I’m seriously considering doing something about my anger, I’ve had this blog for about a year now I would say, and I’ve been too scared sometimes to go back and see what I’ve written. I cringe at the thought of seeing how ugly I really am. I’m not ready to face it. And I’m just this ugly monster to everyone I love when I’m angry.
When my boyfriend makes me upset, I take it out on my sister, or my mom or my dad.
When my mom makes me upset, I take it out on my boyfriend.
When my dad makes me upset, I take it out on my boyfriend.
When my sister makes me upset, I take it out on my boyfriend.
Context of “take it out”: It varies. Instances where my boyfriend makes me upset, like he did today, I felt belittled, so I started belittling everyone in direct contact with me to compensate. I’m inconsistent with how I “take it out” on my boyfriend, depending on the degree of anger I’m in I usually just vent to him about my problems and just leave it at that, and sometimes it may escalate into a fight with him as well.
It’s not healthy. Like my dad said, anger is an emotion. It’s an emotion I let take control of me, instead of me taking control of it. I am an emotional person; I feel first, and act second, and think last. It’s not okay for anyone to go through that. Why do I think last? Why can’t I think first? If I just put my process in reverse, it would actually be much more beneficial to my health and others around me.
There’s classes offered in my city for almost $260 for 4 classes. By the end of the classes, I receive a certificate of completion. I wish I could just help myself for free with the resources I can probably find online, but what am I doing right now? This is also a form of anger management, free-flow writing or whatever this is called. Just writing without thinking and just writing whatever comes to mind and just getting it on paper so I can organize those thoughts and look back on them later (which I rarely do). I just can’t trust myself, I can’t hold myself accountable, which in itself is a problem. I make promises to myself that I never keep, and over time because I keep doing that, I just don’t trust myself to do well.
I don’t know where I’m going with this, but I hope I do something about it instead of just talking about it.