getting to a point where yes, I do admit I wish I made some different choices but hindsight is 20/20.

She was telling me how she’s not ready to have kids yet, or even settle down and get married. And it got me thinking… Am I ready? I think about having a family and kids, and I think about having this family with my boyfriend. I love him a lot. He’s my best friend. He’s who I’d want to travel the world with.

And that’s when it hit me. A dark cloud came over my head as my friend went over her future plans with me. Ingenious as they were, I loved hearing it, because it was a very different perspective from my own. It was also a different perspective from not only myself but also the circle I’ve chosen to affiliate myself with. All of a sudden I came to the realization that I have let go of my dreams to travel and go on adventures, and volunteer and save the world… etc, for a more… simple life. Similar to my boyfriend’s ideals. I feel like I’ve “let go” of a lot of who I am to be more simply oriented.

The thing is, after much deliberation, I’ve realized I’m so happy with the simple goals. I do want to get a full-time job, and start working, making good money, moving out, being independent, cooking new recipes (that’s sort of my way of travelling), researching ideas, who says I can’t go on trips in my 40s? There’s no clock on my body telling me after a certain age (okay maybe past 90) that I can’t travel. I’m only 26! I have tons of time! And I do want to have children, and I want to watch them grow and guide them and help them find their way around life, I want to be surrounded by family and love, and that’s what my boyfriend provides me. Yes, I may have changed, but I don’t really think I’ve changed all that much, starting a family is still an adventure all on it’s own, me gaining my independence is a journey I’ve been wanting to take for years.

At first when I spoke to my friend, I felt like I wish I did what she did. I wish I travelled the world, until I was ready to come back to school. I wish I didn’t job hop so much, and just focussed on the bigger picture and just finished school sooner. I wished I wasn’t so busy chasing sex and boys, when I could have been chasing planes instead. All in all, I think the most important thing for me to realize is that, I’m not her. I don’t have to be the same as anyone or follow anyone’s path to feel like I can be their friend.

_____ and I are friends that have grown and changed, but have still withstood the test of time. And I value that. We have gone different ways, but ultimately we’ll get to the same place one way or another. Truly it would be cool to go live in another country for a year. It’s something on my bucket list for sure, and just because I may not be getting it done in my 20s, does not mean that my chances of getting it done are over.

I finally feel whole in my heart. A heart that once felt like there was a hole that could never be filled now feels full. I feel love, joy, companionship, family, warmth, and I’m grateful. I’m grateful to have my boyfriend and his family, I’m grateful for my own family and friends, and I’m ready to embark on my own path as a person. My own journey, my life, my choices.

When my friend started telling me her falling out between her and her boyfriend, I found a lot of striking similarities with them and my past relationships, and even some in my current relationship. Taking vyvanse the next day for my paper made me feel even weirder about my boyfriend. I knew I loved him but all of a sudden just thinking about things over and over made me start to doubt everything. I let that feeling go. I had to remind myself that there was no good reason for the way I was feeling. He picked me up after work, looked me in the eyes with his big beautiful brown eyes and gave me a kiss.

The kiss I long for all day. And I looked at him all over, looked at every feature of his face, the smile in both his eyes and lips. I was looking at someone who I never get sick of seeing every single day. He’s truly just the one for me. I take for granted how normal we are sometimes. It’s just the everyday jingle, we get into a routine of just loving each other, and days go by and we’re now I think 4 weeks into an argument-free relationship (but who’s counting?) I know when the fight happens it will happen for a reason, but I’m hoping I personally make smarter decisions, and pick wisely which topics are worth fighting.

All in all, I went into yesterday doubting my love for my boyfriend, but I realized no matter how much doubt I have in my ability to love another person, let alone myself, my boyfriend is so ready to take on the challenge of loving us. He’s helped me learn and understand what it takes to love someone and I truly hope I can continue to strive to love him as much as he loves me.

I hope for a bright future for us. The end of the school year is near for me. I am overwhelmed with excitement, so much that I’m writing this blog post instead of working on my paper.




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