Yesterday isn’t Today

Yesterday I felt numb. I didn’t feel anything at all. I went in wrote my exam, and just felt neutral the entire day. Not necessarily happy. Not sad. Not angry. Mostly confused. But I just wasn’t in any sort of mood at all. I definitely felt exhausted. There’s been a lot on my mind lately.

It was nice because after class my friend and I smoked up and that wasn’t as fun as our first time if I’m being honest, but it was still definitely a better feeling than I was in before, as the night progressed though I felt like I got a little paranoid, and started overthinking things like I usually do. Which made the “numb” feeling turn for the worst.

I was thinking about how I felt about my boyfriend and some of the things he said to me really felt like they could possibly be red flags. I suddenly started to feel like I was being manipulated. I’m just so confused because maybe he’s right. Maybe I don’t love him. He thinks I love one of my best friends more than I love him. And we’ve been fighting about this for a few days now, and the first few days I felt really bad he felt that way, felt guilty almost. I felt like I do tend to be really bitchy around him, and he rarely sees my good side. But I also know that’s not completely true. He likes to push my buttons, and doesn’t necessarily see my good side because of his actions.

I don’t know what he wants from me. He wants me to be someone I love the most. And that scares me. I don’t know if I can do that. There is no “most”. I do everything I possibly can. And now I’m at a point where I am pissed off about it. How many times have I made sacrifices for him? How many times have I tried to do something that helped us both? How many times do I have to show him the effort I put in? I put so much thought into things I do for him. I think about him ALL the time. What more does he want from me?

Does he want me to just get possessive and obsessive? Is that why he puts me down? Makes me feel shitty about myself so that I feel like no one else can love me but him? Is he a narcissist? Cause I don’t fucking know what to do. Last night I was really tripping out about it. I woke up this morning feeling fine. I once again felt numb initially. Didn’t feel any sort of way about him.

Maybe it’s me that’s the narcissist? I’m not even sure. Because I seem to think about MYSELF and MY FEELINGS all the time as well. I’m always thinking solely from my perspective. When I put myself in his perspective, I can understand the underlying and even irrational jealousy that comes with being with me. I can also understand the fact that yeah I do tend to make a lot of people special and that may not make him feel as special. But guess what? He does the same to me. I don’t feel particularly more special than anyone else. He talks to me the same way he talks to his mom and his sister, if not sometimes more critical and then of course sometimes more loving. Depending on what he wants.

If we haven’t had sex in a while, he’s sweet, he’s romantic, he gives me attention. Moments literally after we’ve had sex, it’s as if I’m just something that’s there. I no longer feel wanted, I feel like he gets what he wants out of me and then just carries on and thinks about something else. And honestly it fucking sucks to feel that way, but I’ve learned through my textbook that it’s an “evolutionary psychological mechanism” in men that occurs. Why is it beneficial? I don’t even remember right now, but probably some stupid reason. Men who look at more attractive women for long periods of time will suddenly find their current partner less attractive and also find themselves less committed to their partner. Sure that’s an aggregate. And sure that’s just an average. And I’m sure many men are capable of fighting those tendencies.

I’m not so sure my boyfriend is one of them. He wants me to love him the most, and possibly choose him over my family. But he can leave me at any time. Says if I don’t keep up my appearance then of course eventually he’ll start to look elsewhere. He’s not saying it can happen today or even the next 5 years, but who knows what “eventually” means. I already put pretty hard expectations on myself. I want nice skin, I want to look and feel beautiful, I want a nice body. Who doesn’t? But at the same time I want to be comfortable in my own skin, which I almost never am. Meanwhile for him to even say I don’t love him the most? Despite the way he takes care of himself? I mean he does pretty good, he’s clean on average, and does generally have a certain standard for himself. But I mean he’s not where he wants to be either and I still love him regardless.

I’m attracted to him but lately maybe that’s all there is. Maybe he’s right, maybe I just lust for him. Maybe I don’t actually love him, I don’t know. There’s just been so much negativity between us lately, or maybe it’s just “realism”? Either way it’s brought me down to rock bottom, to the point where I feel like maybe I’m just better off alone. Maybe I don’t really need anyone. Maybe I’m just not the one for him after all. Cause he doesn’t really show it or care. He does the bare minimum, but wants me to go above and beyond. I don’t know. I don’t know if that’s fair. And even if he argues not all things are equal, then so be it. I’m just not doing it. I don’t even feel in my heart the desire to do so. Why should I? Why should I spend time and effort and money and resources on someone who just does the bare minimum for me?

I don’t feel valued by someone, but I’m expected to make someone feel the most valuable of all. Is that selfish of me? Am I the crazy one? I have no idea. I guess I just have to think about it more. I don’t even feel like seeing him.

He messaged me yesterday asking me if I was off work today, I said yes. I thought he would offer me to come to Ryerson with him, but at the same time I also hoped he wouldn’t ask because I wasn’t sure if I’d even be able to act like I was happy to see him. I wouldn’t want to ruin both of our days. I hope he at least has a good one without me being some bitch beside him that he has to drag around. So maybe it’s best I just stay at home. Plus it’s such a pain in the ass for him to be my driver I’m sure. And I don’t have the money to pay him back for the rides he gives me, so maybe it’s just better I stay at home. At the same time me being at home alone is just making me go crazy.

A part of me would just rather go with him, but what’s the point? I know I’m not going to be happy to see him. He’s just going to give me this sad look, and I won’t know what to do with it. What does he want from me? He said the feeling will pass. He knows there’s no solution to the problem he has. Maybe it was never a problem to begin with.

