Growth

Lesson #1

Watching his mom raise his family. Despite how her kids treat her, she doesn’t let them affect her mood or behaviour towards them, which is really nice. She was celebrating one of her son’s birthdays, one that happens to be difficult with her at times. She didn’t try to sabotage his birthday and make it about herself. Whatever he had to say, or however he acted, she let him be as it was. She accepted him as he was, and hoped that he would become better. Overall, he’s not a bad kid whatsoever, he’s smart, got a good head on his shoulders, quiet and reserved. Not very sociable, doesn’t like to engage in formalities but there’s nothing wrong with that. And because his mother knows that overall, he’s still a good kid, she doesn’t let these minor things bother her.


I want to be more like her. She’s absent minded just like me, and has found solutions to mitigate that problem she has. She makes lists (as do I) and puts reminders on top of things she doesn’t usually forget, like her purse or keys. She raised four beautiful kids, and they all turned out to be really great people. My boyfriend is one of her sons, and he’s a great guy too overall. I want to be able to just let it go, let go of the little things and just move on from them.

I find myself losing my patience with him quite often, I’m not able to be as patient and as controlled as his parents are with his behaviour, I just don’t like it. I don’t see why he has to be that way. And he’s a smart guy, who’s capable of changing when he knows better. All the minor things seem to pile up in my head and it sums up to a lot over time.

None of the kids help around in the house much I feel, his parents seem to do the bulk of the work and they don’t help out. Which I find unfair, they all live there, and therefore should equally pitch in when work needs to be done. They don’t really get reprimanded or are held accountable for it either when it doesn’t get done, their parents just do it. And it’s really nice and kind of them to do that, but then it just further promotes this lazy behaviour. I just can’t. I don’t like it when he’s lazy, cause then I have a tendency to be lazy as well, and I’m really trying hard to fight my lazy behaviour, and he just doesn’t help with it at all.

And sometimes his behaviour to me comes off like he just doesn’t care. And it makes me upset, because he’ll just joke around and think it’s funny that he doesn’t care, or when I’m trying to have a serious conversation he’ll just make a joke out of it. And I don’t like being like this. I don’t like being a bitchy person. When I’m not with him, I’m happy, I do what I want, I’m with friends that I like and we do stuff we like together and hang out and have a good time, and when I want to be serious with those friends we get serious, and when it’s time to joke around and have fun we do that too. With him, it feels like there’s just no limits to how much fun he can have. And I’m not like that. I do think he’s funny, and I like that he’s funny. I’m glad other people enjoy his company and find him funny too, I just don’t like when he tries to be funny when I’m trying to be serious.

I asked him what he knew about me, and he couldn’t give me a straight answer. And it hurt, because that to me, shows me that he doesn’t really care about knowing me. He says he knows my behaviour, and can predict certain behaviours, and that’s not that hard. I can say the same for him as well, I can predict how he will act in certain situations and more often than not be right about it. And so can he. That obviously comes with time, and good for him for getting it down! But does he actually know me? The other day, he told me I didn’t come off as someone who would be described with a personality characteristic of ambition. I was thoroughly shocked when he said that. And that was over a week ago. And it really hurt to hear it. To be fair, I took the first stab at him saying that I didn’t find him very ambitious, but the only reason I said that was because I knew that he had the potential to do what he wanted, but he’s just too lazy to go for it.

He loves computers, he loves technology, he would have loved a program in school that involved doing what he liked, but he’s so far into his business degree and he’s just so done with school that he doesn’t care. And I commend that, he’s almost done, and like he’s said to me before, he’s confident in his ability to do great in whatever he sets his mind to. And that’s great.

am·bi·tion
/amˈbiSH(ə)n/
noun
a strong desire to do or to achieve something, typically requiring determination and hard work.
“her ambition was to become a model”
synonyms: aspiration, intention, goal, aim, objective, object, purpose, intent, plan, desire, wish, design, target, dream

“her ambition was to become a diplomat”

desire and determination to achieve success.
“life offered few opportunities for young people with ambition”

I was just dumbfounded when he said I wasn’t someone that came off as ambitious. To me, it’s something I identified as a part of my personality for a really long time. And even looking up the definition and seeing what it means, I am determined to become successful. I do want to become someone and achieve something, I’d love to graduate with a masters, or get my doctorate, and yes I may have wasted a few years and I may be a little behind in achieving these goals but I still think I can do them. It hurts to know that I don’t have someone who actually supports me on this. But can I be mad? When I also called him unambitious? Does that mean I’m not supporting him either?

