I’d love to say these past seven months have been a breeze. I could blame it on the weather, I could blame it on school, I could blame it on many things but ultimately, I don’t think it’s going to get any better. I don’t want to be hopeful anymore. I keep wishing things will get better between us, but they don’t. If only for a brief moment, I get a glimpse of what we used to be. I was looking through my journal entries – back when I used to write in it. I’ve been having these feelings towards you as far as October. And for the longest time I blamed myself for them, and I’m not far from the truth, I’m not perfect. I do have a lot of issues of my own. I know I haven’t been easy to handle, but I know that this is something I’ve talked to you about more than a few times now. And it always goes back to the same place – that you’re wrong, that you’re sorry, that you’ll change. And then – nothing happens.
It’s fine. I shouldn’t be expecting so much, but the thing is, I was in love with you. I really wanted to make things work with you, I really wanted to be with you. I imagined growing old with you, and meeting your family and just being happy together like how we were in the beginning. I am obviously aware that things aren’t always going to be rainbows and butterflies like they were in the beginning of the relationship. But just because we’re not in the beginning anymore, and we’ve gotten to know each other more, doesn’t mean you can just stop putting effort in. It’s gotten to the point now as you know, where I just don’t care anymore. I’m not going to chase you for that feeling anymore, it’s been gone for a really long time now and I haven’t been able to bring it back. I can wish and hope for lots of things, but there’s really no point in wishing for someone to be something they’re not. And maybe you’re right, maybe I just want too much. Maybe I just don’t like you.
But only I know what I feel about you. And I know that by you saying that I don’t like you doesn’t make it true, because I’ve shown you and proved to you, countless times – how much you mean to me. And I know that the things I expect aren’t over-the-top because you’ve made me feel that way before. I remember when things were still fresh you were engaged, and excited to see me. Honestly I think I miss that the most, just knowing the light you had for me has definitely gone out, hurts to see. Cause I still get butterflies in my stomach when I think about you, I still want you just as badly as I did when we first got together. Of course, we’re different people – you shouldn’t feel obligated to feel any type of the way, other than the way you’re feeling right now. If you don’t feel that same way, then that’s just you right? I don’t want that though.
I’ve made the realization now, that I’m not just going to settle for something just because it may fruit something better. You have your own goals and dreams that you want to pursue, you’re still figuring out what you want to do with your life, you’re only 21 and literally you just want to have fun and that’s cool, do you. I’m at a different point in my life than where I was at 21. I wanted something a little more serious, a little more committed, and a little more engaged. I know what I want, and I know I’m not getting it from you, and I’m not going beg for it, because there is no worse feeling than watching you force yourself to do things you don’t want to do. The way you picked up my phone call the last time we spoke, you made me feel like I was just another thing you had to deal with. You spoke to me the same way you’d reluctantly pick up your sister from work, you know it’s something you have to do even if you don’t want to.
I don’t want to be with someone that feels that way about me, I don’t want to be with someone that just does stuff because they have to. Everything feels forced and it’s horrible to be treated that way by someone you’re in love with. Needless to say, I’ve definitely given myself a reality check, I don’t believe I feel any sort of love for you anymore. I’ve cried by myself, and not by myself – about you, and at the end of the day you’re just one person. I don’t need to be putting myself through this anymore. I don’t even feel anything for you anymore. Everything just feels monotone now. Nothing is exciting, I don’t even look forward to your good mornings or good nights because those are forced too. I fully understand who you are, and lately it’s just felt like maybe we’re better off as friends. You’re a better friend to me than you are a boyfriend. And sure from the titles alone, there doesn’t seem to be much of a difference, but I definitely know what having a friend feels like versus having a boyfriend.
No one can turn you on except yourself. Which is great in a sense, but I definitely make it known that I want you at any given time, and it just feels like you’ll only be responsive when it suits you. It always comes down to what you want. What you’re in the mood for. What you’re feeling for. And it’s like there’s never a moment where I feel like you’d even consider catering to my needs once in a while. You’re so emotionally unavailable for me that I don’t even know why I pour my heart to you, because you don’t care. They might just be stupid Snapchats, or pictures, or messages. But I’m trying to share something with you, and just you. Not anyone else. You just looking at my pictures and just leaving them as that does nothing for me, you not engaging with me when I’m clearly trying to sext you doesn’t do anything for me either.
It’s not like I’m getting sex from anyone else but my boyfriend – who happens to be with you, but it’s just like you just don’t want me. AT ALL. LOL. I feel like unless I look like fucking Jessica Alba or something that I better just fuck off. And of course you like the sound of me just playing with myself because God forbid I ask you to pleasure me it would be such a chore wouldn’t it? Everything comes off as a chore. Being with me feels like a fucking chore, and no matter how much you “claim” that it isn’t true, you’ve literally done absolutely NOTHING to prove it otherwise. You really haven’t changed anything and it’s been months _____, months. And it’s like, if you don’t really care to try and put effort in, maybe it’s best we call it quits. Maybe the stresses of a relationships could be put to other things.
Go do you. Be the best you that you can be, I’ll do the same. I would’ve loved to grow and become a better person with you, but you just aren’t down for that. You’ve made it clear through your actions. And no matter what you say it doesn’t change how your actions have been making me feel. I’ve never been so hurt by someone before. I feel like I’ve given it my all, and I feel like I’ve tried. Like truly tried everything on my end, and now it’s up to you. I’m ready to throw in the towel, and just quit before the length of time passes to a point where it feels like I’m even more lost than I am now. I don’t know why I didn’t do it sooner. You’d think feeling this way for so long would’ve made me want to leave sooner, but the way I felt about you has never been black and white. It’s not that simple. I can’t just make a decision out of the blue without giving it a full chance.
