Freelance

Faking It

How did my boyfriend go from being everything I ever wanted in a man in the New Year, to being someone I feel absolute disdain for by Valentine’s Day?

He was thoughtful, kind, considerate, loving. He made me feel beautiful inside and out.

I feel like I’m forcing myself to do everything. To send heart emojis, to kiss him even when I don’t want to but because it’s normal to. To suck his dick –which usually I like doing but it felt forced. Pretending to be happy around his family when I’m really not. Trying to be “nice” to him. I just feel like along with the ‘fakeness’ that comes with me wearing makeup it just takes over my whole wellbeing.

I’ve tried the ‘counting to 10 method several times in the past two days. Maybe I’m not doing it right, but I still continue to have issues with my negative thoughts and my pride. Of course I know things don’t change right away, I guess at least counting to 10 keeps me aware and reminds myself that I’m being negative or angry and I need to change my temporary emotion. It’s not that I wasn’t genuinely happy when I was talking to his family members. I felt good being around them and him as always.

I spoke to my sister about everything and I know that it’s a good thing to start wearing makeup. I’m getting old now and I’m not just going to have a ‘fresh’ face all day. It eventually fades away. I’m unfortunately not as fortunate as some naturally beautiful people. And I just have to wake up and come to terms with it. There’s no need for me to beat myself up over it. I’m not beautiful, but makeup can help change that. There’s nothing wrong with deceiving people into thinking that you’re pretty because that’s what they want.

That’s what my boyfriend wants too. He prefers artificial over real. So be it. I will artificially be what he wants. If he wants a kiss he gets it. If he wants a hug he can have it. If he wants his dick sucked there’s coupons for that. And if he wants to see me he sure can. But whether I’m happy about it or not is besides the fact, he does stuff like this for me all the time. I just need to suck it up and just be as fake and nice as I am at work until it’s normal. He does stuff for me that he doesn’t like and doesn’t complain and is happy to do it. If he can do it for me then I can suck it up and do it for him. So long as I’m meeting the minimum requirements I’m sure there’s no issues with it. He doesn’t seem to have a problem with the way things are. I’m just overthinking it. I’m sure if he had a problem he would come to me with it. But until then I’m just doing what’s required of me. I’ll do my job as ‘the girlfriend’. And that’s about it.

I have nothing else to say or feel anymore. Genuineness doesn’t matter to him so why should I try to make sure that all my feelings and actions are genuine? Sometimes you gotta be uncomfortable and walk on eggshells… until it becomes normal. Guess it’s all a part of changing. For better or for worse.

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