Freelance

Trust.

I. Can’t. Trust. My. Feelings.

Right now (Thursday 09:45): I have really really strong feelings for him. Every time I’m with him, I want more of him, every time I’m not with him I still want him around. I still love him. My heartbeat feels funny right now. Almost an anxious fast paced breathing to go along with it. All the while, to the exterior person not reading thoughts in my brain; I’m controlling it. I feel overwhelmed with what I’m feeling right now. Don’t know how to deal with it. Don’t know how to deal with the fantasies and the “shoulda’ woulda’ coulda’  – didn’t.” Feelings as well. I regret so much. I regret so much when I’m with him. I do so little to express how I really feel about him. I hold back. And I hold back every single time and it makes me so sad sometimes. Why can’t I just be myself around him? Or am I? Sometimes I question the whole thing altogether. Am I being true to myself? 

I can’t even trust the feelings I have for him. I can’t tell if these feelings are feelings I’m having for him and him only, or if they’re feelings I’ve had with anyone I was with. I want to believe that these feelings are feelings I haven’t had for anyone else. But I can’t remember feelings I had for others anymore to verify. Once feelings fade for others, I can barely remember what it was like to be with them. I only know what I feel for him right now. And right now, I just want to be with him, I like the way we are together, but there’s definitely more I’d like to be.

(23:25) I feel so tense around him sometimes. I’m quiet in person with him (or I feel like I don’t speak half as much as I actually do with others perhaps I don’t even know – sigh), I don’t do what I actually want to do with him half the time. I mean, don’t get me wrong, there’s a lot I do with him that I actually want to do, and it makes me feel good and true to myself. There’s other times where I’ll tell myself that I’ll do something, or say something, and then suddenly the moment comes, I opt not to. I chicken out. I freeze. I get nervous. Or shy. I don’t even know what it is or why. I don’t know why I can’t just be “me” around him. I feel like I’m “me” with him a lot of the time, but it really should be all the time. I still feel like he hasn’t seen my best yet. Like the way I am when I’m with my customers; extremely charismatic and fun – with him, I feel like I come off like an awkward idiot. Sigh… I don’t know…

Sometimes with others, I feel intelligent, articulate even. With him, it’s like I’m a god damn fool with nothing to say, nothing to share, nothing to add to his topics of interest – which also really interest me as well! It drives me nuts, I feel like I’m always 10 steps behind everything he already knows. With some friends, I can be completely loose and goofy and whatever the hell else I am with my antics, and don’t get me wrong again, we have a lot of antics together, and we have a lot of fun together! But I don’t know if he sees that side of me as much as I’d like him to.

This is where I feel like I hold back from him, and I don’t want to anymore, I really want to take that wall down and just let go and be free with him. Do whatever I want with him, and not think twice about it, or worry about how it will end up. I want to talk to him. In person, and just be fucking straight up about how I feel, and just keep pushing myself to get out of this weird nervous shy phase I’m in with him. I’m not beneath him, nor am I above him. We’re on the same plane. I can level with him at the very least, and at least be proud of myself that I’m true to who I am when I’m with him.

He said something to me when we went to dinner after the AGO that made me realize we had something else in common. And I didn’t even bother to tell him that we did have it in common (see what I mean?! – I just hold back thinking he wouldn’t care anyway – and it’s “simply not true”) He said that he doesn’t really know what he looks like to others because he imagines himself to look differently, or at least he thinks what he’s thinking/imagining is what others can see, and in reality it seems like there’s obviously a discrepency.

Mind you, I’ve probably butchered the explanation he gave me, but I can’t believe that I’m not alone in feeling that way. I may be totally going a different direction with what he said but to me, it’s like I feel when I speak to people or talk to them, laugh, cry, play, etc. I guess I imagine myself looking a certain way when I do those things. I can’t really pin point what I look like per say, but I feel good when I’m laughing and I feel more attractive, but whenever I look in the mirror, I get almost a slap in the face from reality, that I don’t look how I think I look? I don’t know if it makes sense, it’s almost disappointing to see myself in the mirror sometime, and wonder how anyone looked at me at all. I know I’m full of self-loathing/hatred, or lack of self- confidece/esteem, etc. but it’s how I’ve felt for a long time now. And that’s another reason why I can’t trust myself. I imagine myself to look a certain way and end up disappointed when I look at my reflection. I can’t seem to trust myself with anything, and I think that may be the root cause to the myriad of problems I have in my life:

  • I don’t trust what others say because I don’t trust myself
  • I don’t trust my feelings for others because I don’t trust myself

Just to name a couple. And those problems extend to many different people – many of which are important to me. I don’t know how to start trusting myself, but I guess the first step is acknowledging the problem. (And I’ve been on this step for YEARS), so what’s the next step? I’d say: Be more honest with myself. But I don’t know what that means? I don’t know if I’ve been lying to myself in the first place? Or maybe I’m just too hard on myself and have too many expectations? I don’t know what it is exactly. Maybe I’ll have to do all three:

  1.  Be Honest with myself
  2. Lower my expectations of myself (wow that sounds awful when it’s written down)
  3. Don’t be so hard on myself (so does that mean I should go easy on myself)

Obviously there’s a perfect balance somewhere in the middle of really high expectations and normal expectations, and same with being extremely hard on myself versus the kind of hard that pushes me forward. I definitely need that push on myself if I want to be who I want to be, being hard on myself is definitely a good thing, but it’s counterproductive if I’m too hard on myself, so there needs to be a balance. And if Im able to do 2 and 3, it will help me create a foundation to a more honest version of myself. Which of course I’d love to be.

I needed to do a reflection at the very least to check on myself. Making sure I’m on track to who I want to be, and I don’t want to get lost along the way. I think it’s been helping. Not on a big scale, but I feel a lot more sane. I know people say that I’m a genuine person, and it’s refreshing to meet someone like that – I want to believe it. I want to believe that I am as beautiful as they say I am, and that I am as funny as they think I am… and then it goes back to: should I care what people think of me at all? Should I fixate on their opinions to dictate who I should be? Answer: I don’t know.  I’m sure there’s a balance for this as well. I can’t take everyone’s word 100%, but I also can’t just deem everything positive anyone says about me a lie. I gotta take things as they come and just not over think it I guess? I’m already getting lost thinking about it. I guess I’ll have to work on it.

On a positive note: I’m definitely happier at my new job; MUCH HAPPIER, the weather is so beautiful this time of year, and I’m just enjoying the days as they come!

Photo: Pablo Picasso – Girl Before a Mirror.

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