Freelance

Psychoanalysis 1

He (in a nutshell) said to me: “My concern is you need to get fit and watch your weight, or there’s a possibility that I may regret being with you and find other avenues and leave you in the future.

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How I really felt when he said that: Scared and Embarrassed.

How I ended up reacting to what he said: Stubborn and Angry.

My response to what he said: “Fine. Just leave now since you’ll eventually leave anyway.”

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Why did I say that?

  • I don’t like feeling scared, and I don’t like the possibility of being abandoned, so as a defence mechanism I initiated abandonment instead
  • I didn’t like that he was trying to instill fear into me by threatening to leave me in the future if I don’t change.
  • I was embarrassed at the fact that his fear tactic worked and that I did end up getting scared so to fight that fear I acted as if I didn’t care if he stayed or left whether I changed or not

The truth: I do agree with what he said, I don’t want to end up unattractive to him either, and I want to look good for myself and know that I need to take it more seriously instead of just talking about it. I just wish that he didn’t have to be so rash about it.

Why is that a bad thing though?

Honesty isn’t bad. I understand why he would rather be straightforward and truthful. He likes constraints. He wishes I was more like how he is towards me, towards him. And honestly, I wish he was more delicate the way I am with other people when they tell me about their insecurities.

I feel like that’s why people talk to me, I don’t come off judgemental, I don’t impose any sort of derogative tones, or come off as condescending at all, I try to uplift and stay positive because I love looking at the world through rose colored glasses.

He (in a nutshell) said to me: “I know you would rather have someone love you unconditionally the way you are, you can leave me and find that in some dirtbag who doesn’t deserve you, because then you can compare yourself to them and feel better about yourself when you’re with them instead of getting better at all.”

How I really felt: Sad and embarrassed that it was the truth

How I ended up reacting: Laughed that it was truth

My response to what he said: “It’s true, I’ve done that in the past.”

I found that I reacted better in this scenario because I was already prepared to feel this way. It’s a similar feeling to the coping mechanism I have with my mom where she’s so angry with me I can’t help but laugh because of how scared I am on the inside and how much her anger gives me anxiety. I was sad that it was the truth, I am aware that I’ve done that in the past. Dated people that didn’t deserve me to feel better about myself, just completely self-deprecating, to both the person I dated, and to myself. I felt embarrassed that it was the truth, and to cope with feeling sad and embarrassed all I could do was laugh at myself for being ridiculous. I was happy with my response because I admitted to how I was actually feeling pretty accurately. And it came naturally. I couldn’t defend myself because my ego was already stripped away. I’m also embarrassed at the fact that I really do want to be loved unconditionally. I felt sad that I felt embarrassed for feeling that way in the first place. There’s nothing wrong with wanting unconditional love, in most people’s eyes. I was sad and embarrassed that the truth was according to him, that I’ll only find that in a dirtbag that doesn’t deserve me. It hurt to know that even though it’s something I wish I had, to be loved by my boyfriend for who I am with all my imperfections, doesn’t actually and never will happen. He has constraints for me, and the only way he’ll love me is if I eventually fall into these conditions that he’s set out, otherwise he’ll be “concerned”.

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