Memories, Personal

Frustration

Thursday night. Woke up at 7:45am because I overslept. Went for a short jog. Just worked 10am-3pm at the clinic, 4pm-8:30pm at the bank. Rushed in between both shifts to travel between both of them and change in attempt to look decent for the latter job. Did relatively well in both. Came home to find a whole bunch of chores still unfinished. I didn’t even want to come home. I’m out of k___. I have no where to go. Don’t feel like hitting up anyone. I’m just drained. The bank always takes a piece out of me and I always leave feeling absolutely miserable. My usual link didn’t reply – his mother in law did though. I’m not desperate enough to grab from her and be chinced. My other buddy wasn’t replying. Guess it’s just not meant to be. Poured myself 4 shots of Apple Crown in attempt to enjoy this utterly sad night. I’m home alone with my mom. We’re still not talking. I suppose now is a good time as any to talk to her but I really really am in no mood to do so. Nor do I have the drive. I didn’t even want to be home. I’ve been home every single day diligently for the past 2 weeks. I’m not sure if that’s what’s taking a toll on me or what. 

It’s hitting me now. The fact that my boyfriend broke up with me. I’m finally starting to feel it. I feel this emptiness. Nothing unfamiliar. I’ve felt this way even when we were together. I just have to remind myself now that I have nothing to worry about anymore. He’s gone. He’s living his life and I just got to move on and live mine. I can’t just keep lingering and hoping and wishing and dreaming and expecting. If I want something I got to somehow get it myself.

6 ice cubes. No chase. Never was a big drinker. But I guess since it’s already home. And I’m probably not going to grab tonight. It’s what I’ll have to deal with. Maybe I’ll drink myself to sleep. Me and my new unexciting fucking boring life. I slept at 9:45pm last night. 9. 45. Who the fuck am I. It’s not like I was very productive when I was up late anyway. It’s just yesterday I gave myself no time to unwind. When I really should have. I was completely drained today. Craving some sort of release. Possibly sex. But how could I have sex when I’m on my period. Can’t hit anyone up when my equipment’s out of order.

*takes sip* I wanted to get new studs for someone because they lost their pair in my car somehow. I was going to buy myself a pair too because they said I’d look good in earrings. But I just haven’t had the time. Or the mood. Or the money to be honest. I have a pair of studs for myself lying around somewhere… Just don’t know where they are anymore.

I’m feeling the buzz now. Still not happy; but I definitely feel different. Music hasn’t been able to heal me lately. I feel like it’s mostly because I had such a strong bond with my ex and music that now I can’t seem to enjoy it the same. I’m sure this feeling will pass and music will make me feel good again soon. But right now, every time I listen to just about anything it just doesn’t have the affect on me that it used to.

*takes sip* I feel useless. Unimportant. Dizzy. My stomach was hurting me all day. I’ve been taking Tylenol almost everyday for the past week. Which is really unusual for me. I usually just push through the headaches and discomfort. But lately with the pill bottle in arms reach, I just pop a few pills for the hell of it. Don’t care anymore. Don’t care about anything.

Tried to cheer myself up by watching my favourite show but every time I do I feel guilty because I watch it on my ex’s server. Plus he added all the seasons on there for me. I guess I should just start finding links myself and just delete the app. I have no business using his stuff anymore. It’s wrong. We’re still friends sure, but that doesn’t give me the right to a family server. Sigh. I’m sure once he deletes it, he’ll have more room for things he’d rather watch.

Head throbbing. Heart throbbing. Pussy throbbing. Just overall super frustrated. I don’t even think getting high would help at this point to be honest. I don’t feel like messaging anyone about how I feel mostly because it’s the same fucking shit every fucking day. I’m tired of it. And I’m sure anyone I’ve talked to is tired of it. Mind you I don’t vent to many people anymore. I just don’t want to. It doesn’t help me. It doesn’t help them. It’s a waste of time. I end up just feeling guilty for even reaching out to them in the first place.

*takes sip*. Someone who considers me their best friend had a _________. I offered to go with them and support them. I had good intentions. I really did want to be there. And just see what was going on. Maybe my intentions weren’t that good because i also wanted to see whether this person was actually telling the truth or not. It all seemed too far stretched to be true (with my trust issues and all). Turns out they were telling the truth. Anyway, I had just broke up with my boyfriend (the same one that just broke up with me recently – how long has it even been? A week Maybe?). I wasn’t in the mood for the event anymore. I didn’t care. I just wanted to be home and cry my fucking eyes out. I was hurt. I was sad. I was depressed. I just didn’t want to do anything. But how do you tell someone that? Especially this person. They’re really emotional and jump to conclusions – just like me (oh the irony). And I knew they’d easily misunderstand me cancelling on them for this. They would think I’m a flop and that I’m someone that can’t be relied on. And that was the last thing I wanted them to think so I genuinely tried to push through my emotions and go to this event with them. I ended up bursting out and crying right in front of them when they asked me if I was feeling okay. I couldn’t eat. I wasn’t sleeping. I had so much anxiety and stress. And of course, I also managed to look like a self centred inconsiderate bitch because I was sitting there crying my eyes out over some guy when I was supposed to be there to support them for something serious. Something really important to them. Something they were stressed about and anxious about and would have appreciated a friend just being there. I couldn’t put my emotions aside for one fucking minute and just be a decent human being.

I still feel like shit about that. I haven’t really felt good about venting since then. I end up being really selfish and it’s not right. Everyone has their own problems to deal with. And me pouring out to someone with my problems just isn’t worth it. I felt awful that I did that. And now I’m just trying my best to get my thoughts out here instead.

It’s weird to know that people actually view this blog at all. Wasn’t my intention. I’ve reached out to so many different countries, and at the same time I get this thought in my head that goes “why the fuck do they want to read this depressing fucking shit?”. I mean really. I only ever post here when I’m miserable. Maybe misery really does love company. I don’t see myself gravitating towards happy stories if I’m being honest. I usually gravitate towards the ‘sad’ ones.

*takes sip*. I don’t know what to do anymore. I’m just frustrated. Lately reading has been my escape but the plain fact that I would have ideally had someone to talk to about it with – and now that person is no longer an active part of my life – just sucks. That fucking book is good but also a constant reminder that it was something I was supposed to do with someone together. And I’ve tried. I’ve really tried to move past that association – among many other associations. It’s going to take some work. Possibly more effort. To get out of this rut that I’m in.  I’m alone. I’m lonely. And I’m going to have to get used to it; Possibly learn to enjoy it.

On second thought, this drink is working. Good riddance.

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