I’m trying to understand who I am. Why am I like this? How can I say I love someone so much but when I’m upset have those feelings of love and affection go away completely? How is it from love it turns to hate? How is it that I when I love this person I feel like I can’t go a day without them, and suddenly when I’m mad, I feel like if they left my life I wouldn’t even blink an eye?
Why am I like this? What causes me to be this way? Why do I let my emotions control my feelings for someone? Emotions and moods are temporary, and can be changed, my feelings for someone should not be as easily swayed as those things.
If I really love _____, then why do I treat him like I don’t love him at all when I’m mad? I get cold, and I push myself away from being emotionally attached in any sort of way. I completely lose feelings for him. It’s a scary thought, but when I’m mad or upset (which I currently am right now), I feel like if he were to leave, I wouldn’t care. But I know that’s not the complete truth, because like feelings and emotions and moods, they are dynamic and change in an instant.
Yesterday we were on the phone and he spent at least an hour trying to make me feel better about somethings that I’m upset at myself about, he was trying to tell me to be more positive and stop having a negative outlook on myself, listed me all the skills I have and things I’m good at, gave tons of ideas of opportunities I’ll get along the way, really tried to cheer me up, and through all that I just rolled my eyes, continued to have a sour look on my face, and made it seem like he wasn’t getting through to me at all. At a certain point a person can only do so much before they feel like they’re not being heard, so once he felt that way, he said he was going to leave and go to bed, I wanted to act like I didn’t care if he left because it’s not like I was making it seem like anything he was saying was helping anyway, but I also didn’t want him to leave. So I tried to recover the conversation and try not to make him leave, but still continued to act like a bitch.
Why do I do that? I’m aware I’m doing it, I want to stop, and sometimes I feel like I can’t flip the switch. Once I commit to the bitch role, it’s like I can’t turn back. Why not? I can’t help but think about how my mom acts towards me when she’s upset.
- She’ll give the silent treatment (I used to do this, but now I actively try not to)
- When you try to talk to her it’s equivalent to talking to a wall because she doesn’t want to hear anything that doesn’t suit her beliefs (I currently do this)
- She refuses to change and refuses to see that changing would benefit her and everyone else (I currently do this)
- She’ll be bitter and petty (I currently do this)
- She victimizes herself and makes the other person seem like they’re the ones hurting her when she’s doing it to herself (I shamefully admit that I do this too)
- She’ll use things from the past against you (I want to say I don’t do this, but I think I do)
- She’ll hold onto things and hold grudges (I try not to hold grudges, but obviously when I stay mad for days on end, it’s probably a grudge)
- She doesn’t know how to let go (I currently do this)
- She says she loves you to everyone else but it doesn’t feel that way when she’s upset (I currently do this)
- When she’s upset she’s cold and scary (I am this)
I’m the same exact way. I honestly want to cry right now knowing that the only way I’ve been able to cope with my anger is just do the same thing my mom does — even when I know how frustrating it is when my mom’s upset with me and even though I know what it feels like to be treated that way I still treat my love that way too. She does it to people she supposedly loves the most… and now, so do I.
One of my best friends said that maybe the fears that I have of my parents not approving of my boyfriend cause me to shut him out or not be able to fully commit to him when I’m upset with him or about other stressors in my life. I really don’t think it’s the case. Because ultimately, yes I do somewhat care that my parents won’t approve, it sucks that they won’t, but it hasn’t stopped me all this time to continue being with him. Ultimately it would be disappointing that my parents would disapprove just because of his skin color, but then they’re not really worth worrying too much about.
So if that’s not the case, it goes back to why don’t I love him when I’m upset? Is it just because that’s what my mom has done all these years and now I’ve adapted to the same thing? And if I’m aware of it, and I see it, why can’t I change? Well let’s not minimize the things I have tried to change along the way and have somewhat succeeded in.
- I know that I actively try not to give the silent treatment anymore, it doesn’t help.
- I also know that sometimes I get so angry and upset in the moment and do something stupid, I really just have to swallow my pride and apologize for acting like an idiot.