Despite what I said to him in words, I know that in my heart, I’d always stay by his side, and I truly do believe he can be the best at anything he does, because I know he’s smart and capable. I just called him unambitious because I feel like he’s settling on a degree he doesn’t really like, when he could possibly succeed if he just switched to an avenue he likes. He knows himself better than I do though, so I’m sure he’s making a rational and wise decision. But just seeing him give up on his passion like that and do something he doesn’t like, in a way it’s both commendable and sad. And it just scares me that down the line, he may just settle again. He may not move up the corporate ladder if he finds himself comfortable where he is. He doesn’t take any sort of leadership for anything, not in his personal life, or even his academic life, perhaps even in his part-time work life. And I just brought it up as something that concerned me. It may have not come out the way I intended it to, but he ended up hitting me back with “I don’t see you as someone ambitious” .

And I’ve been thinking about it for a while now, and I just know that’s not true. When I brought it up another time in a different conversation he said to me “what is it that you’re ambitious about? What are you ambitious for?” and I couldn’t answer that question at the time, I froze up. I felt embarrassed. I felt ashamed of myself, and I just started feeling shitty, but I tried to control it because I didn’t want to get emotional, I was just trying to be logical about it all. He didn’t want to continue the conversation further because he found it to be too negative, and felt like it wasn’t going to go anywhere. And maybe he’s right, but maybe we need to have negative talks once in a while. In order for us to uplift each other and support each other, we gotta say the hard things to each other.

Him and I are both lazy. We both have the potential to be so much more than what we are now, but because we’re lazy we’ve settled on certain paths and now we can only make do with what we have. I’ve decided to do better in school despite how old I am, because now I’m in a program I like, and can flourish in. There’s so many avenues in Psychology that I really like, because it’s a growing field as well, I feel secure in finding a job that would help expand it further. I wouldn’t even mind being a data analyst. I love looking at data, and finding connections or correlations, I love seeing data of behaviour and feelings, it just makes me feel less alone in my own head. I’m not sure how the actual field would be, but the money’s good and I could do it in a field I’m interested in so why not? And I would be helping people too, which is ultimately what I want to do, I feel like it fulfills a lot of my requirements.

Welp. I just did some research on data analyst/scientist, and it looks like I don’t have a lot of the skills required to be one. Computer science and programming being one of them. I’m sure I could learn it, I’m capable of doing it, I did enjoy coding in high school. It would be really cool to learn how to manipulate data, I’m sure I could learn it on the job as well. I’m trying to stay positive. I just have to look into it more and see what I can do. Apparently it’s recommended for me to have a Ph.D. Honestly, I’ve always wanted a Ph.D but I never felt confident in myself enough to be smart enough to get one, but lately (despite what he thinks about me) I think I am capable of getting a Ph.D. It would really fulfill an inner dream of mine. My big dream is obviously far fetched, I remember as a kid I wanted to be a renowned adventurer, or just someone famous. Not in an actor/actress kind of way, but more so a scientific way, somehow helping the community and making the world a better place. I know this is no longer something I can achieve due to the choices I’ve made in the past. I wasn’t academically driven or strong enough to persevere through my laziness and actually get things done and succeed. I wasn’t motivated enough.
I’m a dreamer, not a do-er. It’s not okay. I don’t like it. And since I know that, I’ve learned from my boyfriend that I just got to bring my dreams down to a more realistic level, who I want to be, is not who I am, and it may not be who I will ever be. Honestly even becoming an actor/actress/model, came to my mind many times in high school. I never did that either because my mom thought it was degrading and wouldn’t support me on it. My dad did try taking me to modelling agencies, I went for a casting call once, and never got called. I did research on them too because I know a lot of agencies double up as undercover trafficking schemes. So I tried to be careful not to get myself in those situations. The art industry in general can be so dangerous. People who aspire to be famous so badly get themselves in dangerous situations because of how vulnerable they have to be. I wish there was a smarter safer way of getting into this type of industry. I’m sure it’s structured this way because it seems to work and filter out a lot of the mess, but even still, if there was just more regulation and a more organized front like they do with other fields, I’m sure it would be a lot safer for everyone.