Why am I making such a big deal out of it? Why can’t I just fucking relax?! The absolute minute he doubts my love for him, I actually start doubting it too. And then I wonder, why. Why would he feel that way if he didn’t actually feel it. It’s an instinct. He’s felt this way so many times with me. I’ve written about this so called problem we’ve had before. If it keeps coming up, is it actually me? Or is he just manipulating me? Or is it just him? Or is this all just fucking stupid? I really don’t know?! I feel like I’m going in circles. I don’t know how to make sense of it.

Why do I think I maybe don’t love him anymore? Because I’m not attractive enough for him and probably will never be. He doesn’t really seem to like how emotional I am, and I don’t know if I can change that entirely. He doesn’t really like the reasons I love him to begin with. I don’t feel like he loves me as much as he says he does. I don’t feel as valued or as appreciated as he’s asking me to do for him. I feel like there’s a struggle for power between us. I feel like I’m being controlled. I feel trapped. I feel scared to be myself around him. I feel like he doesn’t accept me for who I am. I feel like we may never find the solutions to the problems we’re having. I feel like he’s right that a person can’t truly love others if they don’t love themselves. I’m scared that I might be projecting feelings I have about myself onto him and can’t tell the difference. I’m scared that he’s just pushing me away and I’ll just let it happen. I feel like maybe people are right that he’s too young and just doesn’t understand — but then I also feel like he sometimes is mature for his age but maybe I’m wrong. I might not be mature enough for him. I don’t feel good enough and I probably never will be. I’m not the girl of his dreams and because that’s reality he’ll never make me feel that way. I’m scared that maybe he’s right that subconsciously or even consciously I do want qualities of one of my best friends in my significant other. Even if this is true I still wouldn’t want to be in a relationship with said “best friend” I’m not attracted to them in any way whatsoever and it’s just some and not all of the qualities I admire in him. And that’s probably why we’re just friends and why we work best as friends and nothing more. It’s those qualities that I admire in just a friend.

I can’t remember the last time he cheered me up. I can’t remember the last time either of us were able to help each other. Whenever he’s down I can’t seem to bring him up. He always just lets time pass and brings his own mood up on his own. When I’m down, I can’t do that. I need someone. I’m some needy annoying person that needs to be cheered up and see the light at the end of the tunnel. I don’t know if I’ve ever actually tried to cheer him up. I end up seeing how he feels, and end up bringing up my own insecurities up with it. So then we’re both down. I recognize this. I’ve done this before. I do this often. This isn’t his fault. This is my own undoing. I destroy everything good that I have. I don’t even know what he sees in me. I don’t know why I put him on a pedestal but also simultaneously treat him so shitty. When I’m down and depressed, or whenever anyone else is down or depressed around me, I try to help. But I always feel when it’s with him, that it could be related to me, and it makes me feel insecure. I feel ashamed for making him feel that way, and beat myself up about it, instead of trying to cheer him up. I can’t convince him out of a feeling or a way he feels about me, that’s out of my control, I can’t tell him everything is going to be okay, when I don’t know if it will be okay.

I can’t say things I would say to other people because the feelings and moods he goes through could be a part of my influence. We spend so much time together it’s hard for me to differentiate the feelings I have that aren’t influenced by him. If I’m happy, he’s there. If I’m sad, he’s there. If I’m angry, he’s there. And when he’s there it means he’s talking me through it, or he’s the cause of it. Or sometimes it’s both at the same time. So when he’s upset, I know for sure that at least part of it is because of me, and even if other parts of it are out of my control because they’re just feelings within himself, I can’t seem to help him shake it out. I can’t shake him out of his feelings. I don’t know how. I don’t know how to help someone when I’m the problem in that case. It’s hard to be the reason and the solution. A lot of the times, when I have a problem with him, we eventually find a solution to it. He finds a way to be my problem and my solution. But when it comes to me being the problem, I don’t know how to solve it. He doesn’t even try to help me figure it out, he gives me vague unrealistic ideas of what he wants and I don’t get it right. When I don’t get it right the sadness continues, and I just can’t stand the feeling that I continue to fail him.

All the thoughts I had about why I maybe don’t love him anymore no longer feel true after seeing what I just said above.

I really think that’s the main problem right there. I think I just figured it out. And maybe it’s best to just talk to him about it and see where I can go from here. But at the same time, all we’ve been doing is talking about it.

I really did try to ask him for a solution to this and tried to make it less about how I feel about him and more about what he’s feeling. I tried. I tried to ask him what he wanted me to do about this or how I could fix this. But it always ends up being “don’t worry about it, keep doing what you’re doing”. It just doesn’t feel right. And now once again, I just feel like I’m back to the beginning.

I feel. I feel. I feel. I have to remind myself as well that these are just all feelings as he would say. What does “doesn’t feel right” even mean he would ask. How would I answer that? The answer takes me back to the reasons I may not love him anymore, and then bring me right back here.

SO maybe none of this matters. Maybe I just cancel the entire circle out like a math equation, and just let the feeling pass as he would do. Maybe as minimal as the solution is, that’s all that’s required. Maybe if there was actually more I could do, he would tell me. I want to be there for him. I want to be able to help him through his problems, I love seeing him happy. I love his smile, I love his happiness. I can’t stand to see him sad, it hurts so much to see him that way. I feel like a complete disappointment, and then I still see sparkles of forgiveness in his eyes. It’s so fucked. Sigh I don’t want to think about this anymore.

2675 words later and I still haven’t fucking figured it out. Fucking free writing. What’s the point? Do I even feel any better? Are my thoughts any more organized? I don’t even know what more there is to say.


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