Even though it’s not many things I’ve achieved in contrast to the things I still need to improve on, I can’t just spiral into negativity like I always do and minimize the things I have changed — whether small or large. Of course these “successes” do not in anyway defend my behaviour to others
So I know that it’s a pride thing for sure that I have an issue with. What is this pride that I have though? Am I just being afraid of being too weak or vulnerable? But why should I be afraid if I love him? Why can’t I just love him even when I’m angry?
Why is it that I can’t even answer questions about myself?
It’s as if I’m a stranger to who I am. And I’m afraid of who I am, to the point that I never really ask these questions. And to ask them it really scares me to know that I can’t really find the answers. How is it I can find solutions to everyone else’s problems but my own?
Why can’t I love him when I’m angry? Seriously? I’m asking myself. What is stopping me from doing this?
Pride: the quality of having an excessively high opinion of oneself or one’s importance.
|synonyms:||arrogance, vanity, self-importance, hubris, self-conceit, conceit, conceitedness, self-love, self-glorification, self-adulation, self-admiration, narcissism, egotism, presumption, superciliousness, haughtiness, snobbery, snobbishness;|
How can I make sure I stay committed to this change?
- I’m going to put reminders in my calendar because it’s something I look at every single day. (For example, I’ve created a habit of practicing French everyday for the past 36 days now. It only takes 10 minutes to do — maybe sometimes even less.)
- Reminders such as:
- Remember that emotions are only temporary
- When you feel angry/upset/negative count to 10
- You are in control of your emotions, your emotions are not in control of you.
- Reminders such as:
- When I’m in a negative mood/emotion/feeling, I am going to take deep breaths and think about why I feel this way
- By taking a step back to think about why I’m feeling this way, hopefully I can rationalize whether it is something that is temporary or something that I actually need to discuss
- Hopefully it allows me to have a calm and mature conversation about things I am upset about
- Hopefully by me being able to calmly control how I’m feeling (if I’m successful at it) even if the other person is upset with me I can still work around it and realize it’s a normal way for people to react
- Remind myself that I’m not perfect and to let go of my pride when necessary.
- I feel like this one will be the hardest step of all.
- I know I have way too much pride and I tend not to let it go which is usually the root cause of me “not being able to flip the switch” from being bitchy back to normal
- Knowing I’m not perfect hopefully opens my mind to the fact that I do have faults and just because I have them doesn’t mean they’re bad or unchangeable — I can change them if I wish
- Hold myself accountable
- This one is the most important one to making sure I stay committed
- Either I have someone to help me stay on track or I make sure I keep myself on track of this I will most likely be talking to _____ about this and I know that he’s been doing this all along — but he’s been trying to keep me accountable of my own behaviour
- I need to make sure I don’t villainize him for doing so
- Realize that I will make mistakes along the way
- I’m not going to suddenly wake up and just not be the person that I have been all these years
- This is going to take practice and with anything you practice sometimes you slip-up or sometimes you don’t fully commit (for example, I’m trying to do Intermittent Fasting, there are days I’m successful and there are days I cheat. Just because I cheat doesn’t mean that now I’ve completely failed the mission and can’t continue. I wake up the next day and try again. If I can do that with diet, I should be able to do that with my anger.)
I don’t want to say that “I hope I truly change”, because that allows me the room to say that even if I don’t it will be okay. That’s not the case. I love my boyfriend very much, and I would be devastated to lose someone that’s completely changed my life for the better. I’m not doing this just for him, I’m doing this for me, I’m doing this for my future, and I’m doing this for when I become a mother someday. I want to be a better example than my mom was for me. This is something I want to do for myself. I want to dig deep into my flaws and fight through them. I need to stop being a baby about it and stop whining and crying about how my emotions take over my life and I can’t cope with them anymore.
I don’t want to see myself as someone who’s all talk with no walk. I am going to practice what I preach. There is no try, there is no hopes, there’s no if’s. I just must.