It’s a hard pill to swallow that I’m not someone special or famous. It’s also a hard pill to swallow that I may never achieve something like that. But I still try. Not to be famous, but just to achieve some sort of success. The type of success where I can live a little easier than I live now. I currently live relatively well, at the expense of my mother’s sanity. And that expense, costs me my sanity as well at times. She’s not easy to live with, and because of the financial struggle we constantly have in our lives, it makes it hard to be stress free. I don’t want that in my future. I want my family to be safe and secure, and not stress about money, I don’t want to be thinking about money all the time. There’s other things to think about: fitness, activities, film, art, music, learning, reading. I want them to be immersed in books and resources, I want them to be able to go to swimming lessons, without them worrying about straining my pocket. I want them to join clubs and get involved with the community, join teams and build confidence. I want them to learn the skills I regretted not learning.

Most importantly, I want them to have that choice. If they don’t want to do those activities that’s okay too, but I want them to know the offer is open at all times. That’s the kind of success I want. I just want to be financially comfortable. For there to be a home cooked meal on the table, with groceries I could afford. I want to be able to have a job where I can work and still come home to cook dinner as an example. I want to be able to afford getting my haircuts, and buying nice clothes, I want to be able to style the house the way I’d want it. I want to be able to drive a car I like driving and not just one I can afford. I do have ambitions, and it hurts to know that one of the most important people in my life doesn’t seem to think so.

Maybe that’s why I’ve been upset with him? Because I constantly try to prove to myself and him that I am more than what he thinks I am, but all he thinks of me is that I’m just some grumpy-grouch of a bitch. And I don’t like it. I’m not trying to be a grumpy-grouch. I don’t mean to come off that way, and I really do try to get out of those moods when I get into them. I’m aware that I do tend to just get into these moods where I’m just not happy around him. I can’t help it. He just causes me so much stress that I just get upset about it.

I do so much for him. I try to make things as convenient as possible for him, because I care for him and love him and don’t want him to stress. But he just doesn’t appreciate it. He takes advantage of the fact that I will do that for him, and doesn’t do it in return. And his favourite comeback is “that I should do something because I want to do it, not because I want it in return.” He’s absolutely right in that regard. I do things for him because I want to. I buy him gifts because I want to. I buy him food, or gas, or whatever it is that I can do for him because I know he wants it but can’t always afford it. Working once a week has put such a strain on me financially, I know I need to stop spending, but in order to spend time with him it always costs me money. And I can’t keep doing it. Maybe I should just start saying no. And just stay home. And then I feel so guilty when he comes to pick me up just to take me to his house. I love when he does it but I also feel guilty that no matter what, one of us struggles financially to see each other. And I just don’t want that. I’m so fed up of being poor, and in debt and constantly trying to pinch pennies. And I want to finish school so that I can work full time, but with just a degree, there’s not much I can do in the field of psychology. I’ll have to look into it more, I’m sure I can just do a few certifications. But until then, until April, whatever grades I get, I want them to be the best I can be so that I can at least have the options of applying for a Masters if that’s what I want to do in the future. Maybe I can take a break from school for a year or two, and just enjoy and work. Or maybe I just push through. There’s so many pros and cons, and on top of that all I just don’t know if ***** and I are on the same page about what we want to do.

He’s ready to start a family, and I’m on board with that, but I’d also like to spend time volunteering and travelling, and just gaining experiences in other parts of the world. Gain some perspectives. Reading about it is one thing, of course films help, but actually seeing it in real life is completely different. There’s things that don’t get depicted in writing, and film, there’s things I look for that people don’t have answers for yet. I want to find them. But I’m torn because I’m also nearing 30 and need to start settling down. I feel like that in itself is me settling. Letting go of my adventurous side. Letting go of my artistic side. It’s become harder for me to let go than I thought it would.

Which takes me back to the lesson. I need to learn to let go and move on. I can’t keep dwelling on my past decisions and beat myself up for where I’m at now. I need to just work with what I got and be happy with the options I have. If I can’t travel or do art, that’s okay I just need to move on from it. I’ve made certain sacrifices to get where I’m at today, and I’ve made compromises.

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