It’s confusing. I try not think about it too much because sometimes thinking about it makes me dizzy. I go in circles and circles trying to figure out what’s going on, and eventually, I get tired of it and just enjoy it instead. I don’t want to understand it anymore, or try to think about what he’s thinking about, or what he wants from me, or what his intentions are, or why he does what he does, I can’t keep asking, and I can’t keep thinking, I just have to remind myself to enjoy it for what it is.
I invited him to a short drive up north to see a Strawberry Moon. Not realizing till after I picked him up that it had already happened the night before, we went anyway. It was a really nice night. He had a couple of friends planning a beach day and asked me if I’d like to come, I said of course. How could I say no to being outdoors all day, sunshine, AND WATER. I love love loveeeee the water. I am a mermaid in my mind. Just waiting to get out and feel myself in water completely. And lake water is really nice, my eyes don’t burn from chlorine that I would feel from a recreational pool, nor does it sting my eyes like salt water, it just feels like whatever. Sometimes it feels a little dirty and unsanitary but I mean it’s a huge body of water, and I’m not sick yet so whatever.
We drove to the beach together. His friends know that we’re not together anymore. Which I found awkward being that we spend time together all the time, and I was still coming to the beach as his ex? Or whatever I am. It was normal though, no one said anything, or asked about it, no one cared. Which was a relief. I wouldn’t want to answer any of those questions and turn beach day into relationship counselling day. I didn’t know what to expect when I got there, but I ended up having a great time. I basked in the sun all day, just letting its rays hit my back. It was so relaxing. I felt my muscles just warm up and it felt so good. I swam in the water, floated around even, let the tides take me whichever way they please at times. I didn’t feel alone at all. I didn’t care if people were there or not, I just wanted to enjoy my one official day off doing whatever I wanted to do. Sometimes I’d feel a little guilty for being selfish and unconcerned about what others were doing, and sometimes yes, I would feel alone doing whatever I wanted and alienating myself from group activities, so of course I tried to balance them both. I am a social creature after all. And I liked it, I did a little bit of everything I wanted to do. I even learned how to play a little football. Or well, relearned cause I sort of (not really) recall doing it in high school (not very well for that matter, and I still wasn’t very good yesterday – still fun though). There wasn’t enough time in the day to do a lot of everything. I had wished there was.
_____ would sometimes do sweet things throughout the day that would throw me off. He’s said before that he doesn’t even notice when he’s doing those things but, if you’re doing something like embracing your so called ex in front of your friends, how do you not notice? And if you do notice and don’t care, and they don’t care either, yeah it’s not a problem. So maybe I’m just creating things in my head for no reason. I just overthink his actions way too much. I don’t do anything to initiate any sort of affection for him. Until he makes the first move. I’m such a fucking coward. The way he sometimes comes and flirts with me, or fights with me, and all I wanna do is just lose control and fuck him right on the spot. Goddamn. It’s obviously not something we can just do in public of course so I have to wait. Oh so patiently. Even when we left the beach and it was just the two of us in the parking lot with his laptop. The way he made me sit on his lap with his hard on, as he felt me up and kissed me. I just didn’t know if he was doing it because he wanted to (and I guess I could assume that he did) or if he was doing it to please me. Whichever it was, they’re both good reasons aren’t they? What’s my problem? I don’t know. I guess I’d want him to be doing those things because he wants to and not because he thinks I want him to (much like I do to him – I’m hypocritical aren’t I?).
Actually, I don’t know if he saw it in my face, I tried to hide it as best as I could, when he told me the only way we’d watch an episode on his laptop was if I sat on his hard on while we did it, has been a fantasy of mine for about 2 years now. I read it in a blog post once… or three times. Ah…..to live like Adrienne West. It was such a hot erotic read that I probably ended up reading the rest of her articles because they would get me wet just from reading them. I would think about things being done to her, being done to me instead, it was such a trip. Probably the best part of the internet is getting new ideas and experiences to try – I like experiencing things for myself, especially things I’ve taken the time to look into and read about. It caught me by surprise when he asked me to do something similar. I felt like I made a face that said “Are you inside my mind right now?! WHAT THE HELL IS GOING ON?!!” I was internally freaking out. I couldn’t remember if I ever sent him links to that blog post, or if I ever told him about it, I was trying to figure it out. To be honest I ended up concluding that he truly thought of it himself and wanted to try it out. Which turned me on even more. He doesn’t think he’s creative, but my God, if he’s creative with anything, it’s definitely with sex.
I don’t know how I’m expected to move on from such an ex when he’s so easy to be with. Fuck me. I can’t deal. I mean if we’re speaking honestly, and by we I mean me, because I’m only talking to me, myself and I here. I don’t consider him my ex. To me, he’s my boyfriend, my guy, my favourite. Whatever he is. He’s mine in my eyes. I don’t want anyone else, I don’t plan on moving on from him, I plan on working things out with him. I’m just not in a rush to do so. I’m easier to be friends & fuck with. I’m not as temperamental and confused, I don’t have a bunch of fights over stupid expectations. I mean I’m still confused, and he still tries to help because he cares about me. And it’s really nice. I’m lucky to have him. And that’s probably why even if we are whatever we are on paper, label or no label, he is what he is to me in my heart, and that’s not changing anytime soon.