The One

What’s the one supposed to feel like? I feel like I have so many expectations on what it’s supposed to feel like that I’m not entirely sure if I’ll ever meet the one. I imagine it just almost being an instinctual click in my head that tells me that the person I’m with is the one. Just solely relying on my intuition to tell me my destiny for the rest of my life.

And it makes absolutely no sense! Which confuses me because I’m aware it makes no sense and yet I still have this expectation of having some sort of sign to let me know if this person is the one. I imagine too I guess, that the person that I’m with – if they were the one, would also have that instant click and just know as well that I was the one for them.

And what does the one even do for you? Do they make all your dreams come true? Are they some magical being that pops into your life and makes you happy forever? Who can fulfill such big shoes if that’s the case? It’s all so confusing to me I don’t even know why I even have such hope of finding the one. I suppose in my books, at the very least the one for me would be someone who’s:

• Faithful 
• Honest (to a certain degree)
• Would actually want to be with a crazy bitch like me the rest of their life
• Have a sense of humor
• Intelligent and articulate&l

And what if they’re all those things and I still don’t feel the sparks going in my brain shouting “THAT’S THE ONE! THAT’S THE ONE! STRAP HIM DOWN AND NEVER LET HIM GO YOU’VE FOUND HIM.”? Then what? What if my list was even longer than that and I found someone that matched all of it – does that mean they’re the one? What if the one is someone you never expected to be the one? So do you just go about living life and just not expect this magical being to come into your life out of no where and change everything for you? Is that even what they do? Like what the fuck someone help me here!

…The truth is, I don’t know if I’ll ever find the one or if it even exists. ‘True love’ is nothing but a fragment of my childhood. That’s probably where these expectations came from. I wish it were that easy. I wish the signs were clear cut, and I just had a gut feeling inside me that would give me some sort of sign to see if I’m in the right direction or not.

It dawns on me now that my destiny is not pre-written anywhere. Not even “instinctually” in me (if that’s even a word). I don’t even know where I want to work the rest of my life. I have no idea what path to take or whether the path I’m taking is the right one or where it will lead me to. In some ways, it’s absolutely liberating that I have so many options and decisions to make for myself. In return, I feel as though there are dire consequences for every wrong decision I make, and the scary part is I won’t know it was wrong until I’ve already decided on it.

It’s like trying a new item on the menu. You have a certain expectation of what it might be, but until it’s in front of you, until you take a bite of it, you really don’t know if you’ll like it or hate it. And if you hate it, what then? It was your decision. Some places are kind enough to let you switch it for something more enjoyable, other places say “tough luck – you picked it”. And that’s life really. What do I do when I’ve made the wrong decision? How do I right my wrongs? I guess as I go through life the answer will come along. Until then, I’ll be having lots of unanswered questions that I hope get magically answered…

… First step: stop believing in magic.