Growth

Time.

Time does wonderful things. I’ve done a lot of healing these past few months.

And yes misery loves company so at times when I’m venting I always have an ear or two to listen to me and my problems (miniscule ones at that!). But when it comes to my triumphs, I’m almost embarrassed to talk about them. Or ashamed even. I feel like no one wants to hear about it. I guess it’s almost the same way I feel about venting. Sometimes I have no one to turn to for them. There’s only so much people care about. And I understand that.

But since it’s just me, myself, and I,  I’d like to talk about how far I’ve come today. This is the first time ever that I’ve felt this way. Over this year with _____, I’ve really healed and grown from it. And I’ve noticed it. Not to say there still isn’t progress to be made from the both of us, there is. But I still think I’ve come a long way.

Trust.  One of the biggest things that I’ve gained from being with him. I definitely trust him a lot more than I used to. I don’t feel as insecure and scared that he’ll leave me. I don’t linger on to every word he says. I don’t put his replies on a ticking time bomb anymore. He’s proven to me time and time again that he’s not going to hurt me in the way I think he will. The way everyone else I was with did. He can’t guarantee us being together forever of course. I can understand that. But it doesn’t matter to me anymore. He gives me what I need now. And he makes me feel like its not forced because he seems to want it too. He calls me. He spends time with me. He messages me everyday. And I love it. I love the effort. I love that he’s just as committed as I am.

We broke up a few months back. But even still we made no effort whatsoever to get over each other. Rather, we continued doing what we did best without the title. And it seemed to help at times. It would get confusing at times as well, it was a double edged sword. Ambiguity seemed to resolve some issues while also creating new ones.

We got back together after the Kendrick concert in July. We’ve been pretty good ever since. We told each other that we loved each other very much. Despite everything that happened we still wanted to be together. And that meant a lot to me. I don’t know if he’ll ever understand that, or if he feels the way I do about it. But what I do know is I’ve finally been letting some walls down. I’ve started to get more comfortable. Less tense. Less defensive. I’m trying to be less sensitive but that’s a work in progress. And I feel like he’s learned to work around it. I’ve also learned not to pry too much if I know I’m not going to like what I’ll hear.

Whatever we’ve been doing its been working. He loves me and isn’t afraid to show it. He’s finally started to open up more too I’ve noticed. He’s more affectionate. Less cold. And I know it’s not natural for him to do so but I love that he’s trying. He’s being genuine and I feel it. And I love the feeling. 

We’ve had the opportunity to really catch up and spend time together. Almost every single day since my mom went on vacation for a week. And then his parents right after. It was a beautiful thing. I know my sister didn’t like it all too much but all I know is those two weeks really helped me see that I really could live with a guy like him.

I guess that’s what I like most about this blog. I can say whatever I want. No matter how embarrassing or cringeworthy it is to say out loud. It feels good to let all these mushy romantic feelings out. I mean I’m cringing as I write them. But I’m also relieved that they’re out there now. Out in the open. Officially been said.

I think about living with him all the time. And all I can think about is how happy we’d be together. We’d probably starve to death half the time but we would be happy.

His thoughts on opportunity costs along with a conversation I had with another friend had me thinking though. I have always wanted to move out and live alone or with my boyfriend for a while. But would it be worth it? Would saving up for a down payment on a house be better? Would renting a condo in Toronto possibly have its opportunity cost at stake? The answer is absolutely. If I’m not thinking long term I could be putting myself in a financial mess. But can I just be living with my mom until then? I’m not so sure. I know she’s lonely but I need my independence and privacy too. If I get a good job perhaps I can handle that cost and manage to still save up for a down payment on a house while living on my own. I’d just have to wait and see.

That’s all for now. Only time will tell.

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