I know it may have not seemed like I wanted to meet your family, but it’s only because of this, and of course the fact that you would have had to lie, which I still don’t feel good about. And I guess that’s why despite the fact that I said I was okay with it, and that you said you’d tell your parents about it – you haven’t. I feel like in a way, you don’t think we’re right for each other either which is why you haven’t brought me home till now. Honestly, I don’t want to bring you home for the same reason. I don’t want to go through the drama of bringing you home to my very traditional family with you, for nothing. There’s no point in proving my mom’s point by bringing you home and we don’t even last. I wanted to bring you home most definitely if I knew that we loved each other 100%. But I just can’t guarantee something like that. I’ll never truly know how you feel at any given time, and I can unfortunately only take your word for it. The thing is though, you barely express how you feel about me ever. I think the last time you ever told me I was beautiful was when we went to see “The Magnificent Seven”.
Honestly, I literally dressed up for Nashville even though you asked me super late, because I wanted to look beautiful for you. I wanted you to be happy that you were with me, and not someone else. It didn’t really turn out the way I wanted though, I guess I didn’t look good enough because I didn’t hear a single compliment from you. And it’s fine, I’m not begging for it, I can only just try to be good enough for you. Once you admitted that: “the most fucked up thing is that I know how much you like me, and that in itself makes me not want to try”, I knew that it was my time to go. You just proved my point in that whole statement. You were brutally honest – you’ve been brutally honest with me the entire time – which I can appreciate. It’s not all the time that you meet someone that will literally tell you like it is, no filters. But by you admitting that, it displayed your true feelings towards me. You like playing games, don’t get me wrong so do I, but I never wanted to play games with my feelings for you. Those were honest, pure, wholehearted feelings that I shared with you. And to know that by me being honest about my feelings towards you only made you less appreciative of what I had to offer, made me realize that you’ll never truly feel the same way about me.
And I realize now that you’re just young and you don’t know what you want from me, and I obviously want something else. We’re just in different stages. This is your first relationship, and I should’ve known from the start that this wasn’t going to end well. You never end up with your first. My first boyfriend has come and gone with many lessons along the way. I think I’ve done everything I could to make this work, but it’s just not working. I mean you as a person, you’re fucking awesome. I love that you love history, art, science, and literature, and I love that we can talk about ideas and people and politics. I’ve definitely learned so much from you. I love that about you. I love that you’re passionate about those things and that you’ve shed some light on things I never knew before. I love that. But that’s not our relationship. That’s more like our friendship together, and that’s probably the only time I feel connected to you. I always feel amazing after having a conversation with you. I feel used and and unwanted anytime we have sex, because you’ll finish and that’s pretty much it. We’re finished. There’s never any foreplay, you never talk dirty to me, you don’t try to make an effort to do anything on Snapchat even. There’s just no passion there. It just makes me feel like you’re just in your own head, in your own world, and you don’t even think to share it with someone you’re literally lying naked with, at our most vulnerable state, I give you my entire being.
And that’s just who I am. I know that that’s not who you are. I’m not asking you to be someone else, I’m not even asking you to be like me. I know you are who you are. You always blame it on the fact that you’re an introvert and you can’t help being this way, and honestly I’m so tired of that excuse, cause it’s not true. You like to blame what you aren’t for your shortcomings, and it’s just not good enough for me anymore. Despite you being an introvert, you did want me at one point, and you made it known, and you made me feel it. It was months ago, but I hold on to that feeling every single day because I know that’s how you made me feel a while ago and that maybe deep down, it’s still there. But you’ve just gotten lazy with me. I’m just another “thing” in your life that you got to put effort into that you really don’t want to. I don’t want to be another thing. I wanted to be your girlfriend. But you’re not ready. You’re really not. And it’s okay. I’ve learned to accept it for what it is.
At one point, I just wanted to just let us fizzle out into nothing. It already feels like that’s happening right now. You’ve been a great friend to me, and I definitely do want to stay friends if you’re up for it. If you need someone to fuck then yeah I’m here for that too, but I just don’t think I want to be exclusive with someone that doesn’t want to be with me in that way. I’ve been feeling like we’ve been more like friends for the longest time, and I didn’t know how to get out of it, but maybe I should stop trying to control it and let it be what it really is. I’m not your “baby” anymore. I definitely feel that, the last time you called me babe and meant it was when we went to Casa Loma. I haven’t felt that good about being with you since then. We’ve definitely had great times together, but connection wise – our first three months were the greatest for me. The sex has definitely gotten better over time between us, but that really isn’t what’s important to me. I can’t just beg for it, or expect it, it should be something you truly feel. If you loved me, I wished you showed it, if you’re attracted to me, I wish you’d express it.
Anyway, I’m just going on and on now, about things that I’m sure are being repeated over and over again. So I’ll stop here. Thanks for trying I guess. I’m sorry that I wasn’t what you wanted, but I hope you find someone that makes you feel as crazy as I felt for you so that you can truly understand what it’s like to be with someone you love. I really want you to feel it! And I’m sorry it couldn’t be with me, but I know there will definitely be someone out there who will have the pleasure of being with an amazing person like you.