I have this friend that I’ve had trouble trusting from the get go (big surprise). I didn’t like them initially. My vibe was always that the person was fake. That their persona was just whatever pleased people (plot twist – that’s me). Maybe looking at the person almost became a reflection of myself and I immediately hated them. Watching them do quite possibly what I think I’m doing was cringe worthy and I didn’t like them for it. Maybe I was jealous and maybe I felt like they were a threat to me? Either way for a long time I got along with this person and handled them in small doses for the purpose of getting by.
So I get to know this so-called fake person. They turn out to be very nice. They come from a nice family. The family is really warm and welcoming. It all seems genuine. Despite the family being genuine sometimes it felt like there was just a little too much flair or too much smiling from the person I was friends with to even be real. “Is this person really that happy?” I asked myself. It seemed unreal. I didn’t believe a happiness like that existed. I refused to believe that this person was being honest with themselves with how happy they seemed to be.
Over the past year or so that I got to know them, they shared things with me that made me feel insecure about myself. I’m 100% sure that wasn’t their intention and I’m not blaming them for me feeling that way, it’s just a fact. I felt like I was missing out. I felt like I wasn’t living life to the fullest. And I felt like my life fucking sucked in comparison to theirs. It was always rainbows and butterflies for them.
They’re in a super happy relationship. And they’re super fun, and great and fantastic. And their family is tight knit, and everyone gets along all the time. And they work and make money and go on vacation and explore the world. They do romantic things with their partner. Their families know they’re dating and they’re fine with it. They have amazing sex. And I felt in comparison I just wasn’t hitting all those notes.
Then when we went to dinner – for the first time I saw a part of them that made me understand three things: life, myself, and them. They finally admitted to me that their life wasn’t really what it seems. They fight with their partner all the time. Not everything is peachy at home all the time. Some of the kinky things they’ve tried in the past aren’t as great as they initially made it out to be.
But as I’m saying it out loud I feel like this too could be a lie. It’s why I don’t trust the person to begin with. I feel like in a way they’re trying to figure out which way I’ll sway. Which opinion I value more. And I’m pretty sure I have a terrible poker face and people can tell which side I’m truly on. But I’m not looking at myself when I’m listening to people so I really don’t know how I’m reacting sometimes.
I don’t judge this person for saying they liked something and have maybe learned along the way that they may have been lying to themselves. And I don’t even know if that’s the case. Even if it isn’t it’s not up to me to judge them. I judge my own character only. I guess what it taught me at the very least is everyone is trying to be someone they’re not, and almost everyone is trying to live up to the expectations they’ve set for themselves and haven’t quite got there. And at the end of the day the only person they’ve disappointed is themselves. And so long as I feel that way I’m never going to get better. I need to stop being so hard on myself.
I need to stop creating so many expectations of myself.