I’ve been a shitty person
lately, and I know it.
There’s no real excuse for my behaviour other than habit. I’ve just grown to cope this way. Repeatedly, I’ve hurt people and pushed them away because of my own problems that I couldn’t deal with. I push my problems away, and in the process – I push people I love away. I’ve done it to my mom, my sister, and now you. None of you deserve that. I’ve grown up with my mom displacing her negative feelings towards my sister and I. Whether it was something going on with my dad, or her work, or whatever else would stress her at the time. She would displace that anger onto people she loved because she knew they could handle it. But honestly sometimes, even though I knew that, and even though I’d understand, I would still be hurt. I don’t want to do that to my kids if I ever have any, and I don’t want to treat people I love that way anymore.
I love you so much, and you’re so good to me. You’ve given me nothing but love and support through all my good times and bad. You have never treated me differently despite the way I treat you. I don’t know why I push you away, I just get scared, and unconfident. And now I’m scared of losing you. I’m scared that if I continue this behaviour that I’m going to lose what matters most to me. I don’t want that to happen. I don’t want this to be a never ending pattern where I don’t change my actions and behaviours towards you, and it will for sure eventually, build resentment towards me. And I don’t want that. Even if you are extremely patient – I don’t want to test it further.
At the end of the day, I’m so thankful to have you. And I’m thankful for everything that you do for me. I want to stop displacing my emotions towards myself or others onto you. And I’m going to actively try to change this. I don’t want to be like this, I may have been born into it, raised around it, but I don’t have to continue this way. It doesn’t have to be this way forever. I can change my behaviour for the better. And I will. I promise you.